Vash and the Old Folk's Home
by MSkyDragons
Summary: Vash's return with Knives has a hangup, a law requiring people 85 or older to reside at an Old Folk's Home. Meryl & Millie try to rescue Vash. Spongebaths, pyschopaths, flashbacks, psychiatrists, & a little romance. 26 fun & hilarious chapters [Completed]
1. The Law of Old People

Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. Not one bit.

…

…

Vash & the Old Folk's Home

…

…

summary:

(post series) When Vash returned with Knives, they were all surprised at how the town and it's newly sprung water well welcomed them with open arms. But, after explaining the entire tale to the mayor, a small problem came up—apparently there is a law covering all of Gunsmoke that requires all persons over 85 to report to an Old Folk's Home as a permanent residence. No exceptions, under a 20,000$$ fine. Oh, dear. Poor Vash. Bwa Ha ha!

…

…

It had been a bright morning full of hope. The well in the middle of the desert town had brought forth a refreshing rain of water. Milly and Meryl could hardly contain their glee as they watched the well erupt like a volcano of water.

Their hearts were further lifted into the stratosphere when they saw Vash waving at them from the outskirts of town. They could just make out his smiling face through the streams of water. But worry struck their hearts at the sight of the figure that lay unconscious.

But, it truly was a bright morning of miracles. The entire town greeted the weary travelers with open arms. Vash was met with hugs by Milly and Meryl, and the town mayor invited Vash and company into his mansion.

Things were going amazingly well, the mayor and townsfolk took the entire sad tale in as Vash and Meryl took turns doing the talking in telling the story. It seemed that the sudden strike of water had put everyone in a high and happy mood.

But, this bright morning was about to not be so bright.

"WHAT!?!"

And things had been going so well.

"WHAT did you say!?!" Vash exclaimed with a look of confusion, horror, and disbelief on his face.

Meryl also looked quite shocked, "You can't be serious, sir."

The mayor had just related a very strange law to the group upon hearing Vash's true age.

The mayor sighed, "I can't do anything about it. The law is the law. All persons over the age of 85 years are required to go live at an Old Folk's home."

"And…how old are you, again?" the mayor said looking straight at Vash. "And don't lie now, I already heard you say it once."

"I'm about 130," Vash said slowly and unsurely, "But, I'm not really sure of my exact age…I kinda lost count around a hundred. Plus I forgot what day my birthday is."

Vash smiled sheepily, "I don't even know what day today is." He laughed nervously. Whatever day it was, though, it was quickly going downhill for Vash.

"You don't really mean to force Mr. Vash to live at the Old Folk's Home do you Mr. Mayor?" Milly asked pleadingly.

"Yes," The mayor nodded, "Unless you want to pay the 20,000 double dollar fine…per month."

"NOOOOOO!" Vash was starting to freak out. "I'm too young to live with old people!"

Meryl turned and sternly looked at the mayor, "Why would there be such a ridiculous law, anyway!?"

"It's so silly!" exclaimed Vash.

"Well," said the mayor, leaning back in his chair, "It's a long sad story—

—Not long after we were all stranded on this stupid desert planet, there was an old man. This man was very old. In fact he was really, really old. He was so old and senile that he didn't know up from down, left from right, water from wine.

One day his great-nephew, Thomas, that he called his son, got lost in the desert. The old man wandered and wandered. It is even said that he came across a sandworm and asked for directions. But, he could not find his son.

Just as the senile old man was about to give up hope, he bumped into a strange unknown creature in the middle of the desert. He, thinking that the critter (that looked like a chicken-horse) was his son, dragged 'Thomas' back to town and walked into the bar with his shoulder slung over 'Thomas'.

A thousand so-this-guy-walked-into-a-bar jokes were born that day.

But, anywho…to make a long story short, 'Thomas' caused the bar to explode and the 85 year old man was at fault. Sure the guy discovered the chicken-horse things we now know as a Thomas, but there were several cats in that bar that day that spontaneously combusted.

That incident…and a few others involving old people…resulted in the passing of the law. It has made the world a safer place—

—from old folks at least." The mayor then propped his feet on his desk and looked over at his guests.

"Zzzz…zzZzzz…zzzZZZ"

"Wake up, Vash!" Meryl yelled as she hit him with a book she found handy.

"Ow…" Vash wined.

The mayor then moved to stand up, "Well, Mr. Vash the Stampede…as it seems that you will be sent off to the local Old Folk's Home this afternoon…I will send in a request to have that 60 billion $$ business annulled seeing as legally 'no bounties are to be placed on old people, they are to be placed in old people homes'."

Milly sniffled, "At least you won't have to worry about the bounty anymore, Mr. Vash."

"I don't want to spend eternity playing bingo and cards!" Vash pleaded, "Plus, My twin brother is very dangerous and—"

"—OH Yes…I almost forgot," The mayor recalled, "Legally, your brother must also go to an Old Folk's Home."

"But—"Vash interrupted frantically.

The mayor patted Vash's shoulder reassured, "Don't worry about Knives…He will be sent off to a special Psycho Psychiatric Asylum Ward of the Old Folk's Home for the Crazy Old Folk's…

…Once there, he will receive the finest medical care, be gently tucked away in a straight jacket… receive special weekly visits by a trained shrink…and get plenty of healthy Psycho-tropic drugs and medications…

…He'll be good as new!" the mayor said as he cracked a smile.

"…" Vash seemed very unsure about all this. Even having that 60 billion $$ bounty removed was little comfort…but maybe…he thought, things will now be at peace—just maybe.

Vash looked wistfully around at Meryl before sternly looking at the mayor. "Alright…we'll…go peacefully…to the…Old Folk's Home."

"No Vash! Don't do it!" Meryl cried, "We'll fight for you!" She still had not had the chance to tell him how she felt about him. Now he was about to be taken away for all eternity.

Vash could only stare at her. "…"

Just then…two large men in white coats came and led Vash with Knives to a bus bound for the dreaded Old Folk's Home. He was determined in his decision to go peacefully.

Meryl and Milly could only stare at this terrible situation. Meryl waved sadly at Vash as he looked at her through the barred windows of the bus. But, then Meryl thought of something.

"You know, Vash," Meryl said slyly, "I highly doubt they serve donuts to old people! It's not good for them"

Vash's eyes almost bugged out of his head.

"WHAT!?!"

"NO!!!"

"NO donuts!?! Why didn't somebody tell me!" Vash screamed at the top of his lungs as he shook the bars of the window, "I would have fought harder to get out of this situation!"

Vash looked over at Meryl and Milly. Meryl was giggling slightly—giggling at _him_.

"Meryl! Save ME!!!"

That was the last thing he said as the bus speeded away.

Milly sniffled as she turned to face Meryl.

"Just think, Meryl," Milly cried, "You won't get to see Mr. Vash again until you're old and wrinkly and I have to send you off to the Old Folk's Home too…

…And then you'll be too old to have lots of cute children with Vash and I won't get to be an aunt and…

…WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Meryl consoled her friend. "Don't worry Milly," Meryl said triumphantly, "We're going to rescue him…

…somehow."

…

…

Will Vash survive the Old Folk's Home? Will Knives go nuts even more than usual? Can Vash live without his donuts? Will he run into anybody he knows at the Old Folk's Home? Will Vash win the bingo tournament? Will Knives meet any interesting crazy people?

How do Milly and Meryl plan to rescue Vash?

Find out Next Time?

Please Review! so I can decide to continue this fic or not. I hope you like. More funny stuff could be ahead. So review!

…

…


	2. Of Planning & Bus Rides of Fun

…

…

Chapter 2

…

…

Vash was now off in the distance and well on his way to the Old Folk's Home. Meryl and Milly were now so far off in the distance that he could no longer see them. His mind now began to wander to topics such as how he might escape. And so, he decided to survey his surroundings.

Vash turned and looked around. The bus was dank and dusty. The seats were hard and the windows had hard metal bars. It was not very picturesque. He looked up front at the two burly men in white coats. One was driving while the other was standing like a statue, staring straight at him.

"I could easily take those guys" Vash thought silently to himself. "But," he thought, "It would not be right to hurt them…And what if that one guy loses control of the bus…it could run some innocent pedestrian over…or the bus may collide with another car…or it might ram into a house causing it to explode—"

"Howdy" said a voice as the man belonging to it plopped down in the seat next to Vash.

Vash lost his train of thought and looked over next to him to see a very old and wrinkly human with double-thick glasses and a shine on his head that was so bright it was blinding. He was the only other passenger on the bus besides Knives and himself.

"Hi there." Vash said politely, shielding his eyes from the light.

"I suppose you're heading to the Old Folk's Home too eh?" The old man said. His vision was so bad that he could not even tell that Vash looked like a young man.

Vash sighed, "Yep, sadly you are correct."

The old dude held out his hand, "My names Billy Bob."

Vash shook his hand, "And I'm Vash."

Billy Bob looked deep in thought as he looked at the ceiling, "Yes, I _do_ believe I did have a Rash once."

"No!" Vash corrected, "My name is Vash not _Rash_!"

The old man nodded his head, "Oh yes. My wife once had a very pretty Sash!"

"It's Vash!"

"Cash? I don't have any on me at the moment—"

"Vash!"

"I…have a pretty eye Lash?" the old man asked as he cupped his ear trying to hear better.

"No!" Vash pleaded rubbing his forehead, "It's Vash—with a V! a V!"

The old man finally understood, "Oh! You're name's Vash? Well why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"Uh!" Vash mumbled to himself in mild annoyance. He silently hoped that all the old people at the home weren't going to be like this guy.

…

…

Vash's mind had slowly started to wander back to possible means of escape just as his 'seat buddy' Billy Bob had started snoring. But, alas it just was not his day.

"Zzzzz…you know, Vash…" said the old man, waking up suddenly.

"What." Vash replied in a not so good a mood.

"I'm actually only 39 years old."

Vash's head shot up, "What!?" he said in a you-is-talking-nonsense tone.

"Yep, but they claim I'm 93." Billy Bob nodded in a yes-it's-true fashion.

"93?" Vash started to wonder, "But how did you escape detection until now? They told me you're supposed to get put away at 85!"

"Well, I hid out with my family…that also didn't believe I was 39," the old man began, "And eventually everything was going ok…until the government started claiming I was over 85…a request for a 20,000$$ fine was sent to our house…and my friends and family were taken and arrested until they either paid up or gave me up…At that time I was in another town, but when I heard about my family…I had to give myself up."

"Uh oh…" Vash thought. If Billy Bob's closest relatives and friends were expected to pay the fine…Meryl and Milly would probably be arrested if he were to escape.

Vash once again looked at the front of the bus. "I guess blasting my way out of here is out of the question—"

"—Meryl and Milly will have to find some method that is legal to get me out of this mess."

…

…

Meanwhile, in the far off town that Vash was just spirited away from, Meryl and Milly were deep in thought.

"Meryl," Milly pleaded, "What are we going to do?"

Meryl took a moment to think, "Well, first I think we should probably head back to Bernadeli to regroup…"

"…While there…we should do some research into the law regarding persons 85 and older.."

"…If we can't find any loop-holes, errors, or technicalities…we should start a huge petition to get the law changed." Meryl was slightly worried that even that may fail.

"But, Meryl," Milly asked, "What if that fails?"

Meryl thought a bit more, "…if push comes to shove we could try two more _extreme_ options."

"What are they?" Milly asked slowly.

Meryl began, "Option one is, if the law-changing plan fails, for one of us to run for the highest public office possible…get elected…and change the law personally…"

"Or?" Milly wondered.

Meryl gulped, "Or we become bounty hunters…look up the largest bounty or bounties…turn them in for the cash…then use that cash to pay the 20,000$$ fine which will get Vash out of the Old Folk's Home for a month. At that time…all three of us escape and go into hiding…change our identities…yadda yadda…"

Milly voice was a little shaky, "Doesn't that sound a little extreme? And what happens if there are no bounties available that pay out that much?"

"Well," Meryl said in a we're-so-screwed tone, "In that case…one of us could theoretically do something warranting a huge bounty…and the other would turn her in."

"But things won't get that bad," Meryl reassured Milly, "At least…I hope not."

Ah, the things people are willing to do for love.

…

…

The bus slowed and came to a stop. Vash had a feeling of dread in his stomach, while Billy Bob was snoring obliviously. And of course, Knives was passed out cold. But, Vash's day would soon get even worse.

"Huh?" Vash questioned as he looked at the white-coated man who was rapping some sort of coat around him.

"What's this?"

"A straight jacket." The man said plainly as he fastened all the buckles around a very confused Vash.

"But, I'm plenty straight!" Complained Vash who was very confused.

"Sir," the man said firmly, "There is no reason to fuss. It's regulation. All new 'retirees' to the 'home' are placed in straight jackets until they have their scheduled Psych-Evaluation."

"WHAT!?!" Vash yelled. He could not believe that he was going to have to be evaluated by a shrink.

"If you are found to be relatively normal you will be sent on to the regular wing of the Old Folk's Home," the man explained, "Crazies are sent to the Crazy Old Folk's Home next door."

Vash thought of something and panicked, just as he was being carried off along with Billy Bob, "What about my brother? He's unconscious! He won't be able to sit through an evaluation."

"Don't worry sir," the man continued, "Your brother will be kept in the medical wing with the Crazies by default until such time as he is fit to have a Psych-Evaluation."

…

…

"Why me?!?" Vash thought as he was toted off to his evaluation, "Why do bad things always happen to me, me, me!" He sighed.

"I hope Knives doesn't try to kill any of his Psychiatrists!"

…

…

Will Vash pass his Psych-Evaluation? Will Meryl & Milly's plans to save Vash fail? Will the Psychiatrist live through an appointment with Knives? What will Vash think of the old people he meets? What will Knives think of his roommates at the Old Folk's Home?

Find out Next Time!

…

To Be Continued

…

Please Review!

…

…


	3. Milly's idea & Vash's Evaluation

…

Chapter 3

…

…

Vash was slightly nervous as he peered around at his new surroundings. He had been taken to a small white room by the two burly men from the bus. The room's only contents were a metal chair that was screwed to the floor very tightly and a regular wooden desk with a regular looking chair and a regular looking tall young doctor man sitting in it.

"Hello mister—"The doctor looked down at a piece of paper, "—Vash….last name not listed…hmm."

Vash watched the doctor who wore a white coat as he combed through a file that Vash assumed was his. He winced as he was sat and strapped into the metal chair that was very cold.

"Hello, sir." The doctor began politely, "My name is Dr. Brainstern and I will be your Psychiatric advisor for your regulation Psych-Evaluation."

Vash had a fleeting thought about making some comment about the guy's weirdo name.

"I will be asking you a series of questions," the psychiatrist stated, "Based on your answers I will evaluate whether you are mentally competent or not. Let's begin."

Vash fidgeted in his seat. They had tied his leather straps a bit too tight.

"Name?" the doctor began with pen and paper in hand.

Vash made a weird face at the man, "But, you already said my name a second a go!"

The doctor frowned slightly and spoke more firmly, "Name?"

"Vash." Spoke Vash unenthusiastically.

"Last name?" the doctor said, adjusting the glasses on his face.

"Uh…" Vash panicked not really knowing what to say, "Uh…um…uh…Stampede?"

"Ok…" the doctor said as he scribbled on the paper, "Mr…Vash…Stampede…"

"Occupation?" he continued.

Vash stared at his psychiatrist blankly. His mind was also blank. Occupation? Occupation! Vash racked his mind trying to think, but he could not remember ever holding a single real actual paying job for any amount of time.

"Uh…uh….uh…" Vash looked at the ceiling….

"Um…uh….um…um…um…um…" Vash was drawing a blank. He rolled his eyes looking for answers from the blank floors to the blank walls to the blank ceiling.

For a moment Vash contemplated giving an answer of "bum", "wanted man", or "donut fiend", but luckily he thought of something better.

At the top of his lungs Vash shouted, "I AM A WARRIOR OF LOVE & PEACE!"

He probably would have stood up and given a bunch of goofy hand signals and cute poses if he was not tied up in a straight jacket. But he made do with a ridiculous smile.

The doctor could only gape at Vash with a raised eyebrow. If he didn't think Vash was short a few marbles before, he thought so now.

Slightly composing himself, the psychiatrist slowly replied as he once again picked up his pen and paper, "I'll…just put you down as…'retired'."

…

…

Meanwhile, Meryl and Milly had returned to Bernadeli on a very fast bus.

"Well, Meryl," Milly said as she looked up at the Insurance building, "What now?"

Meryl thought for a moment and pointed down the street, "Let's head for the library down that way…they should have some Law books there to research."

They walked down the street for a few minutes before Milly broke the silence.

"I've got an idea, Meryl!" Milly yelled, smiling as she tossed her arms in the air consequently dropping the travel bag she had been holding.

Meryl looked at her friend then at the bag on the ground, "If it involves pudding… the answer is no." She said crossing her arms, "We don't have time right now."

"Oh no, silly," Milly said smiling, "I thought of a surefire way to save Vash!"

"Really?" Meryl asked in a very surprised manner. She never figured Milly for a big idea person.

"Yeah!"

"Well, spill it!" Meryl said slightly excited.

"Well," Milly started get closer to Meryl so she could whisper into her ear.

"Yes?" Meryl said listening closely.

Milly looked around then sudden said, "All we need is a turtle!"

"WHAT!?!" Meryl yelled as she fell over backwards, "A _turtle_, Milly?! What in the world are you talking about—"

Milly interrupted Meryl and began speaking nonstop in a matter-of-fact way, "I read about a turtle in a book once! They are an animal that people used to keep as pets and I think there were a few on the old spaceships but the important thing is that they _live_ a really long time so that if we find somebody on Gunsmoke that has a descendent of one of the turtles that was on the old spaceships, _then_ we can find one that is like 85 or older—"

Meryl was looking more and more dazed and confused as Milly rambled on.

"—and once we find that old turtle we can take it to the mayor and say 'aren't you going to put Mr. turtle in the Old Folk's Home?' and then he'd said 'no' cause hey it's a turtle so then _we_ could say but 'hey it's the law' and the turtle is a person because that is what the family of the turtle consider him to be and so on until we force them to either send Mr. turtle to live with old people or change the law to say that only _humans_ are to be sent to the Old Folk's Home—"

"—and since Vash is a non-human life form…he'll be saved! Yea!" Milly smiled and threw her arms in the air once again.

Meryl was speechless.

"So, Meryl" Milly asked, "What do ya think of my idea?"

…

…

Back at the Psych-Evaluation…

"Year?"

"Huh?"

"I want you to tell me what year it is," the doctor said slightly annoyed. "The date!"

"I dunno." Vash said plainly.

"Ugh!" The doctor grunted as he looked to be making big marks on the paper.

A bead of sweat slid down the side of Vash's face, "I'm not…doing badly am I?" He said with a slightly unsure tone.

"No…no…" The doctor said with a very fake smile, "You're doing just fine." He seemed to be speaking through his teeth.

…

…

Meanwhile, while Vash was having his Psych-Evaluation, Knives was on his way to meet his new roommates on the Crazy wing of the Old Folk's Home…until such time as he regains consciousness and is able to have his own Psych-Evaluation.

Since Knives was still unconscious he was carried to his room in hall number 6 by two large dudes that worked there.

"Let's see," said one of the large men as he looked for the assigned room number, "663…664…665…oh! Here we go…room 6 hundred sixty-six." They unbolted the door and walked in.

The room was well padded—the floor, walls, and ceiling. There were three beds. Two of them were occupied.

Knives was carried over to his bed which was the one on the far left. He was then gently strapped to his bed with nice thick leather straps.

"Good night," the large dudes said as they left.

"Good night," called back the voices of two old men.

The old man in the middle bed was slightly balding. He was sporting blue flannel pajamas and a funny blue nightcap. He was not strapped to the bed. He must be one of the less crazy ones…or not.

The old man from the middle bed got up to see his new roommate. The old guy on the far right watched but was strapped to the bed.

"Hi ya, roomy!" the old man said as he walked over to Knives holding out his hand. He apparently did not realize Knives was unconscious.

"Not very friendly, eh?" he mumbled when Knives did not respond, "Well, anyway…My name's Napoleon!"

The old guy on the right frowned at "Napoleon" and yelled over at him, "No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!" Yelled the old man, "Shut up, Dumpy!"

"Dumpy!?!", "Dumpy" scowled, "That ain't my name you…you…Nutbunny!!!"

"Zzzzzz….zzzZZZ…." was the only comment that Knives could give the arguing old men at the moment.

But… what will happen when he wakes up?

…

…

Will Vash pass his evaluation? What reply will Meryl give to Milly's crazy idea? How will Knives react to his roommates? Who will Vash have for a roommate? Will he be trapped playing bingo forever?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued…

…

…

Review! Review! Please! Please!  
Thank You!

…

…


	4. Sleep Talk

…

…

Chapter 4

…

The Psych-Evaluation had finally come to an end, and Vash was sitting nervously, watching Dr. Brainstern and wondering if he passed….or failed.

"Well now, Mr. Vash," the doctor began.

"Yes?" Vash asked in anticipation.

"Except for your silly claims of being a 'non-human' life form…and a few other strange things you have said," the doctor said plainly as he read over his report, "…Overall…I'd have to say that you _are_ in fact mentally competent enough to reside—"

"Wait a second!" Vash interrupted, "If you don't think I'm not human…then how can you believe I'm over a hundred when I look younger than you!?"

"Well…" the doctor stated matter-of-factly, "We had you carbon dated which proved that you are in fact over a century old—"

Vash interrupted again in a confused and disbelieving tone, "You don't have the technology to carbon date people!"

"Yes we do."

"No you don't!"

"Yes…we _do_."

"Nuh UH!" Vash said…sticking out his tongue.

"Anywho, Mr. Stampede," Dr. Brainstern began again, "Based on the fact that you are that old…I was able to look up possible diseases that would cause such a strange effect in humans…And after looking through some very old records from the old spaceships that told of rare and unknown diseases… I have come to the come to the conclusion…that you in fact have—"

"—Randomstopagingdiseasia."

Vash stared at his psychiatrist blankly, "You just made that up!"

"No I didn't." said the doctor plainly.

"Yes you did!" Vash yelled at him, "Anyway, those old computer records are so old, jumbled, corrupted, and generally messed up from the crash that all the information makes no sense…You can't possibly, really, believe that I—"

Knock, knock, knock was the sound that suddenly came from the door. Two large guys in white coats walked in.

"Well, Mr. Vash," The doctor smiled, "This is goodbye. You have passed your evaluation. Now you will be taken to get your regulation outfit and gear…plus you will get to meet your new roommate."

Vash's mood was slightly brightened when he watched the two men kindly remove his straight jacket. He wouldn't be having to wear that thing anymore.

As Vash was being lead out the door to the check-in counter, the doctor called out, "Oh! I almost forgot! What's your favorite color?"

"Huh?" Vash was slightly surprised by the question, "Uh…um…red?"

"Good…good…" were the last words Vash heard from the doctor as the door was shut and Vash was led down the hallway.

…

…

Vash soon found himself standing in front of a counter that had a sign reading 'Check In'. The man behind the counter handed him a small box. Vash opened it to find a pair of shiny flannel pajamas…_red_ shiny flannel pajamas.

"Red?" Vash asked, "How did you—"

"The file said that it's your favorite color," the man behind the counter said, "Is it not?"

Vash smiled slightly as he picked up his pajamas, but then he looked further in the box to find some fuzzy pink slippers.

"Pink!?!" Vash wined, "Why did you give me fuzzy _pink_ slippers!?"

The man behind the counter was busy writing something on a piece of paper, "We're outta red." He said plainly.

"But why the pink!?!"

"It was the closest thing we had to red."

Vash made a face at the man.

"What?" the man exclaimed, "Would you have rather had the orange glow-in-the-dark bunny slippers?!

Vash thought for a second and stared at the pink slippers…before shaking his head a firm "no."

"I thought so." The man replied as he dug through a few boxes behind the counter.

"Oh! And here's your regulation cane, walker, and wheelchair." The man behind the counter continued as he dumped the items in Vash's hands.

Vash then wobbled off to the changing rooms…followed by the two large dudes.

"Have fun!" the guy behind the counter chuckled.

…

…

Meanwhile, Milly and Meryl found themselves in the large library that was just down the street from the Bernadeli Insurance Company, combing through the Law books searching for answers. Earlier that day, Milly had related to Meryl a very strange idea indeed. It took Meryl a few moments but she finally thought of a response:

"Well…Milly," Meryl said politely, "There are just a few problems with that idea…"

Meryl held up her hand and index finger, "…One, I don't have a clue what a turtle looks like…" she then held up 2 fingers.

"…Two, I doubt we could find a turtle anywhere…" She sighed as she then displayed 3 fingers.

"…Three, theoretically…if we did find a turtle it's not like we could find out how old it is," Meryl continued, "You couldn't just walk up to a turtle and say 'hey, could you tell me how old you are?'." Meryl then went back to crossing her arms.

Milly hung her head slightly, "Oh…"

"But, it was a good try," Meryl said trying to cheer her friend up, "Hey, let's pick up some pudding cups before we head to the library. We'll probably think better with full stomachs."

Once again Milly's face exhibited her trademark smile, "Yea!!!"

…

It was a few hours after that discussion that they found themselves presently shifting through books at the library. Well, more like _Meryl_ found herself searching through books in the library—Milly was gulping down pudding cup after pudding cup.

"Ah ha!" Meryl exclaimed as she found the correct law book, "I found it!"

"Yum! …I mean Yea!" Milly yelled with a mouth full of pudding.

Meryl picked up the large thick law book labeled 'Early Laws of Gunsmoke vol. 7'. She thumbed through the index until she found what had to be the correct Law that she was looking for.

She turned to the page listed and found not only the transcript of the law itself, but an explanation for it.

Meryl ran her finger across the page and began to read, "The Law of Permanent Residence Relocation for Persons of Age 85 & Older…this law was instituted after a vote was held by all governing bodies of all different cities of Gunsmoke that existed at the time…"

"…the vote was held after 4 separate incidents that convinced citizens that something must be done…"

"What were the incidents, Meryl?" Milly asked having finished her last pudding cup.

"Well," Meryl replied, "They are in a list here…see?"

Milly looked at the page and read off the list, "…1) The old man & Thomas discovery…2) The old man & the…rabid cats…3) The old man & the sandworm incident…and the last one…4) The old man & the bus disaster…"

Meryl made a face, "Those all sound pretty strange…but we've already heard the one about the Thomas. What are the others about?"

Milly continued, "…it says: see page 57 for more information."

Meryl took the book back from Milly, turned to page 57, and ran her finger down the page, "Hmmm…" She started to read from the page:

"The old man and the Thomas….we've heard that one….let's see…old man & rabid cats…an old man…yadda…yadda…bitten by a rabid cat…died…_eaten_ by cats!?!...then…all those cats got rabies too?!...and then…" Meryl skimmed further down the page, "…the cats attacked all the townsfolk…everybody _died_!...this is insane! I'm going to the next one."

"Oh, and Meryl," Milly interrupted, "It also says here that the story of 'Cat-Man' is still used as a bedtime story to scare children."

"Ugh!" Meryl rolled her eyes as she looked at the third incident, "…old man…wandered out in the desert…blah blah blah…eaten by sandworm….that sounds unpleasant…then…he was blamed for giving sandworms a taste for human blood!?! What!?! Then…the sandworm came back to devour the entire town!?! …and from then on…all towns were to be built on hard rock or stone…huh…"

Milly turned to Meryl with a confused look, "What about the last one?"

Meryl turned the page and began to read off the page, "Incident number 4… a bus driven by an old man, 91…crashed into a grocery store causing the place to catch fire and explode…he was reported to have lost control of the bus because…because?!...he was… _making love_ to his 4th wife?!?!...WHAT!?!...this is ridiculous!...and it goes on to say that there were hundreds dead, none injured. This is crazy!"

"Yep." Milly replied.

Meryl sighed as she turned back to the page with the actual law on it, "Why do I get the strangest feeling that some high-up moron made all this up just so he could pass a law to get his mother-in-law off his back?"

Milly shrugged.

…

…

It was getting really late back at the Old Folk's Home, and Vash, now sporting his cute loose flannel pajamas, was being led down the hall to his room on hall number 3 by the two large dudes that work there—Vash's arms were still full with the cane, walker, and wheelchair he was issued.

"Here you go, sir, room 350," one of the large guys said as he opened the door, "The doors are kept locked at night, but otherwise you are welcome to wander about. The cafeteria, entertainment, and lounge area times are listed on a pamphlet that you'll find on your bed. If you need something, holler at the watchmen down either end of the hall."

Vash walked in the room as the man shut the door and said to Vash, "Good night, sir."

"Uh…good night…" Vash said unsurely as he looked about the dark room.

"It's so dark I can barely see," thought Vash, "Where's the light switch?"

Vash sat the wheelchair down on the wood floor and set the cane and walker in it. Then he fumbled about until he found the light switch that was right next to the middle bed.

"There!" Vash said switching on the light. But what he saw…he could not believe his eyes.

In the middle of the middle bed was a potted plant—a mini tree with a note attached.

"What the—"Vash said as he picked up the note and read it.

It said, "Hope you like your new roommate—signed the doc."

"Grrr…" Vash mumbled then laughed sarcastically, "Ha…ha….ha. A plant as a roommate for a plant. Huh. I guess that quack thinks that's funny—"

"AHHH!!!" came a voice suddenly.

"WHAT!?!" Vash yelled almost falling over.

"Huh?" an old guy got up from the bed on the far left. He had been asleep and Vash had apparently startled him.

Vash relaxed a bit, "I didn't even see you over there I—"Vash came closer to where he could see the guy but stopped short.

"Well if it isn't good ole _Rash_!" the old man exclaimed. It was Billy Bob, the guy that had been on the bus with Vash.

Vash's face drooped as he thought to himself, "Oh no. Not that guy—"

"—why did it have to be him?" Vash fell over to his own bed on the far right… still clutching the potted plant.

…

…

Meanwhile…only 3 halls over…in the Crazy Old Folk's Home…3 other roommates were preparing for bed.

In room 666, Knives was still unconscious on his bed, but he had been snoring a bit louder. Dumpy was talking to his imaginary friends, and Napoleon was just about to turn off the light switch.

"Good night, all" Napoleon said as he switch off the light and they all went to bed…or at least they would try to.

A few minutes later as Napoleon was almost asleep he heard a strange noise from the bed on the right.

"zzzzZZZZZZZ….snore….SNORE…" Knives was snoring loudly.

Napoleon opened one eye slightly.

"zzzzZZZZ….kill….snore…KILL…Zzzzzzz"

Napoleon stuck his pillow over his ears and tried to ignore Knives's snoring.

"SNORE…kill…zzzzzzZZZ…kill…all…humans…KILL...zzzzZZzzz"

"Grr…" Napoleon grunted as he was becoming more annoyed.

"Zzzz….kill…kill…spiders…SNORE….ZZZZ…squish SQUISH…zzz"

Napoleon's eyes shot open and he tossed a pillow at Knives.

Knives turned over a bit, "zzZZZ…good…butterfly…I'm a good….SNORE…butterfly"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…" Knives started to quiet down a little.

"Finally." Napoleon thought as he drifted back to sleep.

But…what would the morning bring?

…

…

Will Knives wake up in the morning? Will Vash survive his roommate? Will Meryl and Milly be able to save Vash? Will Vash have a mental breakdown at the sight of the cafeteria menu?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Review! Please Review!  
The more reviews, the faster I update.  
Thanks!

…

…


	5. It's Just One of Those Days

…

…

Chapter 5

…

…

It was getting really late at the library down the street from the Bernadeli Insurance Society building, and Meryl and Milly were struggling to stay awake.

"Zzzzz…Zzzzz…zzzZzzzz…" Milly had even started snoring.

Meryl looked up from the law book she was reading and looked over at her friend.

"Hmm…It is getting kind of late…" Meryl said as she noticed that the windows of the room they were in were dark, "Let's leave for the night and come back tomorrow."

Milly yawned as she got up and went to open the door. They were in a special study room within the large library.

"Hurry up, Milly," Meryl said as she gathered her things, "Let's get going."

"Um, Meryl…" Milly laughed nervously, "The door is locked. I think…I think the library closed up while we were reading that book."

"WHAT!?!" Meryl stared in disbelief at her friend, "We're locked in?!"

"Uh huh." Milly answered softly with a nervous smile on her face.

"UGH!!!" Meryl yelled in disgust. After all the stress of what had happened with Vash and the Old Folk's Home, Meryl was in a bad mood. And now this—locked in the library. At this point she felt like either pulling her hair out or banging her head against the wall. But, Meryl just settled with hitting herself in the head with that big law book a few times.

Milly walked over to Meryl and tried to make her feel better, "Aw, it's alright Meryl. We can just sleep on the library floor…and use books for pillows…and pretend we're at a sleep-over…and tell ghost stories… and eat pudding…and—"

Meryl could only sigh as Milly rambled on.

…

…

Morning dawned at the Old Folk's Home and all seemed well and fine. But this would be a day there that no-one would forget.

Vash woke with a start. He opened his eyes to find Billy Bob shaking his shoulder yelling "Rash get up! Get up, Lash! Let's go eat breakfast, Mash!"

"Huh?" Vash said in a confused way, "And my name is Vash!" He had silently hoped that all this Old Folk's Home business had just been a bad dream.

"Come on," Billy Bob said, "It's morning—breakfast time. I'm hungry. Let's go eat!"

Vash got up out of his bed and said, "Ok." Fear struck his heart over what would be on the menu, but even more so over what would not.

As Vash sat down his plant 'roommate' he noticed something. "Hey! It's fake!" The only thing real about it was the dirt in the pot.

"I _thought_ it was strange that a tree like this would be so freely available on this desert planet, anyway." Vash thought to himself.

Vash shrugged and walked out the door and down the hall, following Billy Bob. Soon they would be in the cafeteria.

…

As Vash entered the cafeteria, he saw a plethora of old wrinkly people. He picked up his tray as he entered the cafeteria line. But then, he came face to face with the large print menu hung up on the wall.

Vash's smile slowly turned into a frown as he began to read slowly off the menu, "Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner Menu…"

"…strained peas…"

"…strained carrots…" Vash made a face.

"…strained applesauce?" Vash raised an eyebrow.

"…strained…salmon!?"

"…strained…Thomas!?!...What the hell!?!" Vash really couldn't believe that one.

Apparently the Lunch-Dude heard his questioning of the Thomas, so he replied to Vash, "Well, sir…we gotta do something with them Thomas's when they get old and die…"

"Ewwww…" Vash wined. Then he turned to look at the menu some more, but he was not liking what he was seeing.

"Uh, hey!" Vash called out to the Lunch-Dude, "Don't you have any donuts?" Vash asked in a pleading tone, trying desperately to hold on to that little bit of hope that—

"Nope." Came a reply that brought Vash's world crashing down.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!!" Vash cried as he fell to his knees. He had been warned by Meryl that there would probably be no donuts. But, alas, he was in denial. He had hoped to the last hope that it wouldn't be true.

Everyone in the cafeteria stared at Vash.

Vash started crying, "WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!! I wanna dooonnnuuutt!!!" It was quite a pitiful sight.

"Okay, okay…" The big Lunch-Dude said, handing out an object to Vash that was round in shape.

Vash's eyes went wide as he bolted up and reached for the object.

"Could it be? Could it be?!?" Vash thought as his heart leapt from his throat.

Then Vash looked down at what he held in his hand. "WHAT!?!"

Vash frowned at the Lunch-Dude and wined angrily, "This ain't no donut!!! …It's a bagel with sugar poured on it!!!"

"Eh…" the Lunch-Dude said, shrugging, "Close enough."

…

…

Meanwhile, over in 'Crazy Town', Knives and his roommates were still in bed, asleep. Napoleon was especially tired because Knives' ramblings and talkings in his sleep kept him awake quite awhile during the night.

Suddenly a knock came on the door, "Feeding and medication time!" a young male voice called out in a cheery tone.

Soon the sounds of the door being carefully unbolted were heard. And a male nurse walked in with a clipboard in hand and what looked like a little cart of food and stuff.

"Wake up now so I can give you your breakfast and medications," The nurse smiled. Then he looked over at Knives.

"Oh, someone new?" the nurse thought, "There were only two in this room the last time I came."

He walked over to Knives, "Wake up, now! It's food time."

The nurse soon became curious as to why Knives was not waking up. He started to become worried as someone had apparently failed to inform him of Knives' unconscious coma-like state.

"I wonder if he is ok," the nurse said looking Knives over, "Is he breathing?"

At this point the nurse decided to check if Knives was breathing or not. This is usually done by holding up a finger to a patient's nose and seeing if you can feel any air moving in and out.

Knives' eyes fluttered open just in time to see some strange scary shape moving toward his face.

And he reacted in the only way he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Came the screeching screams of the male nurse as Knives sunk his teeth into the nurse's hand.

It was a horrible sound that could surely be heard by the entirety of the residents of the Old Folk's Home.

"AAAAAAHHHHHh!!!! YEEEEEIIIIAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!" The nurse continued screaming as he was frozen in shock.

Knives shut his eyes tight as he sunk his teeth deeper into the nurse's hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Amid the screaming, Napoleon opened his eye slightly and looked upon the strange scene.

"Oh, my… I should really do something!" Napoleon said, sitting up slightly.

"Naw…" Then he promptly fell back on his bed and went back to sleep. "Zzzz…"

…

…

Will Meryl & Milly escape the library? Will they find a way to save Vash? What will happen now that Knives is awake? How will Vash live without donuts?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Review! I love Reviews!

Thank you!

…

…


	6. The Happenings of Crazy People

…

Chapter 6

…

…

"aaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

The nurse's screams had not subsided as his frightened mind was quickly trying to sort out what was happening.

Suddenly the nurse snapped out of his frozen state and became quite aware of the pain in his hand. After glancing at Knives and realizing that he had bit him, the nurse desperately yanked at his arm, trying to free his hand from the grip of Knives' teeth.

Once that brilliant plan had failed, the poor guy panicked, and he could only think of one plan of action that could free his hand—whack Knives in the head with his wooden clipboard.

After a few good whacks to the head, Knives was unconscious again, and the nurse's hand was free.

As the nurse struggled to catch his breath from the ordeal he glanced at his hand to assess the damage. He then fainted. Mr. wimpy nurse _fainted_. It was only a slightly bloody gash, but oh well.

Napoleon happened to wake up in time to see the scene.

"Huh?" Napoleon asked himself sleepily as his bones creaked as he sat up in bed, "What's happening?"

He looked in front of him to see his nurse sprawled out in the floor with a bloody hand and a clipboard on his head. Up on the bed was Knives, with his tongue hanging out and a large bump on his head.

The only comment Napoleon had on the incident was, "…Who's gonna feed me, now?"

…

…

Meanwhile, over in the cafeteria, Vash was nearing the end of the cafeteria line. Vash stared down at his food selections on his tray with a scowl. He was hungry and _had_ to eat something, but he was not liking what he was seeing.

As he and Billy Bob sat down at one of the many wooden eating tables, Vash suddenly remembered something.

"Hey, um…Billy Bob," Vash asked, setting down his tray, "Did you hear some kind of weird distant noise or something a few minutes ago?…I thought I did…"

Billy Bob stared blankly at Vash, "What?!" He yelled cupping his ear.

"A weird noise," Vash repeated a little louder, "Did you hear it?"

"What?!" Billy Bob replied again.

Vash rolled his eyes and frowned, "Oh, I give up."

Vash once again turned his attention to looking at his tray of food. He made a face. For his breakfast, he had been given strained applesauce, tapioca pudding, some sort of unidentifiable blob thing, some prune juice, and that stupid bagel that was _supposed_ to be a 'donut'.

Now it was Vash's turn to feel like banging his head against the wall.

"Why me?" Vash wined, "Why _always_ me?"

He looked over at Billy Bob who was currently going-to-town on _his_ meal.

"Huh?!" Vash said in surprise, "You actually like that stuff?!"

"Yup!" Billy Bob said as he slurped his prune juice, "…helps get your _bowels_ moving. Heh heh heh!"

Vash stuck his tongue out in disgust, "Ewww…"

At this point Vash decided to try to stop thinking about how gross the food was and take a look around. He looked past Billy Bob and saw what he assumed to be the lounge area in the distance. Several old people were over there, relaxing on soft couches and lounge chairs and recliners—most of them were snoring, _loudly_.

Vash chuckled slightly at the sight. Then he looked over to the left, and saw what had to be the game area. He saw several tables with various games strewn about. Currently there were three old dudes playing dominoes, and Vash could almost hear their loud conversation.

…

…

"I don't think we're playing this game right."

"Here, I play the center as the 5, 5 domino."

"Whose turn is it?"

"Well, back in my day—"

"Your day was our day too, ya idiot!"

"What now? I can't hear ya."

"Just play!"

"Here's the 5, 2…Checkmate!"

"That's not how you play _dominoes_, you old coot!"

"Huh?!"

"I'm tired, I'm taking a nap. zzzzZZZzzz…."

"Grrr…I'm tired of both of ya…"

…

…

Vash raised an eyebrow as he watched one of the old dudes storm off—and by storm off I mean going 0.001 iles per hour with his walker, shuffling along like a train. One of the old men was asleep on the table, while the other rambled on about something 'back in his day' or whatever.

Vash shrugged, then scowled once again as he eyed his food.

"I gotta eat something or I'll starve…" Vash wined loudly, as he prepared to pick up the bagel and try to eat it.

As the bagel inched its way closer to Vash's mouth, he closed his eyes and kept repeating to himself, "It's a donut….It's a yummy donut…It's a juicy donut…"

And then the bagel met his mouth.

"Bleah!!!" Vash yelled as he spit the bite of bagel out of his mouth, "That wasn't sugar on there!!! It was _salt_!!!"

…

…

It had been daylight for quite awhile over at the library that Meryl and Milly were currently locked in. At this point they should have been rejoicing over the fact that it was daylight and they had survived the night stuck in the library. Usually daylight meant that the library opened at dawn.

But sadly, Meryl and Milly were having a bad string of luck. It was now the weekend, and this particular library would not be open till 1:00 P.M.

"Noooooo…" Meryl groaned as she twisted and turned the doorknob, "It can't be…Why did we have to get locked in here in the first place!?"

Meryl sighed as she sat back down in the hard wooden chair; her hair was looking more frazzled by the moment.

In contrast, Milly still had her usual carefree smile on her face.

Meryl grunted again in disgust of their situation and looked back at the law book, 'Early Laws of Gunsmoke vol. 7' once again. She decided that if she had to be stuck here, then she might as well pass the time by trying to find some sort of loophole or error within the law that regarded persons over 85.

Unfortunately, the law itself was about twenty pages in length, with lengthy technicalities and explanations filled with big words and nearly incomprehensible babble.

"Ugh!" Meryl complained as she continued the lengthy process of reading through the law.

Milly was over in the corner of the room, deep in thought—that couldn't of been a good sign.

Suddenly she walked up to Meryl and opened up her mouth to say something.

Meryl noticed and said in a friendly, yet I'm-in-kind-of-a-bad-mood tone, "What is it, Milly?"

"Meryl," Milly said in a cheery smiling tone, "I got another idea!"

"Huh?" Meryl said sleepily, wondering what it could possibly be this time.

"I think it's a better idea than the last one." Milly said smiling ear to ear.

"What is it?" Meryl asked curiously.

"All we need is a kitty cat!" Milly smiled jumping up and down in excitement.

Meryl almost fell out of her chair, "HUH?!"

Once Meryl gathered her thoughts she began, "Umm, Milly, I don't think that—"

Milly cut her off, "All we have to do is find an 85 year old kitty!" She smiled again at Meryl.

Meryl sighed, burying her face in the book, "Cats don't live that long Milly."

Milly looked at the ceiling as if she was contemplating this, "Yes they do."

"No, they don't, Milly." Meryl said plainly.

Milly smiled knowingly for a moment, then said, "They do…in _cat_ years…"

This time Meryl _did_ fall out of her chair.

…

…

Meanwhile, over in the Crazy Old Folk's Home, Knives and the nurse-man were being rushed over to the medical wing.

Knives' mind was desperately trying to return to consciousness.

Many sounds were reaching Knives's ears and the voices were echoing in his mind—doctors speaking to each other, and nurses telling him to try to wake up.

Knives slowly opened his eyes slightly, becoming immediately aware of the terrible pain in his head, and the lingering pain of the now-beginning-to-heal gunshot wounds Vash had given him.

His mind and vision were so jumbled that he could not make out the figures in the room, to him they were grayish shapes that moved about like shadows. He blinked, and once he realized that his head felt slightly better with closed eyes, he kept them closed.

Knives was extremely confused and somewhat frightened—he didn't know what the hell was going on. He drifted in and out of sleep, and tried to listen to the sounds around him.

He heard his name a few times. Someone gently said, "Mr. Knives…you have a concussion…try to stay awake…"

Knives was strangely compelled to listen to this voice in his mind, so he struggled to stay conscious.

Then, Knives had the strangest sensation of something being placed on his face. He felt himself being lifted up and placed in a chair of some sort. And then, it started to move.

Knives did not know it, but he was currently being wheeled from the medical wing back to his room, in a wheelchair.

…

…

"When is somebody going to feed me!?!" The old man who called himself Napoleon complained, just as he heard the bolts on his door being undone.

He sat on his bed and watched his roommate as he was wheeled in by a doctor. The doctor rolled Knives' wheelchair over to the corner at the foot of his bed. Then Napoleon watched as the doctor just left him there and walked out.

"We'll be back to check on him in a few minutes," the doctor stated as he left the room.

Napoleon got up and hobbled over to where Knives was sitting in the wheelchair.

"Hello," Napoleon said in a curious tone, "What have they done to you?"

Besides the fact that Knives was in a wheelchair, he was strapped in _real_ good. He had large leather straps that wrapped all the way around the wheelchair. His feet were even strapped to the wheelchair. And he still had the straight jacket on—which, of course, was also strapped to the wheelchair.

But, Napoleon was right, there _was_ something decidedly new. Knives now sported a leather and metal _muzzle_ strapped around his face and mouth.

Knives grunted as he painfully opened his eyes to view the creature that had spoken in his general direction. He felt like his head was spinning. He could barely jumble together a complete thought. But, at least his vision was better. Yet, he was unsure what the strange wrinkly creature was that stood before him.

Knives searched his mind for an answer. Napoleon stared at Knives strangely.

After a few minutes of trying to recall information Knives himself had read as a child while on the SEEDS ship, along with the decidedly wrinkly appearance of the strange creature before him—plus the fact that the room was kind of dark, Knives could come to only one conclusion:

"Are you…" Knives spoke in a weak and muffled voice, "an…elephant?"

"Um…no." The old man stared blankly, "My name's Napoleon."

"Napoleon?" Knives asked slowly, searching his mind for an answer, "The…french creature? Who lived many centuries ago?"

"Um…Yeah?" Napoleon replied.

Knives was beginning to grow angry in his confusion, "Why would you think you are this… _Napoleon_?"

"Because," Napoleon replied smugly, "God told me so!"

"NO I DIDN'T!!!" came an angry voice from the bed on the left.

Napoleon turned around and stared at Dumpy, "You're not God!"

"Yes I am!" Dumpy exclaimed.

"No you ain't!" Napoleon yelled angrily in reply.

And, amid the arguing of these old men, Knives was once again overcome by his pain, and feel asleep once again—snoring and dreaming sweet dreams of wiping out the entire human race.

But now that Knives has finally awoken from his unconscious state, his Psych-Evaluation surely looms before him.

…

…

Will Milly's kitty plan work? Will Vash starve to death? Can the doctor handle Knives' Psych-Evaluation? Will that one old dude ever learn how to play dominoes correctly?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Come on and Review! Please! Please!

I love your comments!

…

…


	7. Rude Awakening

…

…

Chapter 7

…

Milly reached out a helping hand to Meryl who now found herself on the library floor after falling out of her chair from hearing Milly's strange plan to save Vash that involved a kitty cat. In a moment, Meryl was quickly back on her feet.

"Um, Milly…" Meryl said in an exasperated tone, "Cat years? What the heck do you mean by that?!"

Milly smiled and replied, "Well…you see, Meryl…so many human years equals a cat year."

"How _many_ years?" Meryl asked as she plopped down in the wooden chair again. She could not wait to get out of this library.

"Well," Milly began, looking up at the ceiling as if deep in thought, "I think that 7 cat years equal a human year…or was it 7 dog years that equal a human year—"

Meryl sighed.

"—My big big brother had a pet dog once…or was it a Thomas…" Milly began to have a slightly confused look on her face, "…or maybe it was a Thomas that thought it was a dog and—"

"That's enough, Milly" Meryl said in a strangely calm tone.

"But, Meryl." Milly started.

Meryl cut her off, "Ok, Milly… you just…go to the town and find a cat and do whatever with that…take it to the mayor even…whatever…"

Milly smiled in excitement and ran to the door.

Meryl sighed, "It will probably be faster if we split up our efforts, anyway…"

Meryl looked over to see Milly trying the doorknob in several different ways.

"And, Milly" Meryl called out, "The door's still locked."

"Oh, right," Milly giggled, "I forgot."

…

…

Meanwhile on hall 6, a doctor was heading back to check on his patient. After walking a little ways he came upon the correct room number and unbolted the doors. As he entered, he came upon a very strange scene.

Napoleon was standing in the middle of the room, perfectly still, staring at Knives.

The doctor blinked and looked at Napoleon, and then at Knives who was obviously asleep, "Excuse me, what is going on here?"

"I'm having a staring contest and I'm winning!" Napoleon said excitedly without moving.

"Off course you're winning, stupid!" 'God' aka Dumpy yelled, "He's not awake!"

"Okey dokey" the doctor spoke to himself, slightly confused. He raised an eyebrow and looked at the old men strangely as he walked over to Knives and pushed his wheelchair over to the door.

The doctor turned around as he was closing the door, to see that Napoleon still hadn't moved.

"I'm still winning!" he yelled.

"Yeah," Dumpy said sarcastically, "Cause your opponent's the _wall_!"

The doctor shook his head as the door was once again bolted up and Knives was wheeled down the hall—snoring slightly.

…

…

At that moment, Vash had just finished his fifth glass of prune juice. He had found most of the other items on his plate inedible—but he did think that the strained applesauce was ok…plus the prune juice tasted alright…sort of.

Billy Bob had already finished his plate, and was currently staring off into space.

Vash rested his face in his hands; he was getting kind of bored. Might as well try to strike up a conversation.

"Uh…hey," Vash said somewhat unenthusiastically to Billy Bob, "Your yellow pajamas are almost the same color as my hair."

"Yellow?" Billy bob said looking down at his pajamas, "These were white when I got them…"

Vash's eyes went wide.

That was the end of _that_ particular conversation.

…

Suddenly some other old dude in gray pajamas randomly sat himself down at Vash's and Billy Bob's table.

"Hello, there, newcomers!" The old, somewhat chubby man said cheerily, "My name's Paw-Paw Joe!"

"Hello" Vash and Billy Bob answered in a friendly tone.

"I'm Billy Bob," Billy Bob said, "And this here' Rash—I mean Vash"

Suddenly Joe put his arms around Vash and Billy Bob, "Let me show you around!"

Vash put on a big fake, slightly nervous smile. He did not quite know what to think about all this. Hanging out with old people was not his idea of fun. His idea of fun involved him and a large table covered in donuts—and possibly Meryl in there somewhere…or something.

…

And, a few moments later, Vash, Billy Bob, and Joe found themselves standing by the recliners and sofas in the lounge area. There were six old people sitting in various chairs and things. Some were snoring, and some were awake. But all of them were equally wrinkly.

Vash just stood there as Joe walked up and began pointing to the old people sitting, sleeping, and drooling in the comfy chairs.

Joe started with the first chair on the left going to the right in his attempt to introduce his 'buddies', "That there's Old Man Jenkins…"

"…Old Man Johnson…"

"…Nan-Nan…"

"…Mam-Maw…"

"…Petunia…"

"… and Crazy Pete..."

Vash thought for a moment, looking at the old man in green relaxing in a recliner and said, "Why do they call him Crazy Pete?"

"Well," Joe began, "Because, his real name's Pete but he insists we call him Captain Picard…"

Crazy Pete suddenly stood up and yelled, "FULL POWER TO THE ENGINES!!!"

"Ay, ay Captain!" came a sarcastic voice on the other side off the room.

Vash and company turned to look at an old man in brown pajamas sitting in a corner by himself.

"Who is that?" Vash asked confused, "And why isn't _Crazy_ Pete in the _Crazy_ ward?"

"That guy way over there is Professor Pooty-Pants," Joe replied, "And Pete was deemed 'not-quite-crazy-enough' to be put in the Crazy Old Folk's Home."

"Oh…" Vash thought a moment and began, "Why is Profess—"

Joe cut him off, "You don't want to know."

…

…

Meanwhile, Knives was having a pleasant dream where Vash saw the error of his human-lovin' ways and joined his brother on an evil rampage of carnage and doom. Knives was smiling and laughing evilly in his mind when suddenly a loud noise brought him to a rude awakening.

His eyes opened, and before him sat a human—that just happened to be his Psychiatrist.

Knives eyes went wide in surprise.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the doctor said in a friendly monotone as he bent down to the floor, "I accidentally dropped my big heavy Psychology book on the floor, heheh…"

The psychiatrist sat back up straight in his desk and started straightening his papers. Then he happened to glance up at Knives. The doctor jumped suddenly, startled—his glasses slipped down his face as he did a double take.

The doctor had never quite seen such a sight—Knives was giving him the angriest death-glare-of-impending-doom that he had ever seen.

"…" The doctor gulped, "…My name is Dr. Smartzki…and I will be your psychiatrist…let's begin…"

…

…

Meanwhile, Vash was trying to have some sort of meaningful conversation with the old folks he was introduced to, but it was not going very well. There were all either half-blind, deaf, or senile, and some were all-of-the-above.

Mid-sentence, Vash was interrupted by his stomach rumbling.

"Ow…" Vash wined, "My tummy started rumbling and hurting…"

Billy Bob turned and patted Vash on the shoulder, "It's probably all that prune juice you drank…"

"Wha?" Vash questioned, not quite understanding, "Owww…"

Seconds later he was speeding off in the direction of the bathroom.

Paw-Paw Joe turned to Billy Bob and asked, "What's his problem?"

Suddenly a terrible cry was heard echoing from the bathroom.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Vash yelled, "There's no toilet paper in here!!!"

…

…

Will Milly find an 85 year old cat? Will Knives kill his psychiatrist? Will Vash have fun with his new old people friends? Has Vash learned his lesson regarding prune juice? Can Meryl rescue Vash from the Old Folk's Home?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Review! Please! Review! Thanks!

…

…


	8. Knives' Psycho Evaluation

…

…

Chapter 8

…

…

"Name?" Dr. Smartzki asked Knives while glancing at a piece of paper.

Silence echoed throughout the room.

The doctor looked up and saw that Knives was still glaring at him with _very_ angry eyes.

"How did these _insects_ capture me!?!" Knives thought in anger and confusion, "How _dare_ that creature speak to me!?! I cannot believe this _inferior_ life-form believes that its question warrants a reply from ME—_me_, a SUPERIOR _being_!!!"

"Name?" the psychiatrist repeated a little less sure of himself, as he noticed that his patient's eyes were narrowing at him. Knives was starting to creep him out.

"Sir, could you please just tell me your—" the doctor stopped suddenly to look at his hand which was slowly rising up from his desk on its own.

"Wha?" the doctor said confused. And then, his hand fell back to the desk again.

Dr. Smartzki's eyes went wide as his hand started moving upward again.

"AAAHhh!" Knives suddenly cried out in pain, and the doctor's hand fell back on the desk.

While the doctor took a moment to examine his hand curiously, Knives was silently cursing to himself in his mind.

"Curse my pain!" Knives screamed in his aching mind, "If it wasn't for this horrible headache I would have twisted that wretched human inside-out!!!"

The doctor looked back over at Knives who looked so mad that he could of sworn he was about to start foaming at the mouth.

"Okey, dokey, Mr. Knives," the doctor said in a calm monotone, "Do you think you can tell me your name, now?"

Silence.

Knives growled at him slightly and gave him another death-glare-of-impending-doom. "That insect—that _spider _does not even deserve a reply from me—the great and superior, Knives!!!" he thought as he stared down the doctor.

The doctor blinked slightly, "_Oookey_, doookey…"

"…could you tell me your…occupation?"

Silence.

"…how about the date…could you tell me what day it is?"

A cold glaring silence.

"Rrrrriiiight…" the doctor spoke slowly, "Um, nurse could you come here a moment."

Knives turned his head slightly just in time to see a very large burly nurse-man in a big white coat with a very large syringe. Knives tried to jerk away, but another huge guy came from behind to grab him and hold him still.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Knives yelled as they stabbed the needle into his arm.

"YOU!" Knives screamed madly at the doctor, "YOU GAVE ME A SHOT IN THE ARM!!!"

"There is nothing to worry about Mr. Knives," the psychiatrist said plainly, "I just had the nurse give you some medication to give you a nice calm feeling for the next twenty minutes or so…hopefully it'll loosen you up enough to answer our questions…"

"I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" Knives screamed, "I will kill oooooooo…Whoa…"

Knives' pupils became huge, "Wha?"

"I will k—maim you all!!!" Knives continued yelling at the doctor, he was feeling weirder by the moment.

The doctor watched in amazement.

"…I will mai—beat you…hurt you slightly…no—poke you with a pointy stick," Knives' voice had started breaking, "I shall sit on you and laugh maniacally…I will…I will…"

Within moments, the medicine had almost completely coursed through his system.

Knives smiled a crazy smile, "Let's sing a happy happy happy happy happy happy song…I know a _gooooooooooooood_ one. Bwa HA Ha ha…zzzzZZZZZzzzzz…"

The doctor could only stare at his patient before turning towards the nurse in a somewhat disdainful pose.

"…Perhaps…you gave him too much."

…

…

A few hours after what Vash came to remember only as the 'prune-juice-incident', he found himself lounging about in none other than the lounge area. He had just seated himself in a nice comfy green chair and was preparing to take a much needed nap. But, yet again, fate decided that he had not seen the last of his trials that day.

"Hello, _sugar_."

Vash looked to his left to see another recliner in which was seated a really short old wrinkly lady with a white fluffy afro. She had on triple thick purple-rimmed glasses, a pair of hot pink pajamas, and was wearing _way_ too much makeup.

"Uh…hello." Vash gulped. The old lady was scooting closer to him.

Vash grimaced as she reached out her arm that was bony and the skin was hanging off of it like a bat or something. She touched his head and started feeling and pulling on his beautiful golden spiky hair.

"My, _my_," the old lady said in a disturbingly sexy voice, "I _do_ believe that that is the _nicest_ toupee I have ever laid _eyes_ on."

"Hey!" Vash wined in an annoyed and insulted voice, as he tried to pry her fingers out of his hair.

But to his surprise, she took this opportunity to grab him by his left arm and pull him closer to her. Vash yelped in surprise.

She pulled him closer to her face and then began to speak, "I saw ya a little while ago running to the bathroom like that…You were so…_energetic_…"

Vash's eyes widened.

"…I _like_ that in a man!"

Vash panicked and tried to escape from her grasp, but he only succeeded in falling on the floor on his head with his legs bent underneath him. But, the old lady was still holding on to his hand real tight from the chair she was still sitting in.

As Vash scrambled to get back up and get away, the old lady smiled and cooed at him, "Oh! I love a man who's _flexible_."

"AHHH!" Vash hollered as he stood up and tried to pull his arm away from the old lady, but he wasn't sure what to do…if he tried to get away too fast, he might hurt her arm…or cause her to fall down…or—

"Come here, sugar!" The old lady called to him, making kissy lips.

"But, uh…um…" Vash was trying to figure a way out of this situation, "I don't even know you!"

"Yes you do," the old lady sounded a little insulted, "We were introduced a moment ago—I'm Petunia!"

Vash wined slightly as he desperately tried to pry Petunia's fingers off of his arm. He had a fleeting thought of just detaching his entire fake left arm…but no…that would probably give the poor old woman a heart attack—not to mention everybody else in the room.

Vash tried to think quickly, "I'm too _old_ for you!" Vash wined, "It would _never_ work out!"

"I don't mind, _honey_!" The old lady replied as she continued to grasp his arm.

"Guh! Uh! Ah!" Vash grunted as he finally pried the woman off of him, "Yea! I'm free!" He yelled as he sprinted off in some direction to hide.

"Poo." The old lady grunted as she put her hands on her hips, "That was the best chunk of man I've seen in these parts in 13 years."

…

…

A total of 19 minutes had passed since Knives had been injected with the strange medication. During that time he fell asleep, snored for a while, talked in his sleep, woke up, sang a song, threatened to give everyone hugs, and then—

"Why always the fighting…Can't we all just get along…" Knives said in a sing-song voice as he watched the doctor arguing with the nurse over the fact that the doctor believed that the nurse gave Knives a little bit of an overdose of medication.

Dr. Smartzki sighed as he sat back down in his chair.

"The twenty minutes are almost up," the doctor said plainly to the nurse, "The medicine is about to wear off…"

Knives smiled as he opened his mouth to say something but stopped.

Suddenly his high and happy land started to come crashing down, and Knives' mind—at least according to him—became crystal clear.

Knives blinked for a moment. All of what just happened came flooding into his memory. Anger began to fill his emotions, but then he stopped. His anger was what caused him to be silent, and his silence was what caused him to be shot with that…with that _stuff_.

"Hmmm…" Knives thought maniacally and cleverly, "If they continue to shoot me with that stuff, I shall be unable to destroy them…but if I play along…"

"…I can lull them in to a false sense of security," Knives smiled evilly.

The doctor looked over at Knives with a slightly worried look on his face. Knives had the strangest look on his face—like he was off in his own happy world of destruction and mayhem.

"Ahem," the psychiatrist cleared his throat nervously, "So…are you ready to answer the questions now?"

"Yes," Knives answered with a blank look of calm and evil plans on his face.

The doctor smiled, "Ok, name?"

"You shall refer to me as your Lord and Master." Knives said plainly.

The doctor raised an eyebrow and scribbled something on the page, "Okey, _dokey_…occupation?"

"I am the Exterminator of the pathetic insects known as humans." Knives said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Uh…huh…" the doctor said, blinking as he scribbled wildly with his pen, "So…can you tell me what day it is?"

Knives smiled evilly, "Today is the day that you die."

Dr. Smartzki could only gape at him.

And _this_ was Knives' idea of 'lulling them into a false sense of security'?!

"Nurse," the doctor said, "On second thought, perhaps you didn't give him _enough_."

…

…

What happened to Meryl and Milly? Is Vash doomed to be assaulted by more old ladies? What lies ahead in Knives' Psych-Evaluation?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Please give me reviews! For each chapter if you want!  
Thank you so much to my loyal readers & reviewers!  
I really appreciate it!

…

…


	9. The Name Game & Library Escape

…

…

Chapter 9

…

It was still over an hour until the library would open. Milly and Meryl could only sit and idle away their time. The room was filled with the sound of silence except for the occasional stomach rumblings of the two women. They had not had any breakfast, and it was nearly lunchtime.

Meryl was half-asleep leaning backwards in the chair while staring at the ceiling and trying to count the _infinitely-amusing_ ceiling tiles.

Milly was in the corner, perfecting her 'kitty-cat plan'. She was furiously scribbling on a piece of paper all the locations of nearby cat shelters and the like that she planned to check out as soon as they were freed from the library.

But then suddenly, Meryl heard a strange noise.

"Huh?" she said, straightening up in the chair. Meryl looked through the glass of the door window to see some middle aged guy in overalls with a mop.

Meryl gasped as she bolted to the door and yelled, "Hey! Sir! Can you let us out of here?"

Milly, noticing the situation also ran over to the door, "Yeah! Can you open this door?"

The man turned to look in their direction and sat his mop down against a chair, "Uh ma'ams," he said, "What yous a doings in theres? This here a library is a closed, ya hear?"

"Yes, we understand, sir," Meryl yelled through the glass, "But, we were locked in last night. Can you come over here and open this door?"

"Uh…" the man droned on as if deep in thought, "…no."

Meryl and Milly's eyes went wide in surprise.

"Why not?!" Meryl called out in annoyed tone.

"I was instructed to not be goin' and openin' doors a here during the closed a time," the man in overalls said, "The manage a ment said that they would be goin' and deducting my's pay if I be's pokin' arounds."

"WHAT?!" Meryl yelled, her temper getting the better of her, "But we're _trapped_ in here!"

"Yeah!" Milly called out with big tears welling up in her eyes, "We could _starve_ to death! I haven't eaten in _five_ hours! WAAAAAHHHhh!"

The man raised an eyebrow and blinked at Milly, taking a moment to remove his dusty hat and scratch his head.

Meryl opened her mouth to speak, but then she thought of something. She turned to look at Milly who had tears streaming down her face.

"Uh, Milly…" Meryl said somewhat confused, "Didn't you just eat the last pudding cup you bought yesterday like five _minutes _ago?"

Milly nudged Meryl in the arm and whirled around to whisper to her where the man outside would not see.

"Yeah, Meryl" Milly said cleverly as she turned her fake tears into a smile, "But, _he_ doesn't know that. We've got to hurry up and get him to let us out of here so we can go save Mr. Vash."

Milly winked at Meryl, and slowly she started to get the idea.

Meryl smiled and put her hands on her hips in a forceful and demanding position as she walked up closer to the glass window.

"Sir," Meryl said forcefully, "What is your name?"

"Uh…" the man said surprised, "My name's Jan. I'm Jan the Janitor."

"_Good_!" Meryl said, smiling cleverly and crossing her arms, "Your _employers_ will want to know who caused the Bernadeli Insurance Society to suddenly _cancel_ their insurance!"

"Wha?!" was the only comment that the surprised man could make as his eyes went wide.

"That's right!" Meryl yelled, striking a pose, "You are speaking to non-other than Meryl Strife and Milly Thompson of the Bernadeli Insurance Society!"

Meryl and Milly smiled thinking that the guy was sure to open the door now, but—

"Ha!" the man said as he grabbed his mop to go back to cleaning the floor, "Even if yous are whos yous is, my employers don't even need the insurance for this here library…nothing bad ever happens in _this_ town…they'd probably rewards me for saving them the cash! Ha!"

And then Meryl totally lost it.

"YAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!!" Meryl screamed at breaking point while shaking the door and its knob violently, "LET US OUT OF HERE _RIGHT_ NOW!"

Jan the Janitor only ignored her pleas and began to whistle as he walked away.

Milly, fearing for Meryl's blood-pressure, tried to think of some way to either calm her down or get themselves out of this situation. And suddenly, Milly smiled. She had an idea.

"Uh, Mr. Janitor?" Milly called out cupping her hand to her mouth in the hopes that her voice would not be drowned out by Meryl's sudden fit-of-rage, "If you don't let us out of here…we'll not _only_ cancel your insurance—"

The Janitor glanced back curiously.

"—We'll have _Vash the Stampede_ come and wreck up the place!"

Jan's eyes went really wide as he yelled, "VASH THE STAMPEDE?!?"

Milly grinned, "Yeah! _Vash_ the Stampede!"

Suddenly Milly grabbed Meryl and pushed her up closer to the window, "Yeah," Milly said nodding her head toward Meryl, "She's practically his _girlfriend_!"

"WHAT!?!" Meryl and the Janitor yelled at the same time. Meryl said it out of surprise and embarrassment. The Janitor said it out of fear for his life.

Meryl nudged Milly away with her arm, blushing, with a very annoyed look on her face. She narrowed her eyes at Milly, whispering, "Why did you have to go and say something like that! I'm not his girlfriend!"

Milly giggled and whispered back, "Yeah, Meryl…but I know you _want_ to be Mr. Vash's girlfriend!"

All the while Meryl and Milly were having their secret conversation, poor Mr. Jan the Janitor was turning paler and paler.

"Vash the Stampede?" he thought in his mind, "Oh! NO! The boss will kill me! Or worse…_fire_ me!"

The Janitor suddenly became very paranoid and ran and hid behind a nearby chair, shaking and scanning his eyes all over the room, "I wonder if he's… _watching me_?" he thought to himself in a frightened tone, thinking that _Vash the Stampede_ may suddenly jump out from under any book nearby.

Meryl and Milly smiled. Surely that guy would let them out _now_. But Milly just had to make _super_ sure.

"Ar…ar…are…you…ooo…oou," The man asked shaking, "…really V…V…Vash's girlfrrrrrrrriend?" the man said looking up from behind the chair.

Milly smiled, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder before blurting out, "She's practically his _wife_!"

Meryl's eyes went wide as her face turned red, "Milly!!!" she yelled, trying to put her hand over Milly's mouth.

But, the damage had been done.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh!" the Janitor yelled as he ran away in fear.

Luckily he tossed the keys to the library in the Insurance girl's general direction before he ran screaming out the door. And, the keys happened to slide right under the door.

Meryl instantly forgot her annoyances with Milly over her outbursts as she looked down at the keys that lay before her feet. Milly and Meryl smiled as they opened the door to the room they had been trapped in.

Before they left the library, Meryl was sure to take the law book with her, so she could read it elsewhere. She spent enough time in that library to last a lifetime.

As they walked into the light of the street, Meryl sighed happily. At least _that_ crazy ordeal was over.

They said their goodbyes for the day, and agreed to meet at the bar/eating place down the street later that night.

And so, Milly headed off to go find an 85 year old cat…and Meryl headed off to find lodging in which she could relax with some coffee and read that ridiculous law book.

But, unbeknownst to them, a crazed Janitor was spotted not long after that, sitting at a bar drinking _many many_ drinks, spilling the beans to a very wide eyed audience about Vash the Stampede's "wife" who was a midget woman with _fiery_ eyes that had looks that could kill, and…who would often threaten to cancel your _precious_ insurance!

…

…

Dr. Smartzki sighed as he looked over at Knives. It was a sigh of relief.

"Well, Mr. Knives," the doctor said in an almost cheery tone, "Our time is almost up for today, and—"

Knives cut him off, "Yes…your time _is_ up. Soon your entire species will be d—"

"Uh huh…" the doctor continued as he ignored Knives, "Well, we'll have to continue this line of discussion tomorrow. It is _very_ safe to say that you will be spending a _very_ long time with us at the Crazy Old Folk's Home, but I still need to have at least one more session with you so I can decide if you need to be put in solitary confinement or not—we don't want you _killing_ your roommates now do we?"

"Hmm?" Knives asked, blinking slightly with angry narrow eyes, "…the elephants?"

"Elephants?" the doctor pronounced very slowly, "What the—oh…never mind….I don't even want to know."

"But anyway," the psychiatrist continued, "I believe that that your first step in the healing process is changing your name."

"What?" Knives questioned, glaring at the doctor.

"The name 'Knives' is far too aggressive," the doctor said as he searched through the papers on his desk, "It only adds to your tendencies of rage and urges to slaughter or damage people."

Knives scowled at the man, he could not believe the puny human was talking to him in this way.

"And so," the doctor said plainly as he held up a piece of paper in front of Knives' face, "I have complied a list of nice 'Kn' or 'K' names that you can select your _new_ name from…"

Knives narrowed his eyes in anger as he began to read over the name list.

The paper with the suggested names looked a little something like this:

Knappy......Knube...... Korry...... Kupid...  
Knobby......Knoobe.....Kooties....King...  
Kninny........Knick........Kipper..... Kite...  
Knicky....... Knew....... Kannon.... Kowabunga...  
Knick-Nack... Know... Kirby....... Kawasaki...  
Knanny...........Knave... Karen....... Khan...  
Knilly............. Knight-Rider........... Kenshin  
Knyn-Com-Poop........................... Ken...  
Kookie........... Knock-Knock........ Kutie...  
Knumb-Knuts................................ Knumb-Chuck...... Kow...

"Well," smiled the doctor, "What do you think?"

…

…

Meanwhile, Vash was huffing and puffing as he ran down various corridors and twists and turns. He wanted to make _very_ sure that he was far, far away from any more old women that wanted to "attack" him.

He happened to see daylight down the hallway he was currently in and sprinted out the door and suddenly found himself on the outside porch lounge area.

Vash then took a moment to look off in the distance to see a very large fence encompassing the entire area of the Old Folk's Home. And then, he jumped slightly as he was surprised by a voice.

"Excuse me, young lady…would you mind spending some _special_ time with a poor old man?"

Vash whirled around to stare at the owner of the voice—a very old, thin, wrinkly man with scruffy white hair who was wearing dark black pajamas and glasses.

"Huh?" Vash said surprised, as he looked around in every direction for this _lady_ the old man spoke of, "What?" he said when he realized they were the only two people in sight.

"…are you talking to me?!?" Vash's voice squeaked at the implication.

…

…

What will happen if Meryl and Milly hear of the Janitor's rumors? How will Knives ultimately react to the name list? What is the deal with the old man that called Vash a woman?! Will Vash ever be rescued?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Review! Thanks!

…

…


	10. Kittys and Memories

…

Chapter 10

…

…

Vash turned and stared at the old man that had basically called him a woman.

The old man slowly turned his head toward Vash, the sun glaring off of his dark sunglasses.

"Oh! Sorry young man," the old man said in a slightly embarrassed tone as he rocked back and forth in his rocking-chair, "I had assumed you were my personal nurse, Ruby, since nobody else usually comes out here."

Vash sighed with relief. He was glad that he wasn't _really_ mistaken for a woman. And then, Vash thought, "young man?" he smiled on the inside, "I'm finally glad that somebody here recognized that I don't look _old_!"

"So…" the old man called out to Vash, patting the dusty rocking chair beside him, "Come have a seat! You sound kind of tired."

Vash decided that after all of his ordeals on this day, to try to relax a bit. So, he walked over and sat next to the old man in black pajamas.

Suddenly the old guy held his hand out to Vash.

"Hi, my name's Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako."

"What?" Vash said, taking a mental double take as he shook the man's hand.

"Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako." The old man repeated.

"Yeah, I heard it the first time," Vash managed to say wide-eyed.

Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako smiled and added, "But you can just call me Mike."

"Mike?" Vash repeated, rocking back and forth in his chair, "How do you get 'Mike' from Bushoukashieuh…um…yeah…huh…?"

"Well," the old man coughed slightly, "I usually go by my middle name, and Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako is my first name."

Vash looked very confused at this point. "So," Vash asked cautiously, "What is your middle name?" He was expecting something with 12 syllables at this point.

"Mikorett."

"Huh…" Vash stated in a thoughtful tone. This day just kept getting weirder and weirder.

Mikorett frowned slightly, his fuzzy white hair moving in the wind, "You think my name is weird don't you."

Vash cleared his throat in a nervous manner.

"My parents were on drugs." Mike stated flatly.

Vash thought this guy was somewhat off his rocker—so to speak—so he thought he would try to get out of this conversation quickly and make his way to lunch—if it could be called that.

"Um…" Vash began, scooting slowly towards the edge of the chair, "Um, Bushuoahuh…I mean Miko…uh…um…"

The old dude slapped Vash on the back affectionately and smiled.

"You can just call me BMW."

"BMW?" Vash repeated, "What does that mean."

"It's my initials…obviously," The tall old wrinkly man smiled, "My full name is—

—Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako Mikorett …Wolfwood."

Vash, blinking, could only stare at him.

"Wha…what…" Vash's mind fumbled, "You…you don't…you don't happen to known—I mean know…"

"Speak clearly boy!" the old man said.

"…do you know of a Nicholas D. Wolfwood!" Vash asked in a _very_ interested tone.

Vash's mind had suddenly been filled with mixed emotions. The mention of Wolfwood had brought up many memories both happy and sad. Vash thought back to the good times with Wolfwood—traveling on the bus, hanging with the insurance girls, and being happily mauled by children.

"Little Nickie?" BMW asked in a somewhat surprised tone, "You know little Nicholas?"

Vash smiled—somewhat sadly—and nodded.

"Why, he's my great grandson," BMW replied with a smile on his face, "And my _only_ living relative."

Vash twitched slightly.

"Oh, that brings back the memories," BMW began, "It seems like only yesterday that his parents spontaneously combusted and I had to take care of sweet little Nickie—"

"—…Sure I was 83, but I tried to take care of him the best I could before I got taken away here at age 85. Oh, this brings back the memories. I remember how it was so mysterious that my stash of cigarettes would always disappear during the couple of years I cared for him—"

Vash laughed knowingly.

"—I never _could_ figure that out…" The old man looked at the ceiling curiously.

Vash stared at him in disbelief.

"…And then later," BMW rubbed his chin with his hand in thought, "my antique gun collection disappeared…and then the children of the town seemed to be toting guns and developing bad smoking habits…Oh! And around that time, Nicholas somehow managed to get enough money to buy himself a motorcycle…although he was too small to ride it yet…"

Vash stared wide-eyed.

"…What strange coincidences." Mikorett said in a confused tone.

"Uh.._huh_…" Vash said slowly.

"But, eventually," Mikorett said, "Nicholas had to be put with a guardian after I was toted off to this place—and now I'm almost 100. But, I heard that that guardian man was _really_ nice."

Vash cocked an eyebrow. An awkward pause followed.

"So, tell me, stranger, since you know Nick," BMW began, "Do you think Nicholas takes after me any?" The old man smiled.

"Well," Vash replied, thinking carefully as he looked at Wolfwood's great grandfather, "I see that you enjoy wearing dark sunglasses just like him."

Mikorett's expression blanked, "…"

"…I'm blind." He said flatly.

…

…

Elsewhere, Milly was happily skipping towards the local cat shelter in hopes of executing her _brilliant_ kitty-cat plan.

She passed a pudding stand and stopped suddenly.

Milly smiled, "The nekos will have to wait a little longer."

And, not but a block down the street was the cat shelter she was heading to.

Down in the Kitty-Kat-Shack stood a single Manager, leaning his elbows lazily on the counter.

"If one more person brings a cat in here I'll—" the Manager grumbled disgruntledly.

"Meow…" voiced a kitty in the arms of a woman that suddenly walked in the door.

The Manager pretended to perk up as the customer entered, "How can I help you?"

The woman came in and sat the cat on the counter, "Yes, I want to turn in a stray cat."

"Uh, ma'am," the Manager wined, "This shelter is full, we can't handle any more cats."

"Deal with it." The woman huffed and walked off leaving the cat on the counter.

"Meow…" the cat purred as it stared at the Manager with its huge green eyes.

"Errr…" groaned the Manager smiling _creepily,_ at the kitty, "…looks like I'll have to make _another_ phone call."

The Manager takes a quick glance down the rows of filled cat cages just to make sure that there was no more room. He squinted his eyes as he counted each kitty.

"Yep." Was all he said in conclusion, as he reached for the gray phone on the front counter where the stray cat was still situated.

The Manager dialed a few numbers, and then it began to ring.

The person on the other end picks up.

"Is this Super Sal's Salmon Sandwich Hut? Yeah."

"Uh huh." The Manager sat down the phone a second and grabbed hold of the cat on the counter.

"Yes," he said holding up the kitty, "I _do_ have some of that special '_salmon'_ meat up for sale…yep."

The Manager then lifts the cat up and down, "…oh I'd say 8 pounds…?"

"Hmm…Yeah, I'll go half price…"

The cat looks at him, "Nyao."

"Ok! SOLD!" the Manager yelled as he hung up the phone and slapped his knee, "Yee haw…uh …Uh?"

The man turns around from hearing a noise to see Milly standing right in front of the counter finishing up a pudding cup and smiling obliviously.

…

…

Meanwhile, over in "crazy town" Knives was fuming over the name list and the suggestion that he had to change his name in the first place.

Even Dr. Smartzki looked a little worried at the expression that Knives was making.

Knives's silence was slowly starting to really creep out the doctor, so he decided to break the silence.

"How we break for today, and we can discuss changing your name at our next meeting." Dr. Smartzki smiled a fake smile.

Knives glared at him even worse.

"Oooookay…" the doctor began, sweat pouring down his face, "Since I think that you probably have some issues you need to work out before our next session…—"

"—How about I just schedule you an appointment this afternoon with our resident Psycho-Therapist Specialist?"

Knives frowned.

Dr. Smartzki smiled at him, then smiled at the nurses by the door.

"_Kindly_ sedate Mr. Knives and take him to the medical wing for his IV-drip lunch."

…

…

Meryl sat by the window of the 2nd story apartment watching passersby and sipping coffee. She looked over at her half-eaten lunch and the huge law book she had been thumbing through.

Meryl sighed as she was tired from reading and was taking a break.

But, then suddenly, she heard raised and frantic voices in the street.

"Did you hear the latest?"

"No, what!"

"Vash the Stampede turned out to be some geezer."

"What! Really!"

"Yeah, so they canceled all the bounties on him."

"Awe, man…"

"But, I hear that he had him a secret wife, some hott young thing."

"Whoa! Really!"

"Yeah, and they say she's just as fearsome as him."

"Whoa! What's her name?"

"She's being called Merry the Midget Maelstrom"

Meryl shot up. "Merry?" she thought, "_Merry_'s just a few letters off from… from… _Meryl_."

"And I hear that they are about to slap a 6_3_ billion reward on her…"

"!" Meryl spit her hot coffee straight out the window.

Unfortunately, her coffee happened to land on some random guy outside.

The poor man screamed in terror, clutching his backside, "Ah! My buns!"

…

…

Who else will Vash run into at the Old Folk's Home? Will Milly get her 85 year old cat? Will her plan fail, or rescue Vash? How will Knives' Psycho-Therapy go? Will Dr. Smartzki survive this? Will random guy ever recover from his coffee induced trauma?

All this and more, Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

In memory of poor Wolfwood.

Yes, Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako is made up of actual Japanese words, in case you care—6 words to be exact. I looked it up on a Japanese dictionary site thing. Yes it means something. Hehe. Review!

…

…


	11. Psycho Therapy

…

…

Chapter 11

…

…

A middle aged man sat in a chair in his office going over some of his patients' files. At this moment he was studying one curious file in particular. He had just been informed an hour ago that he would be receiving a new and _very_ psychotic patient who needed some _major_ therapy. He looked up over his glasses just as his new patient was wheeled in through the doorway.

Knives groggily woke up from his sedation to find himself once again strapped up to a metal chair in a doctor's office.

He blinked angrily and stared at his new doctor who had strange brown hair that was fluffy. Knives contemplated on the idea of escape and going on a killing rampage, but alas, he knew that if he did not at least try to "lull them all into a false sense of security", they would just shoot him up with sedatives and "happy happy" medicines again.

The Psycho-Therapist looked at Knives and smiled a huge smile that was so happy and blinding it could make grown men sick.

For a moment, the doctor glanced at Knives' file as if checking on something important before looking back at Knives and opening his mouth to speak.

"Are you a happy tree?"

"What?" Knives said in confusion.

"Are you a _happy_ tree?" the doctor said in a totally serious tone with a smile on his face.

"…the Hell?" Knives replied with wide-eyes and a raised eyebrow.

The Psycho-Therapist smiled and held up his folder and looked at the information again.

"Well, it's just that it said in your file that you're a plant so I wanted to know," the doctor began to speak in baby-talk, "Awr u a whappy twree?"

Knives scowled at him un-amused before stating, "I am _not_ that kind of—"

"But, anyway," the doctor cut him off, "My name is Dr. HappyPants…"

"…and I'm going to be your Psycho-Therapist."

Knives scowled at him and opened his mouth to speak, but Dr. HappyPants cut him off again.

"How was your lunch, Mr. Utensils?" the doctor said smiling and clasping his hands together in the air.

Knives growled angrily, "My NAME is Kni—"

"Of course I know what your name is," Dr. HappyPants continued, "but it's too violent—"

"—So, until you choose a new non-aggressive name, I will refer to you as Mr. Utensils."

Dr. HappyPants smiled at Knives, his teeth gleaming of happiness and nice things.

"# #& # &! #&! #&#! #!" Knives yelled with an enraged expression.

"Hmm…" Dr. HappyPants said curiously while still smiling, "I don't think _that's_ physically possible."

…

…

"Um…" the Kitty-Kat-Shack Manager was fumbling around for some words to explain what had been said on the phone to the customer standing before him.

"Hello." Milly said with a friendly smile.

The Manager blinked.

"I want a kitty." Milly said looking at the cat that the Manager was holding.

"Um…" the Manager said slowly, "…okay—"

"—What kind of cat do you want?"

"I need an 85 year old cat!" Milly said in a slightly more hurried voice.

"Huh?" the Manager looked very confused.

Milly saw his confusion and thought maybe a quick rephrasing of the question would help, "I mean in cat years—no human years; yeah a cat that is 85 in human years and stuff, yeah!"

Milly smiled as the Manager could only blink at her and stare.

"O…K…" the Manager wondered if this girl had all of her marbles, "…an 85 year old cat, huh?"

"Yep!" Milly said smiling.

"Hmm, let me get out my calculator." The Manager got out a pencil and pad and doodled a bit on it.

Milly fidgeted excitedly barely able to contain herself.

"Ok, ma'am," the Manager stated still somewhat lost, "I figure here that you're looking for a cat that is 12 or older, alright."

Milly nodded. That number seemed to make sense to her.

As the Manager walked over to find a cat from the cages he asked, "Why would you want such an old feline, anyway?"

"Um," Milly said slowly not really sure what to say. "I guess I'll have to make up something," she thought to herself.

"Um," Milly began again before speaking quickly non-stop, "My grandma is old and sick and stuff but she wants a cat as company but she will die soon and I don't want to take care of a kitty because I am poor and have no money to feed a kitty so I want a kitty that will die soon like my grandma?"

The Manager gazed at Milly wide-eyed, "Uh _huh_…" before going to get some cats to show Milly.

A few minutes later, the Manager came back with four cats in a cage.

"These are the only cats we got that are over 12 years of age," the Manager said as he sat the cage on the counter.

The man picked up a fluffy kitty and set it on the counter.

"This here is Shironeko," the Manager said holding up the cat to Milly, "What do you think?"

"Me..ow…oh…ow…" the frail kitty meowed, "Meo…cough…hack…cough…ow."

Several hairs flew off the hacking cat as it coughed.

Milly bit her lip slightly, "Um…how about a _different_ one?"

The Manager shrugged and reached in the cage and pulled out a different kitty.

"This here is a deformed, special-bargain cat, named Honooneko."

Milly looked at the cute kitty with _two_ fluffy tails and smiled, "How cute!"

"Nyao!" the kitty meowed before farting loudly.

"Eh…" The Manager grumbled as he fanned the air.

"How about a different one?" Milly said quickly trying not to breath.

"I think I'll just _skip_ Poo-neko and go straight to this one," the Manager said pulling out a black kitty with bright green eyes from the container.

Milly smiled and looked at the kitty on the counter.

"Meow," said Kuroneko gazing at Milly.

Milly clasped her hands together in excitement and said, "I'll take this one!"

"20 double dollars please." The Manager said.

Milly paid for her Kuroneko and hugged the kitty tightly.

…

…

"Ok, Mr. Utensils," Dr. HappyPants said gleefully, "Let's start our therapy session!"

Knives grumbled but decided to try to pretend to cooperate for now.

The doctor held up a card, "I'm going to show you a series of ink blot pictures and I want you to tell me what you see on them, ok?"

Knives grunted and looked at the card that had a picture on it that looked like a cat.

"A butterfly." Knives said flatly.

The doctor scribbled something down, "Okay" he said smiling before holding up another card.

"A spider." Knives said with disdain.

The doctor once again scribbled on the paper and held up more cards for Knives.

"Two butterflies." Knives said.

"A butterfly eating a spider's brains."

The doctor raised an eyebrow.

"A spider being killed maliciously by a shoe!"

"A spider having its legs ripped off!"

"A puny human being mauled by a pack of butterflies."

The doctor began flipping over the cards to look at them curiously before scribbling on the page.

The doctor held up a card that looked like a Thomas.

Knives squinted at it before saying, "Vash suffering eternally and painfully!"

"Hmm…" The Psycho-Therapist said with interest before holding up the last card.

Knives looked at it for a moment in thought.

"…Legato."

Dr. HappyPants flipped the card over to look at it before opening his mouth to speak to Knives.

"I always thought it looked like a toucan to _me_." The doctor stated thoughtfully.

Knives rolled his eyes at the doctor, "Hmph."

"Anyway," the doctor said smiling, "I think we've found out a good issue of yours to talk about from this little exercise."

Knives glared at the human un-amused.

"Tell me about your brother Vash." Dr. HappyPants said whipping out a fresh scribbling pad.

…

…

Vash's sneeze broke the awkward silence out on the porch.

"God bless you!" BMW laughed.

"Thanks," Vash said right before his stomach started rumbling.

"Let's go eat lunch, stranger!" the old man said enthusiastically.

Vash grimaced at the thought of eating a second donut-free meal.

Vash sniffled as he and the old, blind man in sunglasses walked to the cafeteria.

…

…

Meryl stared out of her window with a strange expression of embarrassment and guilt on her face as she watched the poor random man flailing in the street.

"Ah HAH ha AHHHHH!" the coffee stained man yelled in pain.

Meryl tried to act nonchalant and quickly scooted out of view from the window as several people gathered around the man clutching his buttocks, asking him if his ass was going to live.

…

…

What will Knives say about Vash to Dr. HappyPants? Will Milly's plan actually work? Will Meryl ever finish reading the law book? Will Vash survive lunch? Will Knives agree to change his name?

All this and more, Next Time!

…

…

To be Continued

…

…

Review! Please!

Thanks! Yeah!

…

…


	12. Flashback Fun

…

…

Chapter 12

…

The Psycho-Therapist looked at Knives, who was at the moment sneering at him.

"Come on, now…" the doctor began in a calm and soothing melodic tone, "Tell me about your twin brother named Vash"

"Vash! Vash?" Knives growled with disdain, "That _damn_ traitor to his own species!"

"Now, now," said Dr. HappyPants smiling widely, "Let's not use our _angry_ voice indoors…"

"I'll _angry-voice_ YOU!" Knives flailed slightly, shifting in his seat—his leather straps squeaking under the stress.

"Relax a bit, Mr. Utensils," the doctor said in a slightly drugged-out hippy-y voice, "Or else the nice nurse men over their will have to get you some nice mood altering _medicine_."

"Hmph." Knives complained as he became still once again.

"So," Dr. HappyPants voiced probatively, "Tell me why you consider Vash a 'traitor' to _your_ species." The doctor made some quote-signs in the air with his fingers as he mentioned "species."

"Well," Knives began in an annoyed tone, "He chose the #&!# #! humans over me! _Me_!"

The doctor began scribbling on his paper, "So?"

"So! _So_!" Knives glared angrily, "He cavorts with the _insects_ that live off the suffering of our brethren!"

"Oh," Dr. HappyPants said in realization as he glanced at Knives' file again, "You mean the nice Plants that live in the lightbulbs…"

"They are _not_ lightbulbs!"

"Well, they look like lightbulbs." The doctor smiled at Knives again.

'Mr. Utensils' had had enough of Dr. HappyPants' comments.

Knives narrowed his eyes and looked strait into the eyes of Dr. HappyPants, "First, I will kill _you_, then the rest of you _psychiatrists_, then I shall move on to the nurses, the idiots, the drunk, and the infirm—slaughter the rich, the poor, the dumb, and the _stupid_…and THEN, I shall keep Vash for _myself_ for the rest of _our_ eternity and make sure that he suffers eternally and painfully for his trespasses until the stars themselves fall out of the sky and knock us unconscious!"

The Psycho-Therapist blinked slightly, "That's nice." The doctor said in all seriousness smiling from ear to ear.

Knives was taken slightly dumbfounded, "NO, that's _not_ NICE, you _stupid_ mortal!"

"So why do it?" the doctor asked softly.

Knives thought for a moment. "Because Vash deserves it."

"Why?"

"Because he ignored his own flesh and blood..."

"Is that all?"

"Plus he shot me in the leg!" Knives grimaced at the thought, "Pointed his angel-arm at me, shot me in July, and everything else he has done!"

"And why would Vash do that?"

Knives grumbled.

Dr. HappyPants looked over at Knives' file again.

"Why did you shoot Vash's arm off and take it away?"

"Ha ha!" Knives laughed, "He deserved that alright!"

"That's nice," The doctor began with a somewhat confused smiled on his face.

Knives smiled evilly at the doctor, trying to think of more ways for Vash to suffer eternally and painfully—since the doctor _had_ brought up the subject.

The Psycho-Therapist blinked and thought for a moment, "What _did_ you _do_ with Vash's arm after you shot it off?"

A frightening look came across Knives face and he began to laugh maniacally as he remembered _exactly_ what he did with Vash's left arm.

The world around him went blurred as the light of the memory shined in—time for a flashback.

…

…

Knives hobbled through the dusty desert toting Vash's severed arm on his way back to his evil lair place that is out in the desert who knows where.

He found the front door and entered, plopped Vash's arm on the metal table and took a seat in a chair.

Knives' legs were charred from the July incident and Vash's angel arm.

"Hmmm," Knives thought, "I need to go regenerate and heal my legs…I'm going to need a evil minion to watch the place, take care of me, and carry out evil deeds until I am fully well.

"Hmmm," Knives said as he hobbled over to the bookcase and pulled out 'Evil Minions for Dummies.'

"Ah," Knives said as he flipped through 'Evil Minions for Dummies' and found what he was looking for:

Knives read off of the page, "Evil Minion Leader of Evil Group of Assassins Ingredients—"

As he began to read the instructions he got out some needed materials.

Knives found a little flower pot in the corner. He filled it with some handy potting-soil and then stuck the base of Vash's arm in the pot so that it looked like a cute little arm-tree.

For a moment, Knives left the flower pot with the arm hanging out of it to go find some more materials from his evil lair spaceship place thingy.

"Let's see," Knives read from the page, "I need 3 parts water, 4 parts blood, 2 parts hair, and 1 part vegetable and mineral."

"Ok," Knives thought.

For the vegetable, he tossed in some lettuce, for the mineral he tossed some gold into the pot with the hand tree sticking out of it.

As Knives looked through the cabinet he only found 2 parts water, but he needed 3.

Knives scanned the cabinet to find the closest thing to water.

"Hmm, this will do." And then he tossed in some blue hair dye.

"Now for some hair," Knives said looking around. He did not want to pull out his own glorious and superior locks of hair, so he found an unsuspecting cat in the corner.

"Nyao?" the neko said questioningly as Knives drew menacingly closer.

"NYAO!" the kuroneko screamed as Knives shook it over the flower pot by its tail so that its hair fell into it.

"Ok," Knives said, "Now to find some blood."

Knives looked and looked throughout his evil layer and did not happen to find any blood laying around, until—

Ding dong.

Knives opened the front door.

"Pizza delivery?" a frightened human said.

Knives smiled evilly.

Yeah.

And so then, after the pizza guy's blood had been completely squeezed into the flower pot, Knives consulted the 'Evil Minions for Dummies' book once again.

"Finally," Knives read from the page, "Pour an alcohol of your choice over the final product, and christen your brand new evil minion with a name. Your evil minion will be ready to go out and complete evil deeds within 4 to 6 weeks."

And it was so.

Knives looked upon the flower pot and spoke-ith.

"Minion made of LEttuce, Gold, kitty cAT, and pizza man blOod—"

"—You shall be my minion #1, and I name-ith you LEGATO!"

…

…

"Bwa HA Ha ha!" Knives chuckled during his stroll down memory lane.

"Uh huh…" Dr. HappyPants said quizzically, "Let's move on to a different discussion."

It was then that the doctor pulled out an all too familiar list to Knives.

Knives looked at it in grave annoyance.

"…Have you picked a new name yet, Mr. Utensil?" the Therapist asked smiling.

Knives made angry-eyebrows at the man.

"Don't see any you like? Hmm?" the doctor continued, "How about a few _new_ names I came up with?"

The angry Plant ignored the doctor.

"How about Kupcake?" the doctor said with an optimistic smile, "Or Kat? Kuroneko? Kitty, or Kadillac?"

Knives frowned.

"Or even Komany, Kapilatist, Kit-Kat, or Koward?"

Knives frowned and narrowed his eyes.

"No?" the doctor said as though he were talking to a child, "How about I choose one for you?"

"Do you delight in my torture?" Knives managed to say in somewhat a sarcastic manner.

But, the Psycho-Therapist ignored him, "What do think about the name—"

"—Ken? I think it would suit you very well." The doctor said in friendly contemplation.

"Ken?" that name struck a strange cord within his mind.

"KEN?" unfortunately it was not a favorable cord. Something in Knives mind took him back many years ago to a place he had heard that name before.

The world around him went blurred as the light of the memory shined in—time for a flashback.

…

…

"Vash? Vash! Where are you?" a young boy with long blonde hair yelled out as he navigated the many corridors of the spaceship.

As he passed one of the many rooms he stopped. He heard…_giggling _inside?

The young boy was slightly confused as he opened the door and said, "Vash, is that you?"

He was dumbstruck by what he saw.

Knives looked in the room to see Vash sitting on the floor giggling like a little girl and playing with what looked like a miniature tea set, and 2 female dolls.

"Heeeheee hee!" Vash shouted with glee as he held up the two dolls in the air, making kissy kissy noises.

"Vash," Knives said in wonder as he entered the room and sat down, "What _are_ you doing?"

Vash smiled at his brother and said with a smile, "Rem went and got out some antique toys for me that I could play with."

He held up one doll, "This is Spaceship Captain Barbie, and this," Vash said holding up the other doll, "is Chain Smoker Barbie."

"Hmm," Knives raised an eyebrow at his brother, somewhat perplexed.

"Play with me, Knives!" Vash wined excitedly, "It's fun!"

"Dear, dear brother," Knives said, shaking his head, "We are far too intelligent and superior creatures to be playing with—"

Vash interrupted Knives' train of thought with "Zoom" "Pow" and "KurSplat" noises he began making as he made the Barbies fly through the air like warring fighter planes.

"Pow, Pow!" Vash giggled as he made one Barbie swoop down at the other, "Do dodo dodo dodo la la la." He even began to add his own soundtrack.

"Ugh." Knives rolled his eyes, "The least you could do is play with that male doll in the box over there."

Vash stopped what he was doing—Barbies in midair and all—and turned his head 'round to look at the colorful box labeled "Ken."

Vash's eyes went wide like saucers, "No, nonono…." Vash said shakily while shaking his head, "We can't play with Ken! Ken is _sick_!"

Knives sighed and put his hands on his hips and decided to humor Vash, "What is wrong with Ken?"

Vash picked Ken up out of the box and held him up in front of Knives. Knives was looking quizzically at Ken when Vash suddenly pulled down Ken's shorts.

"AH!" Knives yelled aghast.

"See!" Vash started crying, "Wahhh! Ken's lost his _wee wee_!"

Knives fell to the floor wide eyed.

Vash managed to quickly cover Ken back up and hurriedly toss him into the box, but it was too late—Knives was scarred for life.

Vash sniffled, and Knives sat in the floor clutching himself to make sure that he hadn't lost his _wee wee_ too.

…

…

Knives' eye twitched as he looked angrily at the doctor, "Ken? KEN?"

"How _dare_ you…" Knives continued, "How _dare_ you suggest that I choose the _same_ name as Barbie's _damn_ genitalia-challenged boyfriend!"

The doctor blinked.

"O…K…" the doctor managed to say after that sunk in, "How about, Ken…shin?"

"Hmmm" Knives thought as he contemplated his next words.

"So, you think I should choose Kenshin, then?" Knives asked slyly.

While the doctor contemplated his next response, Knives was deep in thought. "_How_ can I turn this situation around to benefit me, I wonder." Suddenly a voice from within his mind reminded him, "_Eternal pain and suffering…eternal pain and suffering_…"

"Yes," The doctor replied to Knives, "I think it's a great name."

By then, Knives had come up with a plan.

"Puny, mortal," Knives began, "I will change my name to this Kenshin…"

"…if…and only if…you meet my _one_ and _only_ demand."

The doctor adjusted his glasses and looked at Knives, "And what demand would that be?"

Knives smiled a pure and evil smile, "Human, hand me your primitive note taking item—"

"—I have a list of my _own_ to make."

…

…

Meanwhile, Vash sat at a table in the lunch room, poking his food with an eating utensil since what was on his plate appeared like it might spring to life at any moment.

Across from him sat the strange old dude name Mikorett, who was unaware that he was eating his napkin.

Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom.

"Attention. Attention," came the voice of a nurse, "Will a Mr. Vash Stampede come immediately to Dr. Brainstern's office. Repeat. I Repeat. Mr. Vash, you are wanted immediately in Dr. Brainstern's office."

Vash looked around a bit surprised before heading off in the direction of his psychiatrist's office.

Unbeknownst to Vash, Dr. Brainstern was at this moment going over two very interesting files by both a Dr. Smartzki and Dr. HappyPants.

One file had within it a strange list—signed at the bottom:

_Knives_.

…

…

What list did Knives make, and what does it have to do with Vash? What all are Milly and Meryl up to?

All this and more, Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Reviews, Reviews, I love them.

Reviews, Reviews, I need them.

Reviews, they make me happy.

Thanks, O great Reviewers!

…

…


	13. Ironically Unlucky

…

…

Chapter 13

…

…

Vash walked very slowly into Dr. Brainstern's office. He cautiously sat in the cold metal chair—minus any leather straps and straight jackets thankfully.

The door shut behind him, and Vash turned and smiled nervously at his psychiatrist.

"Hello, Mr. Stampede," the doctor said scribbling on some file that was currently on his desk.

Vash scanned the room with his eyes before looking at the doctor.

"Um, what am I doing here?" Vash asked.

"Well," Dr. Brainstern replied holding up a piece of paper, "Something has come up."

"What?"

"Well, you see…" the doctor began, "…Knives has been told to change his name as a first step to mental recovery…"

Vash shook his head and solemnly spoke, "Knives…he would never go along with such a thing…I'm surprised he hasn't injured anyone yet."

"But, he _did_."

"What?"

"Agree to it."

"Huh?" Vash was very surprised.

"But, there were some," the doctor began very slowly in a dark tone, "…_conditions_."

Vash blinked.

"And that's why _you_ were called here."

"Hmm?"

The doctor handed Vash the list that Knives himself had made.

Vash scanned the list quizzically.

Dr. Brainstern sighed, "Knives agreed to take a non-violent name if you…if you…"

"If I what?" Vash questioned.

"…changed your name to one on that list that he made." The doctor said quickly.

"WHAT?" Vash was really confused at this point.

Vash looked down at the list, narrowing his eyes, and growled, "_Knives_."

Vash began to read the list aloud. There were two columns—one of V names and one of miscellaneous names.

He made a strange face as he looked at the names and read, "Van?...Vaca?...Vegetable?...huh?"

"…Voluptuous…Volcano…Venus? …Vulcan?"

"…Voob…Vooby…and Vicious?" Vash raised an eyebrow.

"Voracious? Viscous?...and Valerie! What the…"

"Vagin—I cannot believe this!" Vash looked at the other column.

"…DesertSpoon? …PocketKnife? …PointyStick!"

"Sporkhead? …Forkferbrains?"

"UtensilyChallenged? …Killer? …Ihatespiders?"

"…Butterfly? …Sissywimp …Braindamaged!" Vash frowned.

"…Loveandpeaceisforidots! …Dudewheresmyarm?"

"…Genocide! …Staccato? Huh?"

Vash was very un-amused as he was tempted to crumble up the paper then and there.

"You…He…You can't be serious." Vash said to the doctor.

Dr. Brainstern nodded. Vash shook his head

"I _refuse_ to give in to his little game." Vash stood up in a determined pose.

The doctor looked worried.

Vash looked at the doctor straight in the eye and said, "Let me talk to him myself."

"…I can arrange that," replied the doctor reluctantly.

…

…

Milly skipped merrily down the road with her Kuroneko in hand.

"Nyao?" the Kuroneko questioned.

Milly giggled at the old kitty and hugged him tightly.

"Nyao!"

"See, kitty?" Milly said to the neko, pointing down the road, "We're almost there! There it is down the street—the Mayor's office."

"Nyao?"

"Yeah!" Milly smiled, "That's why we took that really long bus ride to get here."

"Nyao…" the kitty meowed sadly.

"Aww…" Milly smiled sympathetically, "I've already told you several times how sorry I am for using you as a _pillow_ on the bus."

"Nyao…ow…" the neko did not want to be reminded of that.

Suddenly, Milly and the 85 year old cat found themselves standing in front of the mayor's office—the same major from the same little town where all of this began. It was where Milly struck water in the well, where Meryl first sighted Vash and Knives in the distant, and where the Old Folk's Home bus—with it's nicely barred windows—took Vash away to his own hellish donut-free nightmare.

Milly busted through the doors dramatically, setting the cat on the Mayor's desk.

This was all quite a shock for the Mayor—so much so that he nearly swallowed the cigar that he was smoking.

"Gack!" the Mayor exclaimed as he fell over backwards in his chair—his feet had been perilously perched on the desk.

"Huh?" the Mayor reiterated his confusion as he picked himself back up and tried to get settled back in his desk.

He looked up to see Milly smiling at him, and a kitty cat licking its butt on his desk.

"Oh, it's _you_ again." The Mayor said as he propped his feet up on his desk once again.

"Meow?"

"Why is there a cat on my desk!"

Milly smirked and went into her super-fast-talk mode, "Well, I am here to have you free Mr. Vash from the Old Folk's Home cause he isn't supposed to be there because he is not human and doesn't look old and the Old Folk's Home is supposed to be only for old people who are old and—"

Milly took a quick breath.

The Mayor blinked.

"—and so I brought this cat to you who is older than 85 in people years and so therefore since the cat is also a non-human life form like Mr. Vash you would have to, by your same reasoning for putting non-human Mr. Vash, put this Kuroneko into the Old Folk's Home also—"

Milly took a breath.

The Mayor opened his mouth to speak thinking that Milly was finished but—

"—and since it would be silly to put a cat in a home for people, you won't put him in there and since Mr. Vash is not a human just like the kitty is not a human, you will by your own folly have to free Mr. Vash right away—"

The Mayor gaped at Milly.

"—so do it!" Milly put her hands on her hips and glared at the Mayor who was _completely_ lost at this point.

The Mayor took a moment to re-compose himself.

Blinking, the Mayor asked, "I _know_ I am going to _regret_ this, but can you _repeat_ that?"

…

…

The screaming had subsided outside. Finally. Meryl took this for a good sign.

Of course she didn't know that eventually, even the coffee-burned man would blame the imaginary wife of Vash the Stampede, _Merry _theMidget_ Maelstrom_, for having to get a _butt_ transplant.

And so, Meryl finally settled down once again to read the law regarding old people and the Old Folk's Home in the huge volume she borrowed from the library titled 'Early Laws of Gunsmoke vol. 7'.

She had skimmed a few lines before discovering something terrible.

"Oh, no..." Meryl said as she looked at the page, "This won't work at all! The wording….the _wording_!"

Meryl ran her finger down the page, "I've got to tell Milly!"

…

…

Milly smiled. She thought she had this all figured out. The Mayor's mind was just now processing what she had said a _second_ time.

The Mayor suddenly smiled. Milly looked at him confused—he shouldn't _be_ smiling at this point.

"Young, lady," the Mayor began smugly, "Answer me this: What does Vash the Stampede have in common with a simple neko that he does not have in common with a human?"

Milly blinked, and her face faded from an expression of excited triumph to an expression of deep contemplation.

"Um," Milly began, "Mr. Vash and the Kuroneko are both over 85 years old, and—"

"But," the Mayor cut her off, smiling with a hint of evil, "Our fellow humans at the Old Folk's home are also over 85."

Milly was speechless.

"Can't come up with a reply?" The Mayor said, "Think. If Vash is not human, he must be a lower form of life, like the cat—as your argument suggests. What could Vash have in common with a cat? Or a Thomas for that matter?"

Milly shrugged, confusedly.

The Mayor smiled slyly, "Here," the Mayor held up the neko to Milly, "Can you tell me if that cat is a boy cat or a girl cat?"

Milly held the kitty _without_ examining it, "Kuroneko is a boy cat. That's what the shelter said."

"Prove it."

"Meow?"

Milly flipped the cat over, backwards, up and down, and left and right.

"Nyao!"

Milly was quite confused.

"And?" the Mayor added.

Milly made a face, "I can't seem to find—"

"Exactly," The Mayor smiled knowingly, "All cats and domesticated Thomas's are spayed, neutered and/or castrated to control their populations."

"Nyao..ooo…" the kitty meowed sadly.

Milly frowned—she was starting to get the idea of where this conversation was going.

"That kind of thing is _not_ done to _people_, only non-human _animals_…" the Mayor began, "And so…"

Milly gulped, "To get Mr. Vash out of the Old Folk's Home—"

"—You want us to have him _neutered_!"

…

…

Vash walked back to lunch from Dr. Brainstern's office.

He was strolling through the lounge area adjacent to the cafeteria when he spotted something peculiar.

Vash looked, rubbed his eyes and did a double take.

Standing amidst a group of old geezers was young woman with flowing blonde curly hair.

Vash blinked in shock before running over to her.

Little hearts appeared in Vash's eyes.

"Excuse me, beautiful lady," Vash said as he walked up to the girl that looked to be 20-something, "You wouldn't happen to be a foxy Plant woman who has also been imprisoned in this place against your will, would you?"

"Plant?" The woman scoffed at Vash, "That has _got_ to be the _corniest_ pick-up line I have heard in my life."

The woman frowned at him, "I bet that next you were going to say that I'm a luscious _rose_ or something stupid like that."

Vash sighed and shrugged.

Then Vash suddenly thought of something as the woman turned to walk away.

"Wait," Vash asked, "Why are _you_ here? You're not 85 or older."

"Duh! Genius!" the woman said, "I'm here visiting my grandpa."

"WHAT?" Vash exclaimed, "You can get _visitors_ here?"

Vash fell to his knees and cried out, "Why haven't the Insurance girls come to visit me?"

…

…

There must be another way, Milly thought. There must be another way.

…

…

Meryl picked up the book, double-checked it and ran out the door. She had to discuss this with Milly.

…

…

Knives smiled an evil smile as he was wheeled back to his room, numbered 666. He hoped that Vash would pick the name he liked the best. Knives would love to be able to look at Vash and call him _Vicious_.

…

…

Will Vash and Knives have an interesting conversation? What did the book say that Meryl read? Has Milly's kitty plan truly failed? Or will Vash and Knives end up like poor Ken?

Find out Next Time?

…

…

To Be Continued…

…

…

It is the story that goes on and on my friends, it might be a month or two before I update again. Sorry :)

…

…


	14. Delusions of Grandeur

...He stood determined.

Scanning the slick floor before him, he checked his _gear_ that was tied to his feet. Surely he would make it this time, he thought. But was he brave enough to scale the wall?

After all, the cookie jar was on a very high shelf.

The toddler was about to begin his discreet slide across the kitchen floor, when he was suddenly distracted by his brother, who was in the corner of the room scratching himself as best he could, as though he had ants in his pants or something.

"Brother!" the little boy with blonde hair yelled at the itchy boy, "Will you stop scratching yourself so loudly? She'll catch us!"

The other blonde toddler stopped scratching himself long enough for tears to well up in his eyes, "But, bwother…I…it…cha…sniffle…sniffle."

"Ugh," the non-itchy blonde scoffed, "We've been alive for 10 days and you've already managed to make an idiot of your self."

His brother began crying, but then stopped curiously. "Bwother…." He began, "Why hav u got thoos _things_ tyed to yo ur feet?"

"Because," the brother with better pronunciation said, "I have to have something sharp to climb the kitchen _wall_ with! You _do_ want those cookies don't you?"

The toddler with red itchy skin nodded excitedly.

"Here goes…" the boy began as he leapt onto the kitchen tiles…and was caught from behind.

"NOooooo…" he wined as he flayed wildly.

His brother stopped itching momentarily to call out affectionately, "Remmy!"

Rem chuckled as she watched the poor boy scratch himself, "Awe honey, I've told you that my name is Rem and not Remmy." She giggled.

"Remmy!" He called out once again from the floor. "Ow!" He began scratching himself again.

"Poor baby," Rem called out, "It looks like you have a _rash_…"

"Vrwash?" the little boy attempted to repeat the unfamiliar word.

"Rash…" Rem corrected him.

"Vwash?"

"Vash?" Rem questioned, "Hehe…" she giggled at his attempts at speech, before turning to the unruly brother in her arms.

"What _do_ you have on your feet, honey?" Rem glanced at the blonde's feet.

He had multiple _knives_ tied to each foot, to make for good sliding and easy climbing.

Rem thought for a moment. She glanced at his feet, and then up at the cookie jar.

"Wow…" Rem smiled, "You both are so smart…you should have names."

The boys looked at her quizzically.

"And a cookie."

They cheered.

Rem sighed as she went to get the cookies, "I wanted to name you boys _Love_ and _Peace_, but I think Vash and Knives will do nicely." She smiled.

Vash ran to Knives and hugged him, "Bwother! We get named, yay uh!"

Knives grimaced.

He started itching too.

…

Poke poke poke….

…

Chapter 14

…

…

"I wanna cookie…SNORE…"

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Knives stirred.

Poke poke…

Knives awoke from his dream of century old events to find his roommate, the crazy old man Napoleon, poking him.

Knives shifted slightly in his leather straps that secured him to the bed. He looked at his roommate and frowned.

"Why are you poking me?"

Napoleon though about this question for a good 25 minutes before answering,

"Why not?"

"Why not what!"

"…poke you?"

"Argh!" Knives shifted and growled at the wrinkled man.

Knives was not in the mood to speak to these strange lower creatures that he had to share a room with. He needed some time to himself to scheme and plan a way out of the Old Folk's Home. Knives decided that he needed to distract Napoleon somehow.

"Hmmm…" Knives thought, "Perhaps I can confuse _it_ with some telepathy."

'_Ahem_,' Knives projected to Napoleons mind.

'_Hmmm_?' Napoleon thought back, '_Is that you? Is that you, Gerald_?'

'_Gerald_?' Knives questioned.

'_It is you_!' Napoleon smiled, '_My imaginary friend, Gerald_.'

'_O…k…_' Knives was somewhat weird-ed out. He did not even think that was possible.

'_What do you command of me, Gerald_?'

'_Move away from the superior plant being, you puny elephant_'

'_I moved away…but I'm no elephant…I'm a human_…' Napoleon obeyed somewhat confusedly.

'_WHAT! I should kill you now_!'

'_So, Gerald…you want me to kill myself_?"

'_No. I want to have the pleasure of killing you with my bare hands_.'

'_If you say so, Gerald. You seem a bit tense today_.'

'_Now walk over to the wall and bang your head against it until you knock yourself unconscious_.'

Dumpy, aka "God" was suddenly awoken from his nap by a strange banging sound. He looked over at the wall to see Napoleon counting while banging his head against the wall.

"22…23…24…25…47…2…53…815…26…2……2…oooo…"

"…"

Dumpy then glanced over at Knives to see him smiling…widely.

"Ah…" Knives sighed triumphantly, "…silence."

…

…

Milly left the mayors office in a hurry.

She hugged her kitty tightly but sadly.

Her plan had failed.

She looked down the desert road, off into the distance.

She knew where she had to go. Milly had to go find Meryl.

"Hopefully Meryl can save the day…" Milly said with hope as she walked over to the bus station to get two tickets—

"One adult and one kitty, please."

Milly smiled as she waited at the bus stop. But she took a double take when she saw a strange poster.

"Wanted, Merry the Maelstrom. 63 billion double dollars?"

Milly looked closer.

"Wanted for destruction of library…insurance fraud…extortion…class D property damage…harboring Vash the Stampede…and coffee arson of person or persons' buttocks?"

Milly went wide eyed.

The drawing looked kind of like Meryl…

…

…

Meanwhile, Meryl was walking down the road on her way to get some food.

She had a layover until she could get on the next bus that would take her to the town she hoped to find Milly in.

Suddenly she heard a ruckus at a restaurant she was passing by.

"I swear I didn't do it!" A man yelled as he was being taken into custody by several law enforcement people.

"Meow!" A thousand cats yelled in succession as they were released from the back door of the restaurant—the back door that led to the _kitchen_.

Meryl cocked an eyebrow as she read the sign.

"Super Sal's Salmon Sandwich Hut."

Busted.

…

…

Vash hummed and twiddled his thumbs as he headed back over to the cafeteria to contemplate what he would say to Knives when he has to see him later in the day.

Suddenly he heard over the loud speaker, "This is a reminder. TONIGHT is BINGO night! Don't forget to come and play…"

Vash scoffed as he sat down in a nearby chair.

"…And remember, every BINGO month celebration, we employ special use of tasty edible tokens for each player to use on their bingo board."

Vash snorted unenthusiastically.

"This month's token will be…"

Super Dramatic Pause.

"…donut holes."

Vash froze.

He froze and froze and froze.

His eyes went wider than I don't know what.

"AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEeeeeeiiiiiiiiiIIIII!" He jumped up and screamed enthusiastically, scarring half the residents to death, and causing several heart attacks.

Don't worry, they lived.

Vash in his elation went and hugged a column. "Soooooo Happyyyyy…."

And the Hallelujah chorus played in Vash's head.

But then…

"Oh, wait…" the announcer said, "Scratch that, donut holes were last month. This month is chilled Thomas liver chunks."

"Enjoy!"

Vash was speechless.

He collapsed into a heap and tears gushed out of his face like waterfalls.

"nnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

…

…

Now that his roommates were otherwise _indisposed_, Knives had some time to contemplate his current situation.

'_Let's see…All is going according to the plan so far…_

_Surely Vash in his **stupidity** took the bait…I cannot **believe** that that stupid human therapist actually **believed** that **I** would ever agree to altering **my** name. A name that is the symbol of my **great** intelligence…_

_In great contrast to **Vash**…who had a rash…_

_Bwa Ha ha! …I am a **genius**…_

_If Vash does actually agree to change his name to one on my **glorious** and **malevolent** list, he will surely **suffer** eternally and painfully due to the ridicule from **any** who encounter it…._

_…And if he refused…_

_He will **surely** come to me…_

_…**All** is in place…_'

Knives smirked evilly.

Before he was so rudely interrupted.

"Hello!" Came the chime of a happy, yet delusional voice.

Knives snapped his head over in shock to look at Napolean who had just regained consciousness along with some brain damage it seemed.

"Oh no." Knives said as he watched the human wander over to him.

At the sound of Knives' voice, Napoleon asked, "Gerald?"

"No nonono," Knives said quickly, "My name is—"

"Kenshin!" Napoleon said cheerily picking up a chart that was attached to the end of Knives' bed.

"What the…" Knives shot up angrily, but the straps yanked him back to the bed, "My **name** is _Knives_!"

"Well, now," Napoleon replied, "It says on here your name is _Kenshin_." The old man laughed at Knives twisted and angry face.

"I'll kill you and that _psychiatrist_!" Knives growled.

"_Ken_…_shin_…" Napoleon chimed.

"I'll dismember you!"

"Keeeeeen…..Shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnn"

"ARGH!"

"What is your problem, _Kenshin_? You seem rather tense today. _Gerald_ was tense today too, and—"

Knives cut him off.

"YOU," He began, "Shall refer to me as _Knives_, and/or _Lord_ and **Master**!"

Napoleon cocked his head to the side, the light shining off his blue night-y.

"Why?"

"Because I am a superior being"

"Oooooo…." Napoleon said with awe, "Wouldn't that make you God?"

"Hmmm?" Knives said with interest.

"Nuh Uh!" Dumpy yelled from the back, "_I'm_ God!"

Napoleon stuck his tongue out at his fellow Crazy Old Man, "Nope! Lord Master Knives gets to be God now!"

"Why?" Dumpy yelled.

"Because," Napoleon shouted back, "I rather God be anybody but you!"

Dumpy pouted.

Knives was starting to like this conversation.

"Teach us some hymns to worship you by, oh great Knives-sama!" Napoleon's bones creaked as he bowed to Knives.

A smile came across Knives' face. He was going to have loads of fun with this.

…

…

What will happen next? What does Knives have planned? What would Vash think of Knives' crazy roommates? Will Meryl and Milly ever find each other? Can they discover a winning plan to rescue Vash from his donut-free torture? Will this ever end?

Find out some or none of these things Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Review! You know the routine.

…

You know it's been too long since the author's updated _when_:

You know it's been too long since the author's updated when she has to go back and read her own fanfiction to remember what was happening in it.

…

…


	15. Chance Meetings Good & Bad

…

…

Chapter 15

…

…

Knives smiled an evil smile. The proposition by the two ancient and wrinkly human insects to make him their new god amused him. Now only did it amuse him, it fed his superiority complex to the extreme.

Knives decided to humor them.

"…hymns to worship me by, you say?" Knives said to his two roommates of room 666.

Napoleon blinked, "Yeah sure, yeah!" and poked Dumpy until he duplicated the response.

Knives then narrowed his eyebrows at Napoleon and Dumpy fearsome-ly and spoke with great thunder.

"Yeah sure, yeah, _what_, you pathetic insects?"

"Uh…yeah sure, yeah…god-lord-master Knives who-is-definitely-not-named-Kenshin-no matter-what-the-chart-on-his-bed-says?"

Knives laughed evilly.

"Good."

…

…

Meanwhile, over in doctor-land of the Crazy Old Folk's Home, Dr. Brainstern was searching outside his office, into the hallway trying to find some _lucky_ soul to deliver the message to Knives in his room to expect a visit from his brother Vash at exactly 5:30 pm.

The Psychiatrist was not having much luck, until one _really_ unlucky soul happened by.

"Excuse me, would you mind taking this message to hall 6? It's kind of important."

The person looked at the piece of paper shortly before answering cheerfully, "Sure, no problem, sir."

…

…

As Knives was attempting to think up a hymn worthy of his worship, he looked strangely at the blank stares of the two old men.

"Hmm…" Knives thought with great amusement, "Old humans are even more brain damaged than the normal ones."

Napoleon currently had saliva dribbling from his lips into a small pool.

"Is that you Gerald?" Napoleon suddenly said out loud.

Knives let out an exasperated sigh and said in an annoyed way, "I wasn't _thinking_ to you!"

"Oh? But I thought Gerald said something."

"I said that you are the most brain damaged of your species that I have ever encountered!"

"Why… thank you, Gerald."

Knives simply stared at him blankly. Not in anger or bemusement.

When, then suddenly, Knives began to laugh. He laughed and laughed evilly. He laughed and laughed sadistically. He laughed and laughed convivially.

"Ha, ha!" Knives laughed at Napoleon, "I should keep you around if only for my own amusement!"

Swoosh!

Suddenly all quieted as the door opened.

Knives, Dumpy, and Napoleon looked upon this strange visitor.

A young man entered.

Knives looked upon him and found him strangely familiar, as though he had seen this human somewhere before. But Knives was _sure_ he had never seen him before.

Without looking up from the piece of paper the man entered and began to read from it.

"Mr. Knives. This message is to inform you that Mr. Vash Stampede, your brother has made an appointment to come visit you. You can expect him at exactly 5:30 pm. Sorry for the inconvenience of this late notice, but we figured that you wouldn't really mind since your strapped to the bed and can't 'go no where no way'. Ha ha?"

"Strapped to the bed?" the man repeated as he made the mistake of looking up from the paper.

His eyes fell on Knives.

Knives. The Psychotic Crazy Old Folk's Home patient who had nearly _chewed off_ his hand earlier.

Wimpy nurse man now had a name to place with his agony.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Gasp! Cough! Hack! Panic-Attack! Loss-of-Consciousness!"

Knives looked on at the scene somewhat confused.

Wimpy nurse man squealed like a tiny gerbil and twitched a bit before collapsing into a lump on the floor—frothing at the mouth.

Knives blinked and raised an eyebrow.

"What's his problem?" Dumpy inquired about the twitchy man-nurse on the floor.

Napoleon gave a look of deep, deep thought before answering, "Perhaps… he is constipated?"

…

…

Vash rocked back and forth on the floor of the cafeteria. He had yet to get over the high of hearing there would be donut-hole bingo, and the sudden taking-away of that high by the mistake of the announcer for confusing donut-hole bingo month with chilled Thomas chunks month.

Poor traumatized Vash was curled up in a ball, sucking on his thumb, repeating the same thing over and over to himself.

"Noooooooooooooooo….no donuts….no…donuts? Nooooooooooooooooo! No donuts…no doughnuts…no donuts…no doughnuts? NOOOOOOOOOO! No donuts….no donut holes? Noooooooooooo… no donuts? Why why WHY!"

Vash would really have to get his act together if he expects to be able to face Knives in just a few hours.

As Vash was having a mental breakdown, B.M. Wolfwood happened by.

"Awe," He said, patting a loose sofa cushion that he mistook for Vash, "Are you ok?"

…

…

Milly had almost given up hope of ever finding Meryl.

Meryl had almost given up hope of ever finding Milly.

In a city filled with several different bus stops, there stretched a single lonely desert road.

One figure headed north, one figure headed south. By chance they crossed.

Milly did a double take. Meryl did a triple.

"Huh?" came the collective gasps from both women.

"Meryl?"

"Milly?"

"Meryl!"

"Milly!"

"I've got lots of things to tell you!" They both said collectively as they headed to sit down at the nearest bench by the fountain to share stories of what they've been up to.

What a coincidence.

"Meow."

"I see you've got a new friend."

…

…

After the paramedics came and took away the guy that went all rabid, Knives and his roommates had time to think more clearly on the message that Wimpy nurse man had brought.

Knives had already began scheming his revenge on Vash, as Napoleon decided to speak.

"Oooooo," Napoleon said in awe as he looked at Knives—his new "lord and master", "God has a brother? Does that make you god of such and such and your brother god of something and other such and such?"

Knives scowled slightly at the human's drivel.

But, in the end, Knives decide to humor his "worshipers."

"Carry on, puny mortal." Knives said.

Napoleon inexplicably began banging his head against the wall again.

Dumpy piped up, "So uh…Knives—I mean Lord Master Knives…what are you _god_ of?"

"Hmmm…" Knives thought, "I better take my time and think of something really worthy of my superiority."

Time passed. It went from 3…to 4…all the way to 5:00 pm.

Napoleon and Dumpy sat in their bed diligently staring at the ceiling…waiting…waiting for Knives' divine answer.

"I have it!" Knives called out to them.

"What, mastah?" they each said in eager anticipation.

"Behold!" Knives said, "Behold I, Lord and Master Knives… Superior, Intellectual god of S_exiness_ and Cool things!"

…

…

As soon as they sat on the bench, tears welled up in Milly's eyes.

"They want to neuter Mr. Vash!"

"WHAT?" Meryl replied dumfounded.

Kuroneko meowed sadly.

"That's the only way they said that they'll let him out of the Old Folk's Home." Milly wined sadly.

Meryl patted her on the back, "I doubt they were serious when they told you that, Milly. Anyway I found out something much more daunting in the fine print of the Law concerning Old People."

Picking up the heavy law book, Meryl flipped to the page, and spun it around for Milly to read.

"…in no case shall there be any appeal to the law sending persons 85 or older to the home under strict penalties of escape regarding upwards of 20,000$$ per month. Once a person is admitted and processed successfully into the old folk's home, they cannot leave until _upon the time of their death_. No exceptions. Of course, the body of said persons will be shipped out in a timely fashion to family and or friends. Else the old people would stink up the place…"

Milly paused.

Meryl opened her mouth to speak, "You see."

"So, Meryl" Milly began, "Are you trying to say that they only way we can get Mr. Vash out is to _kill_ him?"

"Well," Meryl said trying to cheer Milly-and herself up, "there is always our crazy bounty plan…you know where—"

Milly cut her off by holding up an interesting poster she took from the last bus stop.

Meryl looked at the poster and her jaw nearly fell to the ground. "What the hell?"

"Nyao!"

…

…

Next time: Vash and Knives' conversation. What will they say? What will Meryl and Milly do? Will Vash have to choose between death and castration? Will a resolution ever be reached?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Review please, I appreciate it. Thanks.

…

Sorry for the kinda short chapter. Mostly set up for the next one. It might up the rating. Why? Read, review, and find out! Hehehe.

…

…


	16. Strange Conversations

…

…

Sweet 16

…

…

It was 5:00 throughout the Old Folk's Home, the usual hour of suppertime for all the old fogies.

The nice, newly-hired lady nurse of hall 6 carefully loaded her cart with enough meals for rooms 6-60 to 6-70. But, after serving meals to the first few rooms of crazies… she heard peculiar _singing_ down the hallway.

As she neared closer… her brain registered off-key singing coupled with _nonsensical_ lyrics—at least to her.

"Knives… oh how great you…are…"

It was two people singing she thought.

"Knives…la la la… the most superior…"

The nurse lady wrinkled her nose at the screeching voices.

"Plant god of them….All! yeah…"

"The…um…powerful…how does this go again?"

A third voice seemed to chip in.

"No, incompetents…it's 'The powerful Knives shall wipe all us puny insects off this planet and we shall _rejoice_ and be glad in it!'"

The nurse paused for thought, "What a _sexy_ voice."

The human's hymns were interrupted as the door to their room swooshed open, revealing a young nurse lady pushing a cart of food.

"Feeding time!" she said cheerfully.

Knives grumbled as he watched the nurse lady hand "Napoleon" and Dumpy their meal trays. He groaned in a slightly surprised manner when the nurse suddenly pulled one of his main leather straps tighter—the ones that strapped him to his bed where he cannot move.

Knives growled slightly at her before she reached up and tightened the strap to his face that covered his mouth so that he could not bite anyone. She then walked toward the door to get his "food".

"Here you go." She said cheerfully as she stabbed him with the IV _meal_, "Today's is barbeque flavored." She giggled.

"_I'll barbeque **you**_…" Knives grumbled under his breath.

…

…

"so…hungry…" Vash complained, stretched out on the cafeteria floor.

Vash wallowed in his donut-free sadness, until he felt something kicking his foot.

Somewhat curious, Vash turned his head to see his long-forgotten roommate Billy Bob kicking Vash's foot hoping to get his attention.

"Are you alive down there?" Billy Bob asked as he stared strangely at Vash on the floor, "You ok, Sash?"

Vash grumbled hopelessly as he picked himself off of the floor, "I've told you a zillion times…my name is VASH! Not Cash, Lash, Mash, Rash, _or_ Sash!"

"What about _Clash_?" Billy Bob inquired thoughtfully.

"No." Vash said sternly as he plopped into the nearby table and chair before beginning to bang his head on the table.

"I wanna go home," Vash wined, "I wanna go home to the insurance girls…to the donuts…to freedom…to the donuts…"

"But it's supper time right now," Billy Bob explained, "Don't you want some free food?"

"Huh?" Vash replied.

"It's Thomas chunks night!" Billy Bob exclaimed happily, "Let's go play bingo!"

He then grabbed Vash's arm and proceeded to drag him toward the game room.

"Nooooooo…" Vash wined, "Anything but that…"

But Vash was weak from lack of food, so he didn't put up much of a fight and let Billy Bob drag him to the game room that looked like it was filled with nearly every retiree in the regular wing of the Old Folk's Home.

5 minutes later Vash found himself surrounded on both sides by old ladies giving him unnervingly lustful glares and staring at a bingo board covered with Chilled Thomas Chunks.

Vash gulped as one of the old ladies put her hand on his thigh and scooted her chair closer to him.

She then held up one of his Thomas Chunks to his mouth. "Let me feed you, honey," She whispered in a disturbing tone.

Vash shut his eyes tight and repeated to himself in a panicked tone, "Just think of donuts and happy things, donuts and happy things…this isn't happening…this _can't_ be happening!"

…

…

"So, um Master Knives…" Napoleon began a few minutes after the nurse left, "Are you really going to conquer the planet by your superior-ness wiping out all us humans?"

"Why yes, puny insect." Knives said in a creepily cheerful tone.

"Are you going to kill us, Lord Master Knives?" Dumpy said a tad nervous.

"Well," Knives said slowly as if going it over, "I guess I won't kill the one called Napoleon till very last since _it_ is amusing and all…but… I'll just destroy you with the rest of them."

"What?" Dumpy replied in shock.

"Ha ha!" Napoleon laughed.

Dumpy frowned, "Surely I'll of some use…I sang your hymn…I worship your plant-y greatness…pretty please?"

"Um," Knives contemplated, "Oh, I guess I can save you."

"Thank you god!" Dumpy bowed to Knives.

"Yeah," Knives continued, "So Napoleon can eat you later."

"Huh?" Dumpy blinked.

"Eat him?" Napoleon started, "eat him? Why don't _you_ eat him, Master?"

"Eat a _human_?" Knives said in curiosity, "I've never thought of _that_ before."

Dumpy raised his hand, "See! We are good for something! The Plant gods can eat us! Then you won't have to kill us all off at once! You can like _breed_ us or something for your diner."

Napoleon smiled knowingly, "Yeah…_that_ would be _fun_…"

Knives was feeling somewhat amused and surprised at the insights of these two old men.

"Alright then," Knives began half in jest, "Breed."

The old men looked at each other and then back at Knives.

"You don't mean _us_ do you?" They said in panicked exclamation.

Knives smiled evilly at them.

"No no nonono…" Both the old men said at the same time waving their hands, "You need like…um…_women_ to _breed_!"

Knives watched their distress with amusement, "Yes…of course."

There was a long pause as silence filled the room.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Napoleon suddenly asked Knives.

"What?" Knives was taken aback.

"Doesn't your superior Plant species have girl Plants, Master?"

"Yes, they live in the Plant bulbs."

"He means the giant lightbulbs," Dumpy said in an attempt to be included in the conversation, but they ignored him.

Another awkward pause of silence filled the room.

"So…" Napoleon began again to Knives, "do you have a girlfriend?"

"No, pathetic human," Knives was getting agitated, "I tire of these questions."

"Why not?"

Knives glared at his roommate, "If you do not shut up, I will put you back on my humans-that-I-must-be-sure-to-kill-first list!"

"Why _don't_ you have a girlfriend?" Dumpy decided to continue Napoleon's line of questioning.

Knives groaned in the realization that he was strapped to the bed in a way that prevented him from strangling these humans here and now, and that they might _never_ shut up if he doesn't answer their stupid questions.

"I do not have a female as this 'girlfriend' because they cannot leave the Plant bulbs…if they did, they would die almost instantly." Knives stated flatly without emotion.

"What about a human woman?" Dumpy asked curiously.

"You aren't actually suggesting that _I_, I the great and powerfully superior Plant-being, Knives, should have a human female as a potential mate?" Knives spoke with great anger.

"Uh…" Dumpy spoke nervously, "yes?"

"HA!" Knives laughed at the ridiculous prospect, "You may as well suggest I go procreate with a Thomas!"

"Why don't you go procreate with a T—"

Napoleon whacked Dumpy with a pillow before he could finish his sentence so that Knives would not kill him then and there.

"Uh, great Lord Master Knives, god of sexiness and cool things?" Napoleon began.

Knives reluctantly waved his hand at Napoleon, "Yes, puny mortal, speak."

"Would your godliness ever consider taking a mate that was say…half Plant and half something else if it meant the continuation of you superior beings?"

"Hmm…" Knives thought for a moment and then replied, "I cannot say that I would not at least consider it."

"Master," Napoleon said triumphantly, "I do believe that I may have come up with a plan for world domination."

Knives raised his eyebrow with curiosity.

"World… Domination?" Dumpy spat out the words at Napoleon slowly so as to convey how ridiculous he thought his statement was.

"Old human who wears blue pajamas…tell me this _plan_ of yours," Knives spoke slyly, narrowing his eyes in evil anticipation.

Napoleon smiled.

"They don't call me _Napoleon_ for nothing."

…

…

"Milly…" Meryl began as she stared in shock at the poster, "Where did you get that? Who could've done that?"

"I told you I found it at a bus stop," Milly began, "But, I don't know who drew it."

"It must have been that horrid Janitor from that library that started all this Merry the Maelstrom stuff," Meryl was starting to lose her temper, "I'll cancel his insurance for _sure_!"

"Oh, Meryl," Milly felt lost, "What are we going to do about Mr. Vash? Do you really want me to turn you in for a bounty? So that we can use the money to pay off the fine for releasing Vash for a few months?"

"But, Milly… then I would be the one needing rescuing…"

"So is that a no?"

"Yes, that's a no. Leave that idea as a desperate last resort."

They sat in silence on the lonely bench of the lonely town as a tumble weed bounced past in the wind, while Milly decided to have another look at the Law Book.

"Milly, I don't think your going to find any—"

"Look at this Meryl!" Milly excitedly shoved the book in Meryl's face so she could see.

Meryl saw some tiny fine print at the bottom of the page that she had missed before.

She began reading off the page, "…all occupants of the Old Folk's Home are entitled up to three _visits_ per month by a group of no more than four people at a time…"

"Do you know what this means, Milly?" Meryl said with growing excitement.

"We can go visit Mr. Vash!"

…

…

Time passed…

…and several bingo games and escapes from horny old ladies later, Vash found himself walking past the checkpoint to the Crazy old folks home.

…and several rounds of discussions and scheming later, Knives lay in his room as always, with his roommates, awaiting Vash's arrival.

As Vash rounded the corner to hall six, he heard strange jovial chanting. The melody seemed familiar, but the words were so—

"One, two…blowup my shoe!"

"Three, four…shot the neighbor!"

Vash decided to walk a little faster.

"Five, six…impaled with sticks!"

"Seven, eight…spiders I hate!"

Vash stopped dead in his tracks at the door of room six hundred sixty six, "That voice…It _couldn't_ be _Knives_ could it?"

Confused, Vash cracked open the door just as Knives and his roommates were on the final line of their "hymn."

"Nine, ten…kill the—"

Vash looked at Knives smiling and laughing with his two roommates, as they froze and looked at him.

"—humans." They said as they finished the song.

Vash could not believe this. Seeing Knives even speaking to humans was something Vash never thought he would see.

Vash blinked in amazement.

"Knives?" Vash called to his brother questioningly.

"Hello, Vash." Knives replied in a pleasant tone with an evil smile that hid an evil agenda.

Vash blinked, "You seem…better?"

"Yes, why thank you for noticing." Knives replied so courteously it was creepy.

Vash looked over at the two old men across from Knives. Their strange looks at Vash were making Vash uncomfortable.

"Knives," Vash said narrowing his eyes slightly, "What is going on?"

"Is this your brother, Lord Master Knives?" Napoleon and Dumpy questioned.

Vash raised an eyebrow questioningly, "Lord Master _Knives_?"

Knives nodded, then spoke, "Remember what I said…about the greeting…dear minions?"

"Dear _minions_?" Vash was quite confused.

Suddenly the two old men turned to Vash and bowed.

"All hail Sir Vash, god of stupidity and impotence!"

Vash blinked—dumfounded and at a loss for words.

Knives started laughing his ass off.

After their words set into his mind, Vash became quite agitated.

"You think this is funny?" Vash said angrily to Knives as he walked over closer to him so that he could glare Knives.

Knives did not stop his laughing.

But then, Knives stopped laughing for a brief moment to speak, "Dear, dear brother…you should be happy! The humans have decided to worship us as gods! Ha ha ha!"

Vash frowned at Knives until he uttered his next sentence.

"Now I won't have to _kill_ them all."

Vash could not believe that he was _now_ hearing the words from his brother that he had always longed to hear.

"Did…did you…did you just say that…that you aren't going to wipe out the human race any longer?" Vash was smiling with renewed hope.

"Yes, I _did_ say that didn't I." Knives said with a mysterious and evil smile, "I've since come up with a much, much better plan."

Vash stopped smiling and went to a more blank expression. But, Vash decided that in his mind, he would humor Knives with whatever new plan he had come up with because—at least as far as Vash could imagine—nothing…nothing could be worse than Knives' plan that involved the complete and total annihilation of the human race. And, as long as Knives wasn't going to kill everybody…everything should be ok.

Vash blinked at Knives and replied, "Well?"

"But for my plan to work," Knives began, smiling wider and wider, "I'm going to need your help."

Vash hoped for the best and replied, "What do you need me to do?"

"I need you to go out and _mate_ with every female on the planet." Knives stated plainly.

"Say WHAT?" Vash managed to say before nearly falling over backwards due to shock.

"I _said…_" Knives began.

"I _heard_ what you _said_!" Vash said wide-eyed as he opened his mouth to speak further.

"But…tell me, Knives," Vash said in an extremely confused tone, "How do you go from 'I want to cause Vash eternal pain and suffering and wipe out the human race' to 'I want my brother to go out and have lots of sex'?"

After some thought, Knives began, "Well…"

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

What will Knives say? Will Meryl and Milly visit Vash? How will that go? Will Vash ever see another donut again?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

Please don't forget to Review…

…

Oh, and Disclaimer: I don't own the "One, two…Buckle my shoe" song. Also, I still don't own Trigun in case you forgot or something.

…

…


	17. Too Much Information

_Last time…_

_"I heard what you said!" Vash said wide-eyed as he opened his mouth to speak further._

_"But…tell me, Knives," Vash said in an extremely confused tone, "How do you go from 'I want to cause Vash eternal pain and suffering and wipe out the human race' to 'I want my brother to go out and have lots of sex'?"_

_After some thought, Knives began, "Well…"_

…

Chapter 17

…

Vash stood at the foot of Knives' bed, leaning on the bed post, as he awaited Knives' explanation with a confused look on his face.

"Well, you see Vash," Knives began as he gestured a hand at the old men in the corner, "After conversing with these senile simpletons I actually managed to discover that humans can be of some use to us…."

Vash blinked.

"…There's no need to waste our energy to go out and annihilate them all," Knives smiled, "They are already so _stupid _that I imagine that they will kill themselves off and die out naturally within the next 200 years, leaving _us _as the metaphorical _gods_ of this planet..."

Vash frowned slightly and raised an eyebrow as he wondered where Knives was going with this.

"…As timeless beings, all we have to do is wait," Knives glared powerfully into his brother's eyes, "But, we may as well put these pitiful mortals to good use…"

Knives pointed over to Napoleon and Dumpy who sat with blank expressions and dribbling mouths. "…They make for great entertainment," Knives stated.

Vash looked at the old men quizzically.

"For example," Knives began, "Human called Napoleon…say something _deep_ and _mind provoking_."

Napoleon looked over at the two plants a while, in deep thought, before replying thoughtfully—

—"If you stuck a marble up your butt would it fly out your nose?"

An awkward pause filled the room for a couple of seconds.

Knives snorted with laughter.

Vash blinked.

"Knives," Vash said, "_What_ have you been smok—"?

Knives cut him off.

"Anyway, Vash, as I was saying—"

This time Vash cut Knives off.

"You still haven't answered my question about what any of this has to do with your sudden 'mate with every female on the planet' thing." Vash stated strongly.

Knives glared at Vash in annoyance.

"Well…to make a long story short," Knives began, "I have come up with a way to use the humans to grow our numbers."

"_Our_ numbers?" Vash asked quizzically.

"Us _Plants_. Idiot."

Vash rolled his eyes as he looked at his brother who lay _helpless_ and _strapped_ to the bed and yet _talked_ like he was standing on the tallest pedestal on the tallest tower on the tallest mountain.

"Oh…I think I get it _now_," Vash sighed, "You want _me_ to go and mate with all the females on the planet so that it becomes populated by a whole society of half-plants because _you _think humans are the scum of the universe and would never touch them yourself except, of course, when you are _exterminating_ them." Vash spoke with a rising tinge of anger in his voice.

Knives smiles evilly.

"Oh, dear…_dear_ Vash… it doesn't stop there…"

"What do you mean?" Vash asked, suspicious of Knives.

"It doesn't stop with Gunsmoke filled with half-plants and a dwindling human population…We must hasten our rise and their fall!"

Vash blinked.

"It is not enough for you to _procreate_ with all the females, but you must at the same time _prevent_ all the human males _from_ mating."

Vash sighed. He was tired of trying to humor Knives. But still, he spoke, "And how do you suppose I _do_ that?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Knives smiled, "Fight them, shoot them, slice and dice their _happy_ regions…anything will do."

Vash winced.

Napoleon and Dumpy nearly had a heart attack.

"But better yet," Knives grinned evilly, "Just use two shots: _bang bang_…or if you wanted to be supper sure: _bang bang… BANG_!"

Vash made a weird face of silent horror.

Napoleon and Dumpy fainted.

"Um…" Vash said as he tried to compose himself. He did not want to give Knives any clue that he would not follow along in his crazy plans. For, as long as Knives believes that Vash will do his bidding, at least Knives wouldn't want to be out genocide-ing everybody and everything.

"Um…okey _dokey_?" Vash said with _horrible acting_, "Is that all? Can I go now?"

"No, of course that's not all!" Knives spoke sternly, "We can't leave _our_ Eden filled with half-plants…Half a plant is _way_ too much human!"

"And what do you plan to do about it, Knives?" Vash sighed.

Knives grinned an evil, _evil_ smile.

"I plan to _do_ plenty."

Vash gulped in sudden realization. _Oh no nonono. No nono no._ Vash thought. _He…. He…he can't be thinking of…he…._

Vash slowly began to back away towards the door.

Knives saw Vash's face and knew that he had figured _some_ of it out.

"Yes, Vash…go and breed with the vile humans that you have taken such a liking to.—"

And just as Vash moved to open the door, Knives spoke again, hauntingly.

"—But bring **all of your daughters** to _ME_!"

Wide-eyed, Vash felt ill at Knives' words…

"Oh, and Vash, it gets even _better_—"

…and began to slide to the floor…

"—I shall have _your_ granddaughters, and then you shall **have** _them_!"

…and slowly Vash's face became a shade of green…

"—And then, if they hold too much the blood of humans, your daughters-being at the same time your great grand daughters-I shall **take**!"

…feeling quite sick…

"—Such as this _will_ continue. Until I deem them to be so near fully a Plant that no more breeding is needed…The humans and their blood will be only a memory." Knives smiled, happy with his dark and incestuous plans.

…with anger and disgust Vash looked over at Knives…

"So much of a combination of _our_ blood they will have," Knives said thoughtfully, "They will almost be like _our_ children."

…and Vash greatly felt the need to go and throw up…

"Won't our Eden be _just_ lovely?" Knives giggled, about to go into a fit of evil tyrannical laughter.

Since it seemed that Knives was done with his little speech, Vash-green faced and all-took the moment to pick himself up off the floor and start to make his way out of the room.

Just as Vash had his head and arm out the door, Knives decided to make one last _comment_ before Vash left.

"You know, Vash," Knives began.

Vash paused to hear.

"You know, Vash," Knives continued, "This whole thing would have been a whole lot easier if you had been born a woman. Then I could have just—"

SLAM!

That was the last straw.

Vash wasted no time in slamming the door and high-tailing it out of there…

"BBBBLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

…Just in time to toss his cookies—or donuts, or more like lack of donuts—all over the nearest unlucky nurse that happened to be cruising the halls.

…

…

Meanwhile:

"Uh, Meryl, are you sure this is the place?"

Meryl tapped Milly's shoulder and pointed to the huge sign, not 10 paces in front of them:

ENTRANCE to OLD FOLKS/CRAZY OLD FOLKS HOME

"Huh." Milly said in amazement.

"Come on, Milly," Meryl said, "Let's go in."

"Yeah!" Milly yelled, "Let's go save Mr. Vash!"

"Visit Milly. _Visit_." Meryl whispered in slight annoyance, "Let's go _visit_ Vash. You _don't_ want to make our _intentions_ obvious to _everyone_ on Gunsmoke _do_ you?"

"Sorry." Milly smiled, whispering.

…

…

Several minutes had passed since Vash had left Knives' room. Knives had laughed so long and so hard after that, that it wore him out to the point that he fell asleep.

"Bwah ha ha ha haaa…ha…zzzzZZZZZZZ."

Napoleon and Dumpy both blinked simultaneously.

"Is he asleep?"

"I think so."

Blink blink.

"Do you think we should have told that guy that lord master Knives had been given a huge dose of medication not 5 minutes before he entered?"

Blink blink.

"Naw…"

"ZZZZZzzzzzzzz…still a good butterfly…zzzzz"

…

…

Meryl and Milly walked up to the huge gate that surrounded the Old Folk's Home. The large fences that surrounded the place looked almost 10 feet tall, but the large white metal door in front of them seemed twice that size.

Meryl knocked on the metal door carefully so as to not damage her hand.

No answer.

Milly looked up to see two guard towers with large burly guard people in them.

"Hello! Um… can you open the door?" Milly called out to them.

"Not so loud, Milly!" Meryl yelled.

The guards answered by pointing their large guns at the insurance girls.

"Oh, Meryl…" Milly said in a worried tone as they both slowly put their hands up.

Suddenly they could hear a hatch a few feet above them being unlocked.

What must have been a really tall guy (or else a crazy dude on stilts) stuck his head through and looked at Milly and Meryl.

Suddenly he yelled, "Nobody sees the wizard, NOBODY!"

As if on cue, the two guards fell out snorting with laughter.

"Huh?" said Milly.

"A wizard?" said Meryl with an air of ridiculosity.

The dude hanging out the hatch explained, "It's a bit of an _inside_ joke. Hehehe. Snort."

After a few seconds of thought, Milly spoke up.

"Well, of course it's an _inside_ joke," Milly said, "_We're_ on the outside!"

Meryl stared blankly at Milly before shaking her head in disbelief.

…

…

Vash wobbled slowly down the hall and headed toward the Old Folk's Lounge Area. He desperately needed to get his mind off of the very disturbing conversation he just had with Knives.

As Vash plopped down on the sofa, he was hit with curiosity as he looked up and saw a bunch of "retirees" huddled about some excitement.

Vash reluctantly wandered over to see what all the fuss was about. He weeded his way through several wrinkled faces to see something surprising. He couldn't _believe_ it.

Before Vash the Stampede sat of all things…an ancient high-definition television.

"Huh?" Vash said in surprise.

Vash's roommate who was across from him, noticed him and called out to Vash.

"Hey, uh _Vash_ is it?" Billy Bob _finally_ got Vash's name correctly, "Isn't it exciting?"

"Yeah," called out another old dude, "Old Joe's grandson who works in salvaging old ship wreckages found this old thing and gave it to the Home as a gift!"

"It even came with things to watch!" Billy Bob said excitedly as he handed a stack of movies to Vash.

Vash glanced at the few titles that were available and raised an eyebrow:

"…Captain Planet?..."

"…Star Wars IV Super Duper Quadruple Special Addition with 4D and X-ray vision…"

"…Waterworld?..."

"…Star Trek: CSI featuring the Enterprise X, Y, & Z…"

"…Attack of the Killer Bikini Vampire Girls 47?..."

"…DragonBall SUV…"

"…Alien 1132…"

"…Pretty Pony Adventures in Rainbow Land…"

"…Watch Paint Dry seasons 1 to 238..."

"…Puff the Magic Dragon Special edition…"

"…Old People Gone WILD!..." Vash grimaced.

"Oh! That one sounds GOOD," Billy Bob yelled as he grabbed '_Old People Gone Wild_' from Vash and ran to put it on the TV.

All the Old Folks (including Vash who was dragged to a seat by Billy Bob) sat in excitement (or not) to watch the video.

Vash twitched slightly. The images would give him nightmares for weeks.

…

…

To Be Continued…

…

…

What will happen next? Was Knives serious, or was it the medication talking? What will Vash do once he is reunited with the visiting Meryl and Milly? How will Meryl react when and if Vash tells her of Knives' plans? Will Vash ever escape the horror of Old People Gone Wild?

Find out Next time…maybe

…

…

Sorry about the long wait for this chapter.

On another note…I see you. I see all those hits from the new hit counter thingy. I know there are a lot reading this who are not bothering to review.

Please review! Just tell me what you think, I really really appreciate it.

Thank you!

…

…


	18. Awkward Reunions

…

…

Chapter 18

…

…

5 seconds of the "Old People Gone Wild" video was too much for Vash to take, much less 5 whole minutes.

Luckily he managed to escape the eye of Billy Bob and make a break for it. Vash desperately needed some fresh air.

…

…

Outside the Old Folks Home, Meryl and Milly stood at the huge gate, hoping to be let in.

"So, what is your business here?" the guy who was currently looking out of the hatch in the gate asked.

"Um…" Milly said as she looked over at Meryl for some sign of what to say.

Meryl happened to glance through the gate to see a young woman in green scrubs.

"Hmmm," Meryl thought as she did some super quick thinking.

Milly decided to speak up, "We're here to vis—"

"We're here to apply for nursing jobs!" Meryl said quickly, cutting off Milly.

Before Milly could even say "huh?" Meryl quickly whispered into her ear: "Visitors can only stay a few hours, if we pretend to work here a while, we can stay as long as it takes to rescue Vash…"

Milly smiled.

The guard squinted his eyes at them, as if scrutinizing them.

"Alright," he said, "I'll open the gate for you."

And, the huge metal gate opened, spinning the desert sand into the air, catching the light of the sunset.

"Meow," went the kuroneko in Milly's arms as she and Meryl walked through the gate.

…

…

Vash wandered away from the new TV area, went past the entertainment area, and through the bingo hall, to reach the northern porch rest area—a porch with a hand-railing and rocking chairs that just happened to face The Front Gate.

Vash took a seat in a rocking chair and let the sandy fresh air of the late afternoon wash over him.

He happened to look up.

"…"

He got up and went to the edge of the railing.

"It couldn't be!"

He studied the two figures as they neared the check in area.

"…in…sur…ance…girls?" Vash said the words slowly as if he could scarcely believed his eyes.

"Hey!" Vash yelled towards them at the top of his lungs, since they were—after all—in the far distance.

Vash began jumping up and down, waving his arms high in the air while he was at it, "Hey, Insurance Girls! Meryl! Milly! Over HERE!"

…

…

Just as they were about to go in to check in, Meryl and Milly thought they heard someone calling their names in the distance.

They turned to look.

"It's Mr. Vash! Meryl, Look!" Milly was smiling with sparkles sparkling in her happy eyes.

"I see him Milly, I see him." Meryl's eyes teared up, as they both waved to him. And since Milly had to let go of kitty to wave, kitty peed on Meryl's shoe.

In the distance, Vash waved back.

…

…

"Zzzzzzzzzz…" Knives snored, "zzzz…mmmmm…yeah….oh yeah…mmmm…zzzzzz"

…

…

Just a few minutes later, Meryl and Milly had made it through check-in sporting new nurse outfits (and shoes) plus several newbie identification tags that said "not crazy" and "not old" so that they would not be mistaken for an old folk or a crazy old folk.

All they had to do was fill out a survey and sign a nurse contract and they were sent on their way. The only thing they were told was that they would have to participate in some training exercises and tests before they were given a final OK.

"Wow, that was easy!" Milly exclaimed as she ogled at her new blue scrubs.

"Sure was," Meryl said a little worried at how easy it was to get in. It was a bit suspicious.

"Meow!" Kuroneko agreed as he tried to climb Meryl's purple scrubs pant leg.

"Ow!" Meryl exclaimed.

"I guess kitty is just hungry." Milly said as she picked up and held the neko.

Suddenly a cry of elation came from Vash as he saw the insurance girls round the corner and appear on the porch rest area.

"Insurance girls!" Vash yelled excitedly as he grabbed them both up for a huge hug.

"Gack!" Meryl said as the air got squished out of her.

Milly smiled as usual.

Vash didn't seem to want to let go as he began to cry and wine about his predicament.

"Oh, I didn't think you were ever coming to visit me!" Vash began, "Has it been weeks, months? That I have suffered with out my precious…

Meryl began to smile.

…donuts…

Meryl frowned.

…I thought I was gonna die from starvation. You wouldn't believe what they feed us here and don't get me started on my roommate and—"

"One. Day." Meryl suddenly said.

"What?" Vash suddenly let go of them and asked.

"Vash," Meryl furrowed her eyebrows in frustration as she said sternly, "You have been in the Old Folks Home for a grand total of a _day_ and a _half_."

Vash blinked, "Really?"

Meryl rolled her eyes, "_Really_!"

"Oh." Vash said in unsurprised surprise, "Huh. Isn't that something."

Then his mind wandered.

"Hey, what happened to what you girls _usually_ wear?"

…

…

"Zzzzzz….niiice…mmm…" Knives continued to snore, "…zzzz…yeah….uhhhhhh…"

…

…

"So, you girls became nurses to come save me?" Vash said appreciatively as he took a seat in a rocking chair.

"Yes, Vash, that's what we've spent the last 5 minutes explaining to you." Meryl said as she took a seat in a nearby chair.

Milly smiled and set her kitty cat down. Then, Milly took a seat by Meryl.

Vash rocked back and forth in the rocking chair as the suns in the sky began to set and they, in turn, began to recount their adventures of the past…day and a half.

But, before any of them got to talking about anything really interesting, they suddenly heard something.

"Meow!"

Vash and the insurance girls turned to look.

"Meow!"

It seemed as though the cute black neko with the big green eyes was looking at something.

"Meow!"

"What's that cat's problem?"

"Kitty seems to be looking at something." Milly said looking around.

"Nyao!" Came a sudden meow from a dark brown neko that had just jumped onto the hand-rail.

"Oh, it just sees another cat." Meryl said uninterested as she turned back to talk to Vash.

Kuroneko meowed again, ran, and then jumped up on the hand-rail right by the brown cat.

"Meow!"

"Nyao!"

"Aw," Milly said, as the only one still paying any attention to the cats, "Isn't that cute."

…

…

"Zzzzz…SNORE…zzz…uh," Knives continued to dream, "…Zzzzzthose….some nice….boooobies…zzzzzzz…"

…

…

Several minutes later, just as Meryl and Milly were in the middle of telling Vash about how they were stuck in that library, they all began to hear a _strange_ noise…

At first it began as though it were in the far distance, a strange music that seemed to come from no-where. But, then it became _very_ clear.

)Meow nyao…

"…"

)boom chicka meow ow, boom chicka chika(

"…?"

)Meow ow…

"Huh?"

And then Vash and Meryl happened to turn and look at the two cats.

)boom chicka meow ow, boom chicka chika(

Meryl blinked, "…"

Vash raised an eyebrow, "Uh…"

)boom chicka meow ow, boom chicka chika(

"Looks like Milly's cat found a new _friend_," Vash slowly stated.

"That's…putting it _mildly_." Meryl managed to say as she quickly turned away from the cats that were '_going at it_' like crazy. She turned her attention to Milly.

"Milly," Meryl said with concern, "Aren't you worried that big _brown_ _tom_ cat is going to hurt that little _girl_ cat?"

"Huh?" Milly said, blushing slightly at the sight, "Oh, but…kuroneko's _not_ a girl cat…he's a _boy_ cat…or I guess an 'it' cat since he got neutered."

"But…that means…" Meryl turned to look at the kitties once again, "They're _both_ boy cats?" She exclaimed in surprise.

)boom chicka meow ow, boom chicka chika( the strange music from nowhere continued.

"Well," Vash began, leaning back in the rocking chair, "This is becoming quite the awkward conversation…"

…

…

"Zzzzzz…I love…zzzz," Knives snored, "zzz…those new boobies….zzzzz…Vash…zZ."

…

…

After a few moments of nervous laughter, the three friends sitting out on the porch decided to just move the conversation along and try to ignore the kitties that were quite, quite _busy_.

"So, Vash" Meryl began, "What have you been doing around here?"

"Well…blah blah blah…no donuts…yadda yadda…come on to by old ladies…blah de blah…oh, and Knives—he doesn't want to kill every one, but has come up with a really gross plan to repopulate the planet with Plants that involves incest." Vash gags.

Meryl blinked, horrified, jumping to a wild conclusion, "He came _on_ to you?" she exclaimed.

"No!" Vash yelled, horrified of the thought.

He then relaxed a moment before making a face.

"But," Vash began, not wanting to say the words, "He did relate that he wished I was _female_ so he could… procreate with me." Vash winced at the memory.

"Ewwwwwwww…" Meryl frowned in utter disgust.

Milly smiled obliviously, "What does procreate mean?"

Vash blinked and stared at her blankly.

Meryl gapped at her a moment before sighing and reluctantly pointing to the cats behind them on the hand rail that were currently having "fun-fun time".

)boom chicka meow ow, boom chicka chicka(

"Oh," Milly blushed and smiled a moment before she realized—

"OH!…eww…" Milly exclaimed as she turned to Vash, "But, he's your _brother_!"

Meryl twitched a bit more.

"I know." Vash winced, "That's why I feel…ill."

Meryl gave a look of concern and patted him on the shoulder.

Milly then suddenly thought of something _she_ thought would cheer Vash up and smiled.

"Hey!" Milly yelled excitedly, "I bet you'll feel better knowing that the mayor said that the only way he'd release you and Mr. Knives is if you get castrated! Then Mr. Knives can't _procreate_ nobody!"

Milly smiled, extremely happy with the _genius _of her speech.

"Wha…what?" Vash managed to stutter out as his eyes grew wide as saucers.

Meryl looked at Milly, horrified, "No, Milly! He _doesn't_ need to hear this right now. He's already been traumatized enough by what Knives told him…Hell, _anything_ to do with Knives has _got_ to be traumatizing. _I'm_ traumatized just hearing about it!"

Vash smiled after having been slighting worried for a moment.

"Anyway," Meryl continued to Milly, "The castration idea is only to be used as a _last resort_."

Vash twitched, blinking, "Wha…wha…wha…wha…"

Milly had a sudden look of realization, "Oh yeah, Meryl, that's right, I almost forgot. _Our_ current plan is to have Mr. Vash "_kill_" himself in order to get him released, right?"

"That's right Milly." Meryl smiled taking Vash by the arm.

Vash jumped as he yelled, "WHAT?" Have the insurance girls completely lost their minds?

)boom chicka meow wow, boom chicka( That strange music from nowhere was still playing in the background.

"Come on, Vash," Meryl said looking back and frowning at the nekos as Milly took Vash's other arm, "Let's go inside. I've had quite enough of this 'kitty porn'…"

Milly opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Meryl.

"Milly, you can come back and get your Kuroneko _later_. _Much later_."

Meryl spoke as they dragged a complaining Vash back inside.

And… )boom chika meow ow, boom chicka nyao( faded off into the distance.

"Suicide is not the answer!" Vash suddenly yelled.

"Come on Vash," Meryl said exasperated as they pulled him along, "We just want you to 'play dead' not _really_ kill yourself!"

Vash wasn't listening as he wined on, "I disapprove of suicide more than anything!"

…

…

"Zzzz…pretty girl…SNORE," Knives dreamed, "…Vash…zzzzz…is a pretty girl…SNORE…boobies."

…

…

Meryl had had enough of Vash's childish behavior.

SLAP!

"Ow…" Vash snapped out of it, as Meryl slapped him across the face.

They all then plopped down at the immediate corner table in the currently empty bingo hall.

Meryl then, with a few _choice_ words managed to convince Vash that they were not going to _kill_ him.

And Milly then in turn had to convince him that they _really_ weren't going to neuter him.

Vash took it all in.

"So what's the plan?" He said with a smile.

"Well, we have to convince the medical people around here that you're dead, so that they will release your body." Meryl whispered while looking around so that no one would suspect anything.

"How?" Milly asked curiously.

"Well," Meryl began, "There is an easy way, and a hard way…"

"What's the easy way?" Vash said softly.

Meryl smiled slyly, "I sneak into Knives' room… give him a bullet between the eyes…swap his dead body for your live one…the coroner ID's "Vash" as dead…then swap you for him one more time…_and_… you are free!"

Vash gasped with a look of shock, horror, and disbelief at what Meryl said.

Milly smiled obliviously.

"Vash?" Meryl inquired.

Vash looked like he was about to have a brain aneurysm or a heart attack. Or both. "Killing…bad…killing bad!...no! take life…wrong…no right…no one…has the right…thou shalt not…love…and…peace…"

"Vash?" Meryl inquired.

"Love…and Peace…"

"Vash?" Meryl asked with a growing look of concern.

"LOVE AND PEACE!"

"…um…Vash?"

"LOVE AND PEEEEEEAAAACE!"

"…"

"LOVE and PEACE, _I tell you_! LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND—"

"OKAY, okay, Vash," Meryl shook him trying to calm him down, "I get it. I get it."

Vash settled down and started sniffling. Milly comforted him.

"Okay, Vash," Meryl began, "I promise…I won't shoot your brother in the head."

"So….HAPPY!" Vash started crying.

Meryl rolled her eyes.

A few minutes pass.

They don't notice a random dirty old man with a cane walk up and begin to listen in on their conversation.

…

…

Next in the discussion came the expected question from Vash the Stampede:

"So, what's the _hard_ way?"

And, instead of Meryl or Milly answering this question, the Dirty Old Man answered.

"Well," the Dirty Old Man began, "First we all git _nekkid_, and then—"

Several minutes later… the old man found himself locked in the nearby closet, with several red slap marks across his face.

The Dirty Old Man smiled, "That was _hott_…"

…

…

"Zzzzz…happy…butterflies…ZZZ," Knives snored, "…make more butterflies…zzzzZZZ…"

…

…

Luckily for him, once in said closet, the Dirty Old Man's _comments_ were out of the reach of Meryl's ear.

And so, the conversation continued…

"Well, the _difficult_ way is to make Vash _look_ convincingly dead."

"How?"

"Well, what attributes of a dead person do we need to add to Vash?"

"Attributes?"

"Like what makes a dead person different than a live person."

"Oh."

"Like what?"

"Let's think about it."

do de dodo, do de do, do de dodo, do, de dodododo, do de dodo, do de do—

"I've got it!"

"What?"

"Dead people smell bad!"

"Ok."

"Ok, then we'll, uh…"

"Have Kuroneko pee on Vash!"

"Wha…?"

"…"

"I…_guess_ that will work."

"Anything else?"

"…"

"Blue in the face?"

"huh?"

"Oh, I guess…"

"Hmmmm…."

"How do we manage that?"

"I wish I had a donut—"

"Blue…lipstick?"

"Yes! That might work!"

"lip…stick? All over _my_ face? ………"

"It'll _have_ to do."

"…"

"Well?"

"And, I guess I'll hold my breath too?"

"That'll make your face even bluer!"

"I guess that's a good thing."

"PUDDING!"

"Huh?"

"Wha?"

"You can cover your _entire_ body with it, and put it down your _shorts_ so that your body will be really really cold!"

"That's actually a great idea, Milly!"

"…you wouldn't think so if you were the one that had to play dead."

"Look, Vash…do you want out of here or NOT."

"…"

"There is always the castration option…"

"No, nonono! I'm fine, I'm fine, Pudding, blue lipstick, cat pee… It's _ALL_ GOOD!"

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

Will Meryl and Milly _really_ pass as nurses? Will their plan to free Vash work? Where is Vash going to get blue lipstick? Just what _is_ Knives dreaming about? Do we really want to know? What will happen next, when night draws closer and they will all have to sleep in Vash's room? And what of the _next_ day?

Find out next time!

…

…

Review! Thank you!

…

…


	19. SpongeBath NoPants

…

…

…

Chapter 19

…

…

Suddenly an announcement came over the loud speaker.

"Will all retirees of hall 3 report to their rooms. REPEAT. All retirees of hall number 3. That's T-H-R-E-E. Go to your rooms, right NOW. Thank you!"

Vash looked at Meryl and Milly and moved to get up, "I guess I better go."

"We'll meet you at supper later."

"Ok."

…

…

10 minutes after he had gone, another announcement was made.

"All nurses for hall three, report to hall 3's medical wing. Hall 3 nurses. Also, new nurses that have yet to be assigned halls are to report to hall 3 also. NOW. Thank you."

Meryl and Milly looked at each other. "Uh oh." They said. "I guess we should report with the rest of them."

…

…

"Zzzzzzzzzz…." Knives snored, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…"

…

…

When Vash arrived at his room on hall three, he opened the door to find that his roommate Billy Bob was already there—jumping up and down on _Vash's_ bed like a little kid.

_Bounce bounce bounce…_

At first Vash opened his mouth to say something, but then Billy Bob began to sing:

"10 little old people jumping on the bed—" …_bounce bounce…_

"Um…" Vash tried to cut in.

"—One fell off and brokehisnewlyreplacedhip!" …_bounce bounce…_

"Huh?"

"—his mama called the doctor and the doctor said…" _bounce bounce…_

Then Vash realized that it was his bed being destroyed, "HEY!"

"…and the doctor said: How can your mama be calling when she been dead 50 years!"

_bounce bounce…_

Vash mentally took down a note that he should recommend Billy Bob for a quick and permanent relocation to the Crazy Old Folks home, sighed, and decided to just back away and walk out the door.

"Ofph?"

Vash was met with a nurse's hand in his face who promptly stuffed him back into the room.

"You two calm down and sit tight," the female nurse's voice pleasantly spoke, "I'll be back to get y'all in a moment."

She then shut and locked the door as she left. Vash listened curiously as he heard her footsteps echo softly as she moved further away down the hall.

"What is going on?" Vash wondered as he turned to look back over at his old person roommate.

Thankfully Billy Bob stopped jumping around and stood on the floor, grabbing his walking cane and shuffled slowly over to Vash who raised an eyebrow at him.

…

…

Meryl and Milly approached the nurses' office with caution, wondering what they had gotten themselves into when they had decided to pose as nurse job seekers.

Meryl in her purple scrubs and Milly in her blue ones waited patiently outside the office on hall 3 as several people went in and out the door. Finally, a nurse in silver scrubs took notice of them.

"Hi there," the Head nurse called to them, "You two must be the newest recruits"

Meryl and Milly smiled huge, half-fake smiles at the Head nurse and nodded slowly.

"Good, good!" the Head nurse chirped, clapping her hands together and making a happy face, "I'm so glad you two happened to show up, we've had some openings in the Health and Cleanliness sector for quite some time!"

Meryl and Milly quickly shot each other a semi-worried glance as they wondered what the heck the "Health and Cleanliness" sector entitled.

"It's always so hard to find good help in that part of the field."

Meryl and Milly blinked and blinked and smiled some more.

"Anyway," the Head nurse began again, "Today you will complete a task for your training. If you do a good job, you will get to keep your new jobs, if not—we toss you out the front gate. Understand?"

Meryl and Milly nodded furiously.

"Good. Wait here, I'll be back for you in a couple minutes."

…

…

"Zzz…Zzz," Knives was still sleeping soundly, "Zzzzzzz… …fart… zzz…FART"

"Cough! Hack!" Napoleon & Dumpy complained, "cough! Wheeze! Eh!"

…

…

Vash and his roommate did not have to wait long before another nurse came back to their room.

"Follow me, please" the lady said as she opened their door.

Vash peeped out and looked round the corner to try to see where she was walking off to. Billy Bob mimicked Vash.

The lady looked back at them, "Come on!" she said, "Other old folks are waiting for their turn."

"Huh?" wondered Vash as he reluctantly obliged and followed the nurse lady down the hall, his silky red pajamas flowing in the wind.

A sky blue door stood not 10 feet away. It had a tiny window on it where one person could look through it with one eye.

"Hmmm?" Vash stated curiously.

The nurse lady opened the door, and nodded, gesturing her hand that they enter the room.

No soon had Vash and Billy Bob walked in the room, did the nurse close the door behind them, locking it thoroughly shut.

"Huh WHAT?" Vash yelled, panicked slightly as he rushed back over to the door, squishing his face against the tiny window trying to see out.

The nurse spoke up.

"Don't worry honey," she said kindly, "Ya'll just take a look around, and read the directions on the wall poster…I'll be back to return ya'll to ya'll's room later."

She smiled and walked off.

Vash pouted slightly.

And then Vash turned around.

In front of him was a large pure white room with few furnishings. The first thing he noticed was a nearly identical door that was symmetrical to the one he just used to enter. It was on the opposite end of the room.

Without taking time to look around, he ran towards the door and promptly bumped into something.

"Ow," he stated sadly.

He looked down to see—

—a bathtub.

And, not just one, there were two of them.

…2 old style bathtubs that were a few feet apart just sitting in the middle of the room. They were already filled with water. Vash's eyes moved down to look at the tile floor—the tiles were also white. His feet were cold against the floor.

"I must have left my slippers in my room," he mumbled.

He peered up, and saw a tiny little curtained off square to the left side of the room—big enough for standing room of one person. A similar second one was off in the right corner of the room, near the other door.

The wheels in Vash's mind started to turn as he turned around to see a white table and a large big-print poster on the wall with instructions.

The table was covered with brightly colored _sponges_ of various shapes and sizes.

At this point Vash was confused.

But _then_ he started to read the wall poster:

**Welcome Old Folks.**

**Please read instructions carefully.**

**1. Please step behind privacy curtain.**

**2. Remove ALL clothing. **

**3. Pick out a sponge.**

**4. Patiently wait for Bath** **Attendant.**

**5. Follow Bath** **Attendant's instructions.**

**Have a nice stay at The Old Folk's Home.**

"ACK!" Vash exclaimed, "oh…nononono. I gotta get OUTA here!"

Vash ran over to the door knob and hopelessly fiddled with it.

"I don't _wanna_ get naked!" Vash wined.

When the door failed Vash turned around in order to search for other possible escape routes. Unfortunately for Vash, he had NOT been paying attention to what Billy Bob had been doing all this time.

"AHHHHHHH!" Vash yelled, as he had turned to find Billy Bob, already completely naked, attempting to get in his bathtub, "MY EYES! UGH!"

"Hiya Vash!" Billy Bob called out happily and obliviously as he sat down in the bathtub.

Vash shut his eyes tight and quickly looked away. _I did not need to see that. I did not need to see that. I did **not** need to see that._

Suddenly a knock came at the door, jolting Vash.

"ACK!" Vash exclaimed, looking around wildly, "Gotta HIDE, gotta _hide_!"

And so, Vash hid behind the privacy curtain, twitching nervously.

The door opened, and a different voice than before called out to them, "Sirs?"

"Yep!" Billy Bob replied.

The nurse smiled at him before asking, "Where is the other retiree?"

Billy Bob pointed at the shivering curtain.

"Ah hah!" The nurse replied, "Sirs, I just wanted to make sure you don't need help removing your clothes…Do _you_ need help sir? Behind the curtain?

"No?" Vash replied softly.

"Don't be shy sir, please set your clothes outside the curtain. Other folks are waiting in line to use this room."

With great reluctance, Vash slowly unbuttoned his shirt, letting the silky red fabric slide down his shoulders. He set the shirt outside the curtain before moving on to his pants. He slowly grabbed the elastic and slid the long pajamas off his hips and down his legs. He stepped out of the pants legs and then tossed them outside the curtain. Finally came the underwear. Vash gulped, before he shut his eyes and quickly slid his underpants off, sliding them under the curtain.

Vash wined a tad as he—in a paranoid fashion—looked about the curtain to make sure nobody could see anything through it.

The nurse eyed his clothes on the floor. Satisfied she spoke, "Thank you sir. Your bath attendants will be with you shortly."

And once again the door was closed and locked.

Vash made a face as thoughts of random ladies—even if they are nurses—seeing his naked body floated in his mind. He started to turn red from the sheer embarrassment of the bizarre situation.

And, Billy Bob who was currently playing with a sponge in the water, it seemed, knew _just_ how to make a bad situation worse: he started to sing.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…de de-ly deeee de!"

Vash grimaced, wide eyed.

"All of them a standing in a row!"

Vash decided he could not take any more of this—and it didn't help that he accidentally saw the old man naked not 2 minutes ago—and so, Vash made the difficult decision of removing his hands from where they were—covering his privates—to put his hands against his ears so that he would not have to suffer further stanza's of his roommates singing that unintentionally brought to mind very, _very_ disturbing images…

"Big ones, small ones…"

"…"

And then, he could hear no more. "Ah," Vash sighed relieved.

Unfortunately, now that Vash had his ears covered, he could hear nothing. If only he had waited a minute longer, he would have heard the door swing open, along with the entering footsteps of the two new _bath attendant_ nurses, none other than—

—Meryl and Milly.

…

…

"ZZZzzzzz…gettin' jiggy wit it…zzz," Knives mumbled, "Zzzz…na na na na lalala SNORE…"

…

…

Meryl and Milly entered the room as the Head nurse closed the door behind them.

"Now you two do a good job, just like I explained," The Head nurse called out to them from behind the door, "All you have to do is give the two old men sponge baths…make sure they are healthy and clean…I'll be back in 20 minutes."

"Ok!" Milly chimed happily.

Meryl grimaced slightly.

Two bad the Head nurse lady didn't tell them the _names_ of the old folks they were supposed to bathe.

Milly didn't hesitate a bit. She smiled and went and looked at the sponges, picking out one and skipping over the old man named Billy Bob.

"I've got this one," Milly called out with her usual happy enthusiasm.

Meryl looked around and raised an eyebrow slightly at Milly, "Um, Milly…you don't find this a bit awkward or somewhat _gross_?"

Milly smiled and shook her head in reply to Meryl as she walked over and waved at the old man, "Naw, Meryl…it's not too bad….you see—

—one time my sister's brother's aunt's uncle's uncle was old and senile and blah blah blah…

Meryl smiled at Milly and sighed.

…and blah blah blah and so me and my sister and little big sister and big big sister and big big brother…

"That's enough, Milly, really," Meryl said.

…and my little big brother had to take turns bathing him."

"Ok," Meryl said walking over and peering into the vacant bathtub, "That's great and all, but where is the other guy?"

"Hmmm…" Milly pondered with an expression of deep thought, looking around the room, "That's a good question."

Unbeknownst to them, Vash was mere feet away from them, behind the curtain, totally oblivious, with his fingers in his ears, humming Sound Life to himself so softly that the insurance girls didn't happen to hear him.

That is, until Milly happened to see feet under the curtain…

…which led to her pulling the curtain open unexpectedly, both startling Meryl who was standing right in front of the curtain, and Vash who just happened to be facing Meryl…

Vash and Meryl both jumped in surprise.

"Oh, Hi Mr. Vash!" Milly called out happily.

Vash was stunned stupid, standing there, fully exposed, looking like an idiot with his hands flat against his ears.

Vash blinked, as he eyed the insurance girls.

Meryl blinked, as she looked at his hands in his ears, "Vash?" she managed to squeak out.

"Huh?" Vash looked at Meryl following her gaze, noticing that first she was looking at his hands, then his chest, then his stomach…then his…

Meryl face turned beet red.

Milly saw Meryl make a face and walked closer to see what she was looking at.

"Meryl, what…oh, _wow_," Milly said as she decided to stare also.

Vash's face turned red-er than the red-est red there was. His brain was frantically telling his hands to move from his ears and cover himself, but for some reason the brain signals were not getting through.

"Oh, wow…indeed." Meryl breathed, stifling a girlish giggle.

At this moment Vash felt like he had died of embarrassment and gone to a perpetual hell where you are always naked and people stare at you all day long and laugh.

5 minutes of this went by, and Vash wined, feeling like he could cry.

Thankfully, a comment from Milly saved the day and broke the 3 out of their frozen moment in the time space continuum.

"Ya, know," Milly mumbled to herself where everyone in the room could hear, "I think Wolfwood's was bigger."

"Huh!" "Wha!"

That snapped Meryl and Vash out of it. Meryl covered her eyes, spun around and apologized, while Vash finally moved to cover himself.

Milly took down a piece of the other curtain and wrapped it around Vash, seeing as Meryl was now too embarrassed to even look at Vash's face.

"Ladies, now look what ya done," Billy Bob said to Meryl and Milly in a slightly agitated voice, "Ya'll stared at his ding-dong so long that I had to give _myself_ a sponge bath!"

Vash stopped in his tracks as he knelt to pick up his clothing off the floor, feeling his cheeks blush once again.

On the other side of the room, Meryl covered her eyes and shook her head. She could have just died then and there.

Milly smiled and watched the two knowingly, dreaming that one day, Meryl and Vash would be at the point where they could happily take baths of all kinds together.

…

…

Elsewhere Knives continued to snore and dream, "zzzzzZZ_I've_ got a _lovely_ bunch of _coconuts_ de de-ly de deeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzz zzzz…"

…

…

A little later that night at supper, the three sat round a table.

Meryl sat on the left, Vash sat in the middle, and Milly sat on the right.

Meryl and Milly were served Nurse's food, while Vash was stuck with turnip greens and prune juice.

Meryl stared at her food strangely, poking it with a fork occasionally. Vash sat straight as a board, looking straight ahead, face beet red, trying not to look at Milly _or_ Meryl.

Meryl was given the spaghetti, meatball & sausage plate, while Milly receive the corndog and tater tots plate.

Meryl was seriously getting some dirty, _dirty_ thoughts as her mind unconsciously arranged the meatballs and long sausages on her spaghetti plate in strange and unusual ways.

Meryl twitched slightly.

Milly wasn't helping with her corndog on a stick with the two tater tots on the plate.

Milly was obliviously smiling and sucking on the corndog.

Meryl couldn't take it any more.

"Milly," Meryl said sternly, "Could you please not do that, it…looks…wrong."

…

…

To be continued…

…

…

Tune in for the exciting next chapter, what will happen? Will Knives have more dreams? Will Vash get more naked? Will Meryl lose her mind? Will Milly become more oblivious? Will Vash ever see another donut again?

…

…

Thanks!

Read!

Review!

Thank you!

…

…


	20. Sweet Dreams

…

20th Chapter

…

…

…

Milly complied with Meryl's request concerning the corndog, even though she did not understand it, and bit the corndog in half—the action of which caused Vash to wince involuntarily.

Vash went back to staring off into space as Milly happily chewed with her visibly corndog filled cheeks.

"Hey, Meryl," Milly said a few minutes later, "How come you haven't eaten your food? Is there something wrong?"

Meryl blinked at Milly, looked down at the plate, then turned away quickly, blushing and twitching slightly out of the sheer aggravation she felt toward how her day had been going.

Vash looked at Meryl, and felt his face heat up. Unwisely or not, he decided to fight the embarrassment of the day's happenings and summon some courage to say something to her.

"Um, Meryl…" Vash spoke softly, fidgeting nervously.

Meryl looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "_He looks so sad and pitiful,"_ she thought. And so, she turned around in her seat to face him again.

"Meryl, I…"

He looked into her eyes.

"Yes, Vash?"

She looked into his.

"I…I…I…" Vash said leaning towards Meryl.

Meryl blushed as he got closer to her, closer, closer, until he happen to glance down at her plate and see—

"Oh My God! Do you know what that _looks_ like!" Vash suddenly exclaimed as he turned away from Meryl's face to stare interestingly at her food.

"I mean," Vash continued, "Who would think to serve food like that, that looks just like—"

This time, Meryl turned red for a _whole_ different reason.

STOMP.

"Ow…" Vash exclaimed confusedly at Meryl's stomping on his foot.

But poor, poor Vash couldn't take a hint.

"I mean that food is seriously shaped like—

"EEEEERRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr!" Meryl yelled in frustration, her blood vessels on her head about to pop, and grabbed two of the longest sausages on her plate and promptly shoved them up Vash's nostrils.

Meryl then stormed off.

Vash, too shocked to do anything else, blinked at the new objects hanging out his nose.

Milly sighed at the display, as she was concerned for the future of those two's relationship. But then she looked over at Vash who seemed to be confused, yet relatively unharmed, not to mention… quite funny looking. Milly couldn't help but giggle at him.

…

…

Meanwhile, in room 666, lay Knives…away in dreamland…

But not for long…

Knives snored, mostly oblivious as several figures entered his room, leading his roommates away.

Voices whispered intently around him, speaking to him and about him. Knives felt strange sensations upon his skin as hands moved over him—he was being unbuckled from the straps on his bed.

He began to become aware of the whispers in the night; they were shrill…and _female_.

Knives felt like he was floating, moving…but to where?

He couldn't wake up! They must have drugged him! He thought. What is going on?

He snored again, snorted…and mumbled something about butterflies.

Suddenly his ears were bombarded with giggles…female voices were speaking again.

Knives' eyes fluttered, the light hit his eyes, and he could _just_ make out a few of their words.

"That's _so adorable_" … "He's _so_ cute" … "_I want_ to go first" … "No, _he's mine_" …

There sat Knives in a wheelchair, having finally opened his eyes.

Before him was a white room, a single bathtub…

…and 5 blond nurses holding sponges.

Dumbstruck for the first time in his life, Knives looked at the situation before exclaiming,

"Where the hell are my clothes!"

…

…

Vash was still fairly stunned, so much so that it hadn't crossed his mind that he might want to _remove _the large bits of sausage that were blocking his breathing passages.

Thankfully, Milly came to the rescue!

"Hey, Mr. Vash?" Milly questioned in her always friendly tone, "Wouldn't you breathe better if those weren't stuck in there?"

Milly pointed at his nose. Vash went cross eyed for a second there as he attempted to see the damage for himself.

Vash promptly nodded yes at Milly's question. She in turn reached out and grabbed the sausage closest to her and pulled quite hard, causing Vash's face to end up squarely in his plate of food that was on the table—if you can call _that _food.

"It's really stuck in there!" Milly exclaimed with concern.

"Ooph…" Vash replied.

He sat back up, revealing a face covered in smushed turnip greens, "eh…" he mumbled.

An old lady happened to happen past, shuffling along with her walker. She just had to stop and view the commotion.

"Heavens to Betsy!" she exclaimed at Vash, "Those are some mighty big boogers hanging out yo' nose!"

"Huh?" Vash said in a nasal voice.

"You sound funny!" Milly giggled.

"Heh…Ah…ah" Vash had gotten so tickled at what the old lady said that—

"Ah…AH…AH"

"Mr. Vash?"

"Ah-CHOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Two sausages suddenly flew across the room at lethal speeds, disappearing into a crowd of old folks.

"Oh, dear…" Milly and the old lady said in unison.

Vash's mouth gaped.

The sausages made contact.

"Ah! Mi' eye!"

…and from across the room.

"Yow! My butt!"

…

…

Knives crossed his arms—now covered in a fluffy bathrobe as he was being wheeled down the hall and back to his room.

An awful scowl was upon his face. He gritted his teeth. It almost looked like he was…pouting. Knives. _pouting_.

He was glad that most of the idiotic human females had gone. The only one left was now pushing his wheelchair, and she only got that job 'cause she was lucky enough to beat the others at paper, rock, scissors.

Knives frowned even more and crossed his arms tighter, "_I have **never** been treated in such a way…"_ he complained to himself.

"…I feel so…_violated_." He shuddered.

…

…

It was getting late at the old folks home…the end of another day there, and most of the old fogies were getting tucked into their beds for the long sleep before the suns rise.

After Vash unclogged his nose, he and Milly parted ways so that she could go find where Meryl went off to.

And so, seeing how late it was, Vash decided he may as well head back to his room and go to bed.

A fleeting thought crossed his mind as he turned the knob at his door on hall 3, now that Milly and Meryl were here posing as nurses…where is it that _they_ sleep?

Oh, if he had known how quickly his question would be answered.

"Hi, Mr. Vash!"

"Huh?" Vash opened the door to find not only his roommate Billy Bob, but also Milly and a slightly agitated looking Meryl—although she always looks slightly agitated it seems.

"Sorry, Vash," Meryl said, managing to look off in another direction, "But, we didn't have anywhere else to stay, and you had mentioned an extra bed in your room…"

Vash looked over at Billy Bob who was already asleep in his own bed, glanced at his bed in the middle, and then at the empty one on the other end.

"So…" Vash began, "There are _four_ people and _three_ beds…so who's going to…"

"Don't even think about it." Meryl glared at Vash suspiciously, "YOU sleep where you usually did. Me and Milly will share the extra bed."

Vash smiled and motioned to say something, but Meryl cut him off.

"Don't try anything funny." Meryl said as she went to her bed and covered up. Milly followed her.

Vash looked at her curiously, and pointed, "You're going to sleep in your nurse outfit? Isn't that uncomfortable?" he stated in surprise.

She sighed, "It's not like I have anything else."

Milly piped up, "Hey, Mr. Vash…Meryl could sleep naked…She said that she used to do that."

Meryl's eyes went wide and quickly clamped a hand over Milly's mouth as she continued mumbling on.

Vash smiled again, about to say something.

"Don't you answer that!" Meryl said sternly.

Vash shut his mouth and got in his own bed.

It was going to be a long night.

…

…

Meryl awoke suddenly, startled by a noise.

She surveyed her surroundings cautiously. Billy Bob was still in his bed. Vash was snoring softly. And, Milly was hogging all the bed cover and mumbling in her sleep.

"Zzzzzz…oh, wolfwood…yeah…sandwhiches…mmmm…zzzz…"

Meryl raised an eyebrow at her friend before settling her head back on the pillow to try to go back to sleep.

Suddenly she was awoken again.

"What is that NOISE?" She mumbled to herself.

"Zzzzzz….Mmmmm…Oooooo….Mmmmmm….Zzz…Ah…"

Then she realized, it was _Vash_…moaning in his dreams—a little _too_ enthusiastically.

She listened some more.

"Zzzz…mmm…oh, yeah…so good…so…mmmm…zzz"

Meryl made a face, "Oh that is so disgusting! What is that man dreaming about?"

"Zzzz…mmm…so soft…silky…luscious…mmm…gotta have you…zzz"

Meryl blushed as a fleeting thought crossed her mind, "Could…could he be dreaming about…me?"

"Zzz…mmm…oh, to taste you…HOLD you…zzz"

The red of Meryl's face deepened…until—

"Zzz…lick your tasty glaze and…_sprinkles_…mmmmmm"

Meryl could have screamed.

"Sprinkles? SPRINKLES!" She mentally cursed him.

Vash didn't know what hit him as Meryl grabbed the nearest object available to her—a heavy plastic potted plant—and hurled it at Vash's head.

"**This**'_ll_ teach _him_ to _dream_ about a _damned_ **donut**!"

The tree hit Vash square in the head, then bounced toward the center of his bed, so heavily, that it weakened the already weak springs—from Billy Bob's earlier fit of bouncing on it—causing the bed board to snap.

In short, poor Vash's bed collapsed, sending him flying onto the floor. Vash opened his eyes groggily, wondering what the heck just happened to him.

"Oops." Meryl said softly.

…

…

To Be Continued

…

…

What will happen? What is up with Knives? Did he enjoy his bath? What insanity will the next day bring? Is the end near?

Find Out Next Time!

…

…

Hey, I want to thank all my reviewers for making this my 2ndfanfiction to get 150+ reviews!

Keep on reading and reviewing, I appreciate it.

…

…


	21. Wild Crazy Night

…

…21

…

Soon, all the residents of the little room were awake from the racket. Well, all but Billy Bob.

Vash, Meryl, and Milly stood looking at Vash's destroyed bed. Vash whimpered slightly. Meryl cursed herself, she felt so bad for Vash. She had only meant to jolt him…not traumatize him by causing him loss of sleep and sanity. At least they had no clue it was Meryl's fault.

"Now, where am I going to sleep?" Vash pouted.

"The old guy." Meryl suggested.

"What?"

"Share the bed with him."

"No, way! He smells!" Vash complained sleepily.

Milly spoke up, smiling slyly, "Hey, I'll share the bed with Mr. Old Man and then you and Meryl can sleep together in the other bed!"

Before Meryl could protest, Milly went and hogged what was left of the old man's bed.

Meryl and Vash were left to stare at each other.

…

…

Meryl twitched slightly, her face turning red, while something resembling a nervous smile began to creep onto Vash's face.

Meryl glanced at Milly, before glancing at Vash, catching the expression on his face.

Meryl panicked, and moved away from where Vash was standing, over to where Milly was laying on the old man's bed.

"Uh, Milly!" Meryl whispered to her, "Why can't _you_ sleep with Vash!"

"Oh, Meryl!" Milly _shouted_, placing her hands on her cheeks all embarrassed-like, "I've…just… never thought of Mr. Vash in that _way_…" Milly giggled as she suddenly began to day dream of when Wolfwood and her—

"Wha?" Vash pondered aloud at Milly's loud comment.

"Milly!" Meryl shook her slightly, "Don't you know how to whisper?"

Meryl quickly spun around, feeling Vash's gaze upon her.

Meryl put on the biggest fake smile she could manage—she looked quite ridiculous—and walked over to Vash. "_Curse you, Milly!"_ thought Meryl.

Milly smiled slyly, lying back on the bed, "_My work is done." _She giggled to herself before drifting soundly asleep.

…

…

"Um…"

"Uh…"

"Yeah…"

"Soooo…"

"Yep…"

"Um…so…that's the bed over there…"

"…uh…"

"…so…"

"…I'm sorry."

"…Huh?"

Meryl turned away from him, "I… apologize for my behavior."

"What?"

"I'm sorry I got mad at you and stuck that food up your nose"

"Oh…heh…" Vash blushed at her and smiled.

"…"

"…"

Meryl turned to look over at Vash to see him smiling strangely and poking her shoulder as if trying to get her attention/say something.

Meryl looked down to see a bug crawling on her foot.

"AH!" Meryl yelled, as she shook her foot, trying to get the HUGE spider with really long creepy, creepy legs off of her.

The commotion was enough to wake Milly up.

"OH, Meryl, uh!" Vash exclaimed making hand motions of 'no no don't hurt it'.

"Yah!" Meryl yelled as with one powerful swing of her leg the bug went flying to the ground.

"Aah!" Vash said as he saw the bug tumble to the ground, fearing that it would die from the impact.

The bug bounced to the ground, set itself back upright and looked at all the screaming giants wondering what the hell was going on.

"Now, I got you!" Meryl lifted her shoe in order to squash the bug when suddenly—

"Here! This instead!" Vash exclaimed holding up a small cup to safely transport the bug away in.

Meryl frowned at him, "You can't put that," she pointed agitatitedly at the HUGE long legged spider bug, "in there!" she pointed at the tiny cup.

"Please!" Vash wined loudly. He was about to cry, "love and peace, LOVE AND PEACE!"

"Oh, Vash…" Meryl said softly as she came to her senses and decided to stop trying to kill the bug.

"Please?" Vash held up the little container.

Meryl sighed, "I'm telling you that that's not going to fit in there."

"Yes, it will!"

"I don't think it will, but go ahead and try," Meryl stepped aside and let Vash approach the huge spider.

It promptly scuttled away as fast as it could. Vash ran after it. "Ah…Eh! Ooph! Argh!" And after several attempts, he caught it safely.

Vash smiled as he held the tricky bug in its container, "See, Meryl! It did fit! Yay!"

"Hoorah." Meryl said flatly and sleepily, "Let's just go to sleep…I'm tired."

Vash yawned and headed to the bed. Meryl pushed him over to the far side, against the wall, and promptly put a pillow between them. Vash opened his mouth to protest, but Meryl had already fallen asleep.

Vash thought he heard a strange noise from the other bed, but he soon forgot it as he drifted off to sleep.

It was Milly. She had _heard_ the whole ordeal, but had not _seen_ what was going on. Unfortunately, the exact things that Milly heard were: "Ah! …Oh Meryl! …Yah! …Aah! …Now…Here…You can't put that in there! …please? …that's not going to fit… yes it will… go ahead and try… Ah…Eh! Ooph! Argh! … See, Meryl! It did fit! Yay! … Hoorah! … Let's just go to sleep…I'm tired." Plus, all the heavy breathing from running around the room trying to catch the bug did a lot for Milly's interpretation.

Milly was blushing excitedly and was trying to contain her glee. Naturally, she had put 2 and 2 together, but, unfortunately for her, this time it equaled 5.

…

…

Knives slept soundly back in his room once again, and dreamed sweet dreams.

"Ah! SNORE…zzz…so many…Ah!...run! the spiders are attacking the spi—SNORE…zzz…Ah!...zzz…huh?"

In his dreamland, Knives, in a butterfly suit with butterfly wings had been running down a path from some huge spiders twice his size, when suddenly they morphed into _donut holes_.

"zzzzz….zzzz…Wha….AHHHHHHHrgh!"

"!" Knives woke up from his interrupted dream. One of the spiders-morphed-into-donut-holes had flattened him Indiana-Jones-style.

"Ugh!" Knives mumbled angrily, "The dreams of my stupid brother must be leaking into my mind."

And just _what_ was Vash currently dreaming?

…

…

Meryl stirred in her blissful sleep. Vash's warmth so close to her, made her feel so comforted and stress-free. She wished that she could feel this way all the time.

Suddenly she was aware of a feeling she didn't so much like.

Meryl opened her eyes and was shocked to see Vash's foot not 2 inches from her face.

"WHAT!" Meryl jumped slightly, aghast.

But, she couldn't move far because of a heavy weight on her. Meryl moved Vash's foot out of the way so that she could see.

Vash was upside down, flipped around with his head at her feet and his feet at her face. Plus the pillow was gone and he was half-way on top of her.

Meryl was on her way to wondering how the heck he ended up that way when…

…she noticed that Milly was in the middle of the floor snoring loudly and hugging the missing pillow while mumbling something about sandwiches.

"What is _wrong_ with you people?" Meryl mumbled, "Am I the _only_ sane one here?"

Meryl was suddenly aware of a strange sensation at her feet. She wiggled her toes and felt something against them.

Meryl looked down and gasped.

Vash was hugging her leg and licking her toes in his sleep.

Meryl made a face that can only be described as a mix between "awe, that's cute" and "ewww, gross".

"zzzz….such yummy…SNORE…donut holes…zzzz" Vash snored as he started sucking on Meryl's big toe.

"Um…Vash?" Meryl started, "I think that's quite enough…"

"zzz…SPRINKLES!...zzzz"

"Um…Uh" Meryl tried moving her foot, but Vash's grip was too strong.

"Ah…" She couldn't move since he was so heavy.

"Er…" Meryl grumbled in defeat, laying her head back on the pillow, "This is so embarrassing."

"Oh, yeah, Wolfwood, ahhhhhh!" Milly suddenly exclaimed as she turned over.

"Can this get any worse?" Meryl asked the ceiling.

Suddenly, Vash's tummy rumbled, sending a fart of wind in the direction of the bug container, causing it to subsequently fall to the floor, then rolling on it's side, under the bed, and in the process, releasing the bug once again, as Meryl watched it scuttle away under the door and down the hall to destinations unknown.

"Why me?" Meryl grumbled.

"SPRINKLES! Zzzz…zzz"

…

…

The two suns of Gunsmoke had finally risen and the night was over.

Knives moved to turn over in his bed and wake up, but he suddenly found himself not-in-his-bed.

Knives flung open his eyes to find himself in a doctor's office, with not 1, not 2, but 3 physicians staring at him.

There sat them all, Dr. Brainstern, Dr. Smartzki, and Dr. HappyPants.

Apparently, they had dragged Knives in for an early morning appointment.

Dr. Brainstern brushed away the previous file they had been working on that read, "Gerald Bluesummers" and picked up a file that was stark and blank except for some menacing letters written in red pen that read "KNIVES" aka "Mr. Utensils".

Knives narrowed his eyes at the lot of them.

Dr. Brainstern peered at Knives to make sure that he was firmly strapped to the metal chair he was in.

Dr. Smartzki adjusted some papers on the desk before speaking, "Mr. Knives," he began, "We have called you here to tell you two things."

Knives decided to try to calmly listen…pretend to go along and all that.

"1st, since your brother did not agree to the whole changing his name so that you will willingly change your name to a less aggressive name, all three of us have agreed to simply reassign the both of you names, and be done with it."

"Mr. Vash Stampede in itself is too violent," began Dr. Happypants, "So, we are officially changing that to Mr. Vash Stampcollector."

Snicker. Snicker. Snicker.

Knives could no longer contain his composer.

"Bwa ha ha HA…ha!" Knives roared with laughter.

Dr. Brainstern stepped in, "I'm glad that you find this so amusing, because your name, Mr. Knives, will now be…"

"…Mr. Butterknives," finished Dr. Happypants, "Cause no one can get hurt with a sweet little butterknife, so smooth and happy…"

Knives was hit with uncontrollable anger, "you….YOU! Ah! Mumble muffle mumble!"

A nurse in the room had come behind him and muzzled him.

"MMMM! mmmMMMM!" translation: expletive! expletive! expletive! expletive!

"We figured you'd react this way, and thought ahead." Dr. Smartzki added.

"MMM! HMMM MMM MM!" translation: expletive! expletiving expletived explitive!

"Anyway, 2nd, due to your recent good behavior and raving recommendations from…several nurses…you have been deemed mentally sane and will be hereby released from the Crazy Old Folk's Home and placed in the regular wing of the Old Folk's Home."

"…" Knives was silent.

"We are glad we wont have to deal with you anymore…so don't screw up."

Under his muzzle, Knives smiled evilly.

…

…

Meryl snorted and awoke with a start. She moved Vash's foot once again to see Milly's troubled face.

"Meryl. Meryl!" Milly was visibly disturbed.

"Milly?" Meryl began, waking up, "Milly, what's wrong?"

"It's Mr. Old Man!"

"Milly, I can't move!"

Milly looked at the position Meryl and Vash were in and blushed.

"I know!" Milly said suddenly before bending towards Vash's ear and yelling, "DONUTS!"

"Gimme!" Vash yelled, waking up, sending Meryl careening onto the floor.

"Ugh." Meryl complained.

"Hmm?" Vash blinked, "What's going on?"

"It's Mr. Old Man!" Milly yelled as the three ran over to the other bed.

They all looked at him before Meryl spoke.

"Oh my…" Meryl said softly, "…he's dead."

Before Vash could start crying, there was a rustle at the door.

Wheels turned in Meryl's head, "Quick Vash! This is our chance!" Meryl ran and grabbed the chart from Vash's bed, "Switch them! Take his identity!"

"But…Meryl" Vash began.

"…Then, they'll think you're dead. After they take his body to the morgue area you can switch places. You'll be able to leave, and the world will think Vash the Stampede is dead…"

"…I'll be able to live my life…" Vash teared up.

"…in peace…" Meryl finished his sentence when suddenly—

The door opened.

"Hiya, roomie!" declared a voice.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed.

It was Knives.

…

…

To be continued…

…

…

What were those psychiatrists thinking? Is Knives really Vash's new roommate? Is Billy Bob really dead? Will Meryl's plan work? Will Milly ever confront Vash and Meryl about what happened that night? Will they correct her? Will Milly ever stop having hot dreams about Wolfwood? Will Vash ever taste a donut again?

Find out Next Time!

…

…

Review, Thanks!

Please please please please please review!

…

…


	22. Misconceptions

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed._

_It was Knives._

…

…

Chapter 22

…

…

"Kn—Knives!" Vash exclaimed in surprise, narrowing his eyes, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Why, brother," Knives smiled evilly, "I've been deemed relatively _sane_!"

"GASP!" rang out through the room.

"And _I_ have been assigned _this_ room…_roomie_." Knives wheeled himself inside the room in his wheelchair. He still could not walk since he had not healed from the gunshot wounds he had received from Vash during their duel.

Meryl eyed Knives with disgust and contempt.

Milly smiled happily as usual and chimed, "Hi_iiiii,_ Mr. Vash's brother!"

Meryl watched Knives carefully as she began to notice him looking her and Milly up and down as the insurance girls stood next to Vash, clinging to his arms.

Knives suddenly thought of something to say.

"Vash." Knives narrowed his eyes, "Do you remember our _agreement_?" He motions to the insurance girls.

"Um…" Vash tried to think.

"What are you waiting for, brother?" Knives gestured excitedly with his arms, "_They_ look ripe for the taking. Go _give_ it to um!"

"Eh?" Vash fumbled, nearly falling over at the sudden outburst.

"Give us something?" Milly blinked, before throwing her arms in the air, "Oooo, do we get presents?"

Vash began to blush profusely. He knew that he felt something for Meryl, but he had never thought of the 'Big Girl' in that manner. But, that didn't save him from having a split second vision of him _with_ both women. Vash felt half ill/half excited by the thought.

"What the hell?" Meryl was gaping at Knives...her blood pressure rising angrily.

Vash was twitching nervously as he was receiving threatening glares from Meryl while being watched carefully by Knives.

"See…uh…" Vash fumbled, "Um…"

"…Or." Knives nudged his brother slyly, "…have you knocked-them-up already?"

Vash fell over backwards, beet red in the face, with his tongue hanging out.

"Are you ok, Mr. Vash?" Milly asked concerned.

But Meryl had had enough of Knives' vulgar comments, "THAT'S ENOUGH!" She yelled, as she suddenly reached behind her and produced a hidden derringer from you-don't-want-to-know-where.

"Argh!" Meryl yelled like a maniac trying to aim her gun at Knives, but she was having trouble since Milly suddenly jumped in to restrain her.

"Is she really going to _shoot_ me?" Knives wondered to Vash, "Is _she_ really going to shoot _me_? She _wouldn't_ really _shoot_ me? She's _going _to shoot me? She's _really_ going _to_ shoot me? _Vash_, your human female would _really_ gun down an _old_ man in a _wheelchair_?"

"Meryl!" Milly cried, trying to control her.

"Bwah ha ha HA!" Meryl cackled as she aimed at Knives' head.

"No! Meryl, No!" Milly said as she held her tight, "Think happy thoughts! Think-happy-thoughts! Go_ooo_ to the happy-place!"

"Wow, Vash…" Knives commented as Milly got Meryl under control, "I think you'll need a _leash_ for this one."

Vash laughed nervously at Knives' comment as he picked himself up off of the floor.

"Remember Vash," Knives said as he rolled along in the chair to stare Vash in the face, "I'll put humans back on my _things-I-must-exterminate_ list if the human females of this planet don't start popping out Plant hybrids in a _timely_ manner. Heh heh."

"Uh…right, ri_iiiii_ght." Vash muttered quickly, nodding, while quickly moving to cover Meryl's mouth as she was about to shout all sorts of obscenities at his brother.

Milly took this opportunity to confiscate Meryl's derringer and hide it for safe keeping.

Knives, apparently satisfied with Vash's response, wheeled himself over to Billy Bob's bed curiously.

"What's with…_it_?" Knives questioned about the old not-breathing human in the bed.

Just then, another rustle came at the door. A nurse was about to enter.

Vash released Meryl as they realized that they must move quickly to switch the charts before it was too late.

Knives watched curiously as his brother and the female human rushed over to the bed on the far side, removed a chart-like object, and nearly ran over him as they pushed his wheelchair out of the way and swapped Billy Bob's chart for Vash's.

"I demand to know what you are up to, Vash!" Knives boomed.

"Oh, Mr. Vash's brother," Milly decided to answer the question for them, "We are just implementing our plan to get Vash out of the Old Folks Home."

"_Implementing_?" Vash and Meryl both stated in surprise.

"Milly!" Meryl said in a complementing tone, "I didn't know you could use such big words."

"So…," Knives began, "You're getting Vash out of this place…"

At Knives' sudden words, Meryl and Vash looked over at Knives nervously, until—

"…good, _good_…" Knives continued, "…Vash _will_ need to get out of here in order to spread his seeds to all the ripe human _females_…"

Meryl started twitching, the blood vessel on her head about to explode.

Vash blushed a deep red and twitched nervously.

Milly stared off into space.

This line of discussion was fortunately interrupted by the male nurse that finally managed to get the door open.

At the sound of the door opening, Meryl and Milly quickly hid under the two beds as they as "newly hired nurses" were not actually supposed to be in Vash's room.

The male nurse opened the door curiously after hearing raised voices. He opened the door to find Vash and Knives in the middle of the room, staring at him like deer in the headlights.

"What's going—" the nurse began before he saw Vash quickly point over at Billy Bob in order to distract from the fact that Milly's legs were obviously protruding from under the bed she chose to hide under.

"—Oh…" the nurse realized, "I'll send someone to take care of that."

…

…

And so, a little later… after the team that-takes-away-dead-people came to take Billy Bob away:

"Well," said one of the dead-people-removers, "I guess that covers everything Mr.—"

The guy looked down at his notebook of patient names.

"—Mr. Butterknives and Mr. William Bob. Our condolences on the passing of your retiree roommate Mr. Vash Stampcollector."

He then left, closing the door behind him.

Knives was frowning.

Vash was like, "Huh, wuh?"

"Stamp…collector?" Meryl questioned as she and Milly came out of hiding.

"…I guess that kills the idea of people shouting in the streets that 'Vash the Stampede is dead'."

…

…

So, after several moments of awkward silence, Knives rolled over to Billy Bob's bed and decided to claim it as his own. As Knives laid on the bed and got comfy—

"Why don't we go eat breakfast?" Milly suddenly piped up.

"OK!" Vash and Meryl replied quickly and shuffled off toward the door.

Milly giggled, seeing the two so close together.

As the group went out the door, Knives—left in the room—decided to make one final statement.

"Don't forget, Vash!" Knives called out, causing Vash to spin around in time to see Knives making a very _interesting_ gesture with his hands.

Vash frowned at him and decided to ignore him, but Knives would have the last laugh.

"You know, Vash…" Knives called out, "…you could always just get a sex chan—"

SLAM!

Vash mumbled under his breath as he slammed the door shut and locked it from the outside…before then heading off with Milly and Meryl to go eat 'breakfast.'

…

…

"Heh heh…" Knives mumbled to himself before drifting off to sleep again. Those doctors had interrupted his 'beauty' sleep—dragging him off to their office so early.

"zzzzzzzz…good…SNORE butterfly…zzz…SNORT…zzz…I hope Vash…zzzz…makes me some cute…SNORE… buttspiderflys….zzZZZ…"

…

…

Meanwhile, back over in the Crazy Old Folk's Home, Knives' old roommates sat alone.

"Soooo," Dumpy decided to break the silence, "Do you think that god lord Master Knives, god of sexiness and cool things is ever going to come back?"

"He _has_ been gone for a while…" Napoleon answered.

"What about his brother?"

"Eh…"

"Do you think Mastah Knives misses us?"

"No."

…

…

Vash, Meryl, and Milly waded through the crowd of old people in the cafeteria to find a seating place. Vash found a table and set down his tray of 'food' that he had just stood in line for 20 minutes to get.

Meryl and Milly sat next to Vash at the round, sky-blue, three-person table.

Meryl looked aggravated. Vash looked depressed.

Milly smiled at them.

"…the nerve of that man!" came a sudden outburst from Meryl, slamming her fists on the table.

Vash opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Milly.

"Hey, Mr. Vash?" Milly asked, pointing to his plate of food, "Are those donuts?"

Vash looked at his plate and frowned before banging his head on the table a few times, "No…these are _pretend_ donuts…bagels with _salt_ on them." Vash said sadly.

"…" Meryl stopped her train of angry thoughts toward Knives to look at Vash.

Vash was crying with his face in the table, and it was making the table wet.

"Oh, Vash…" Meryl said softly, deciding against her better judgment to scoot closer to him and give him a hug, "…it'll be ok, we'll get you out of here."

Unbeknownst to them, at Meryl's sudden show of affection, Milly was struggling to contain herself. She was smiling like a maniac, about to explode with giddiness.

Then Meryl just had to go and kiss Vash on the forehead.

"EEEEEEEEEeeeeee!" Milly abruptly squealed like a little school girl, startling Vash and Meryl half to death wondering where the fire was.

Just as Meryl and Vash turned to look at Milly, they saw her form leap up from her chair and run over to them, choking them in a big group huge.

"Oh!" Milly smiled at a visibly very confused Vash and Meryl, "I'm…so_ooooo_ happy for you two! eeeeeEEEEEE!" She started squealing again, jumping up and down in excitement.

"?" Vash stared at her and then at Meryl, seeking answers.

"?" Meryl shrugged her shoulders at Vash in reply.

"Oh!" Milly said, smiling ear to ear as she sat back in her chair, day-dreaming, "What will you name the _children_?"

"Eh?" was all a confused Meryl could manage.

"Chil…dren?" Vash said slowly, "Did I… _miss_ something?"

…

…

"zzz…my clothes…SNORE…where?...zzz…no…no don't do that…zzzz…stop…SNORT…aaah?...hmmm…Zzzzz…stop it….zzzz…hey wait…SNORE…no…zzz…yeah…SNORE…no…I didn't…Zzzz…I didn't know it could do that either…Zzzz…heeeeee…zzz"

Knives drooled on his pillow.

…

…

To Be Continued…

…

…

Will the chart-swap plan work? Will Vash go along with Knives plans, and if not, how will he fool him? Will Knives have more bathtime fun? Will Milly ever get the story straight? Will Vash get the donuts he so desires? And will Meryl be able to restrain herself from killing Knives? Will Vash make some buttspiderflys? Will I ever run out of questions to ask?

Find out next time!

…

…

Review! Pretty please? I appreciate all the reviews!

…

…


	23. Recreation

"_What will you name the _children_?"_

"_Children? …Did I…_mis_s something?"_

…

Chapter 23

…

…

Meryl and Vash continued to stare at Milly in a terribly confused manner. Her sudden outburst made no sense to them.

"Milly, wha—" Vash began with a raised eyebrow.

But, before Vash had a chance to question Milly further, a sudden grip came down on Vash's shoulder from behind.

"Nash the Slammedteen!" boomed the rickety voice of an elderly man.

"Huhwha!" Vash jumbled as he leaped up from his chair, obviously startled.

Vash's butt fell back onto the table, as Meryl and Milly turned—alert—glaring cautiously at the old man who caused the outburst.

Vash looked at the old man who was…well…old…rickety…and balding. No surprise there. Plus the guy was like 4.5ft tall—not exactly what one'd think of as "menacing."

"Um…mister?" Vash slowly prodded, but he was interrupted.

"Ay!" The old man tried to shake his cane fearsomely in the air, "I've come for ye, Nash the Slammedteen! Why, back in my day I was a…bounty hunter who—"

Vash gaped at him, and sweat dropped. "_Is this guy for real?"_

Meryl sighed, covered her face with her hand and shook her head. "_Nash the Slammedteen? What? Is he trying to say Vash the Stampede? What the hell?"_

"—a bounty hunter who fearsomely tracked yo behind all over this planet, and I—"

Milly blinked obliviously at the old man. "_I wonder who this Nash man is?"_

"—and I—" WHACK.

"You ain't nothing, you old coot!" Said a second old man who came from behind and whacked the first old man upside the head.

"Ow! You fart, what you think you doing?"

"First of all, it's 'Vash the Stampede'! Second, you ain't no bounty hunter and you never were!"

A third old fogey hopped up.

"But, we did meet a bounty hunter once, back in the day…"

"You sure that wasn't me?"

"We're sure!"

"Dagnapit!"

The old man, the old coot, and the old fogey looked over from their "little world" to see Vash, Meryl, and Milly attempting to slink away from the table and run down the corridor.

"Hey, wait! Come back!"

Vash and Meryl continued their escape from the crazies, but Milly happily turned around and came back.

Meryl tugged on Vash's sleeve as she turned around to see Milly chatting happily with the three weirdoes.

"Heh…heh…?" Vash laughed sarcastically as he looked at Meryl, smiled, and shrugged his shoulders.

…

…

"Ok, so, why did you want to talk to us?" Vash asked the three old men with his hands on his hips.

"Well," the old coot started, "It's recreation day, and we wanted to play this _game_, but it takes 6 players."

Meryl groaned.

Milly clasped her hands together enthusiastically, "Oooo, what are we going to play?"

Meryl opened her mouth to voice her objection to getting side-tracked, but then Vash reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"We might as well pass the time Meryl, it…it will be awhile before Billy Bob's body is transferred to the…morgue."

"Hmmm…" Meryl nodded solemnly.

"Let's go outside." Stated the old men.

…

…

Vash looked out at the desert. It was a large fenced in area. He vaguely took notice of the herd of wild Thomas off in the distance. There were only a few people about. He noticed off to the side of the building that there were several objects that resembled golf-clubs, and next to them were things that looked like hockey pucks—at least from what he had seen in pictures of earth that Rem had taught him about so long ago.

Meryl watched curiously as the three old men started setting the "hockey pucks" in a row on the sand, taking up a "golf-club" each.

Milly jumped right in and picked up her club.

Then it occurred to Vash, "Hey is this '_shuffleboard_'?" he said with some growing excitement.

"Shuffle… board?" the old man questioned, "Naw, never heard of it."

"Huh?"

"This here," the old man planted a finger towards the horizon, "is the game of Thomas-shuffle!"

"What the hell?" Meryl couldn't help but exclaim.

Milly looked at her and smiled, "You've been saying that a lot lately."

"How do we play?" Vash asked, taking up a club.

"The one with the most points wins."

Vash nodded as he spoke.

"You get 10 points for hitting the thingy over the gate with this doohickey." The man pointed to the club.

"Uh huh."

"You get 50 points if you hit one of those there Thomases." The guy pointed over his shoulder.

"Uh…"

"You get 100 points if you hit a Thomas in the head" The man pointed at his head.

"Oh…"

"You get 500 points if you hit the Thomas so hard that it tips him over." The old man made a falling gesture with his hands.

"Eh…?" Vash was starting to make a face.

"You can get 750 bonus points by swinging the club too hard and slinging it behind you, hitting one or more of the medical staff." The dude pointed at a nurse with a bandage on her head that ran away quickly as soon as she spotted him.

"…"

"And you get a whopping 10000 points if you cause a Thomas Stampede!"

Sweat started to pour from Vash's forehead at the mention of Stampede; he laughed nervously. "r…right…heh?"

"Ready to play?"

Meryl, Milly, and Vash nodded somewhat as they stepped up to the pucks.

But before Vash could swing…

"And remember, the points don't matter."

Vash nearly fell over, "WHAT? But you…you just said…"

"The points don't matter."

Meryl ran up and grabbed the old dude by the collar of his hot pink pajamas.

"WHY don't the points matter."

The old man looked at the three for a moment, lost in thought.

"What points?"

"HUH?" They yelled in unison.

"Points? Hmm?..." he looked around. "Hello there, who are you?"

"…"

"…who… are you…people?"

"…"

"Who… am I?"

"…"

"Mommy? Where am I at?"

"…" Meryl could only gape at the man.

"Is it time for school?"

"UGH!" Meryl yelled in frustration as she left the man in her dust and stormed off.

"VASH!"

"Yes, Meryl?" Vash backed up a tad, a bit worried.

"Let's just play this damn game and get it over with."

"Yea!" Milly yelled, hitting her puck with the club sending it flying.

Meryl and Vash watched as it flew over the fence…

…flew for several yards…

…heading straight for…

Meryl and Vash flinched at the puck hit a poor Thomas right in the behind, causing it to give a great yell.

"WARK!" it screamed, jumping about.

Suddenly a great roar began to build, "WARk WARK wark wark WARK WARKwarkwarkwarkWARK! WARK WAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!"

Meryl and Vash turned to look at each other. "_Oh, hell."_

…

…

rumble.

Rumble.

Knives wriggled his nose.

Rumble rumble.

Rumble RUMBLE rumble.

"Hmm?" Knives woke to bring up a hand to pick at his itchy nose.

rumblerumblerUMBLERUMBLE RUMBLE!

"?" Knives blinked, "What is… that noise?" he wondered.

BOOM! CRASH!

"!"

Knives stared, sitting on his bed with his finger up his nose in semi-shock as a Thomas suddenly burst through the center wall and went running right past him, sending pieces of debris onto his bed as it ran straight through the next wall, taking the wall, the door and everything right with it.

"WARK!" it screamed.

Knives barely had a chance to blink as an entire herd of Thomases came stampeding through one hole in the room and out the next.

"WARK warkwark! WARK! Wark WARK waRK! WARK! WAAAAAAahhhhhhhhh"

Knives managed to watch the unfolding mayhem rather calmly, finishing up his nostril cleaning.

"WAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" suddenly came a voice, getting closer…closer.

Knives peered semi-curiously out the hole that the Thomases were busting through to see some crazy person—desperately clinging for life to the side of a Thomas.

"WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH hahahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa nooooooooo!" Screamed Vash as he was taken for a ride by the Thomas he clung to in order to avoid being trampled.

Knives watched amused, as his brother went flying in one side of the room and out through the other—his head taking out a few more inches of the wall along the way.

"Whoa OooooooOOOOoooOOOOOooa! WHoooooooA!" yelled the voices of the insurance girls as they too, came tumbling through the walls of the Old Folks Home.

Knives smiled, reclining back onto his bed, quite pleased.

"Vash, the **_Stampede_**, …indeed."

…

…

"Oh, Meryl…oh…oh Meryl. Mmmmm!" Vash deepened the kiss.

"OooOOooohhhh…huh? Cough! hack?" He suddenly began to choke.

Vash opened his eyes.

In front of him was not Meryl, but a Thomas. A Thomas that had its tongue down his throat.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhh!" Vash screamed backing up quickly, spitting profusely.

The Thomas looked at him as little hearts began to appear above its head.

"Oh my God!" Vash gagged as he collected himself and took off down the hall, "I just got French kissed by a freaking Thomas!"

…

…

Meryl and Milly hopped off their rampaging Thomas friends in a timely manner and landed safely on the ground.

Milly dusted her nurse outfit off as Meryl took note of their surroundings. And their surroundings were total mayhem.

There were people running all over the place, and Thomases ran free throughout the Old Folk's and the Crazy Old Folk's home. There were holes in several walls, patients were escaping from their rooms and wandering unattended, and doctors and nurses were running around like Thomases with their _heads_ cut off.

A doctor suddenly noticed Meryl and Milly just standing there and ran over to them.

"All hands!" the young man yelled all panic-y, "We've got a code red, I repeat we've got a code 15 8, 19 8 9 20 situation here!"

Meryl and Milly blinked.

"Don't just stand there! We've got to round up the retirees and regain control of this situation! You should know what to do!"

And, just as suddenly as the dude appeared, he ran off in a hurry.

Meryl looked in deep thought, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

Milly turned to Meryl, worried, "I hope Mr. Vash is alright…"

…

…

Vash rounded corridor after corridor, tipping over a few Thomases along the way. He just HAD to make it back to Knives' room to make sure he hadn't escaped or anything.

Finally Vash appeared in his doorway, to see Knives—sitting all "pretty" in his bed smiling evilly with his arms behind his head.

As soon as Vash appeared, Knives—

"HAHAhahaha!" Knives grabbed his own stomach with laughter and pointed at Vash, "HAHAhahahaha!"

Vash's eyes narrowed, "What's so funny?"

"HAHA, the STAMPEDE, haha Vash the _Stampede_ Bwa haha Stam_pede_! HA HA hahaha! _Stamp_ede stampede _stamp_ede hahahahahah!" Knives pointed at Vash and snickered at him.

Vash frowned and his eye twitched slightly.

"Hmmm" Knives smiled, quite amused.

Vash sighed in tired frustration, "Come with me, Knives…get some food or something…let's go." '_So I can keep an eye on you'_ Vash thought privately to himself.

Knives, with nothing better to do, plus his room having been ruined, he figured he might as well follow Vash around a bit to make sure he was making progress at "gittin' busy" with the females.

Knives got up, and walked with Vash over to the lounge area.

…

…

On a hunch, Meryl and Milly made their way to the lounge area to look for Vash.

"What the…?" Meryl exclaimed.

Oh, they found him all right, but they could not quite believe the scene before them.

Vash and Knives were sitting at a square blue table, drinking _beer_.

"How tha? What tha? How tha?"

Vash looked up and waved over to them to come sit down.

"Hey, insurance girls!" Vash said, in a voice that seemed to indicate that he was beginning to get intoxicated.

Meryl gaped at him and then looked over at Knives who, with his feet propped up on the table was calmly sipping beer from a _wine_ glass.

"_Where_ did you get _alcohol_ in a home for _old_ people?" Meryl exclaimed, slapping her hands onto the table and leaning forward.

"The pathetic humans are just dishing it out." Knives stated matter-of-factly, not even bothering to gaze at Meryl.

Milly squealed in delight, "Alcohol! Whoo!"

Meryl watched in amazement as Milly ran off to the other side of the lounge where doctors and nurses were handing out glass-fulls to all the old people.

"Hmmm." Meryl thought, "So that's what that doctor meant. How irresponsible, to use such a base method to sedate everybody—free alcohol."

CLINK.

Milly plopped down in a chair next to Knives and clinked her glasses on the table. That's right, she got 3 mugs full for herself—right off the bat.

Meryl watched as Vash gulped down another gallon.

"This definitely isn't going to be covered by their insurance."

…

…

To Be Continued…

…

…

Up Next: Fun With Alcohol! What insanity shall befall dear Meryl, Milly, Knives, and Vash next time? Will anyone survive the chaos? How much longer can this go on?

Review! You make me so happy! Heh heh…

Please?

…

…

Author's notes/commentary (like DVD commentary…sorta…kinda…notreally)

I think I'm aiming for 26 chapters on this thing. Here's something new for the last few. Just in case anyone cares…or is curious…

Ch.1. The Thomas thing was what started it all. That and me watching too much Futurama (specifically 'insane in the mainframe'). Yeah, the Thomas thing was originally going to be a one shot type thing until I was hit with bizarre inspiration.

Ch. 2. Billy Bob's character was created solely to have dialogue with Vash. The name comes from nowhere in particular. Seemed like an average humor-ish name. I actually met some guy in an old folks home on some school trip years and years ago who thought he was like 30 when he was like 90...so sad.

Ch. 3. I had a teacher in high school that had Brain in their name. So weird. The setup of the psychiatrist's questions was inspired by a segment of Red Dwarf(tv show). Surely you all know the significance of the 666 as Knives room. Heh.

Ch. 4. The fourth old person incident that Meryl reads is derived from a joke on Red Dwarf. Vash's room number has no particular significance. And yes, Knives is saying kill all humans like Futurama's Bender. I'd bet they could be good friends. Naw…

Ch. 5. If I remember correctly, there was this episode of Rocko's Modern Life where they got stuck on a ship with all these old people and the food was just…ugh. I think it was somewhere around this point that I realized that "wine" is supposed to be spelled "whine", but, since no one seemed to notice, I figured it would confused people if I suddenly changed it. Thank you, reviewer, who did notice. "Whine" sure does not come up a lot in college papers. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had to spell "whine" at all. Vash seems to whine a lot in this fic.

Ch. 6. Making fun of male nurses was inspired by the movie Meet the Parents. The 3 guys playing dominoes are like supposed to be like those 3 guys that randomly show up on multiple episodes of Cowboy Bebop. Knives' muzzle is a la Hannibal Lector. I heard the Napoleon/God joke on Babylon 5, although I imagine it is an old joke. More next time…

…

…


	24. Fun With Alcohol

…

24

…

…

…

The lounge area of the Old Folk's Home was full of old folks getting their free beer. Most of them had subsequently found comfy chairs to fall out and snore in.

Around the middle table sat the group of four. It had been about 20 minutes since they had reunited after the Thomas-incident and they were starting to get relaxed—possibly due to the large amounts of alcohol a _few_ of them were consuming.

Knives continued to take his merry-little-time with his _wine_ glass of beer, propping his tired legs on the table.

Milly had nearly emptied all three of her glasses and was laughing giddily—though that was not unusual behavior for her.

Vash was gulping away at the stuff, even though he knew that he didn't have a very good constitution for it. But, at this moment he wanted to wipe his mind of this sad, donut-free, Thomas-stampeding, bad-old-people-smelling hell.

Meryl sat, eyeing Knives curiously while nursing her full glass that she had yet to take more than a sip from. Something was nagging at her mind.

"Knives," Meryl said cautiously, as she looked down at the chair he was sitting in, "…where is your…wheelchair?"

Knives narrowed his eyes at her.

Vash was so startled that he spit out his drink on Meryl who was sitting across from him. "I totally forgot about his wheelchair!"

Vash looked at Knives nervously, "You…can _walk _now?"

Knives grunted at him, "It's not like I had a choice."

…

…

Down the hall somewhere:

"Wwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeee!" A Thomas yelled as he went for a ride in Knives' wheelchair—another Thomas pushing him along.

A doctor, holding a drink watched wide-eyed as the pair speeded past him. He blinked. After a moment he looked into his glass in thought, before tossing it in the garbage. "I need to lie down."

…

…

"One of those _things_ ran off with my wheelchair in the stampede." Knives grumbled, staring at Vash "And it's all your fault."

"Uh…um…" Vash fumbled.

"Technically," Meryl spoke as she took a drink, "It was Milly's fault."

"BURP!" went Milly, "Ah…"

Meryl sighed.

Knives frowned.

Vash laughed nervously.

For a while there was awkward silence, until suddenly—

"Meow!"

"Kitty!" Milly exclaimed happily as Kuroneko had finally returned to her. The cat jumped to the middle of the table and meowed happily at Milly.

"Meow!"

"Hey, it's that cat." Vash stated the obvious.

"I know." Meryl said unenthusiastically as she watched as Milly tried to offer the neko some alcohol.

Milly giggled as the cat tried to stick its head down her glass.

"Uh, Milly…" Vash began worriedly, "I don't think that cats are _supposed_ to drink beer!"

"Hmmm?" Milly asked, as Meryl gently grabbed the cat's butt and tugged Kuroneko free from the beer glass.

Knives was watching the scene muttering to himself, under his breath.

Soon as the cat was free, Kuroneko noticed something on the ground.

Vash's eyes followed the kitty as he bounded off the table onto a spot on the floor.

Meryl and Vash's eyes went wide as the cat lifted his paw to reveal that freaking-_huge_ spider—the same one they had spent so long trying to corral in Vash's room.

"Ah! It's that spider!" Vash and Meryl exclaimed as they leaned over closer to see.

Knives ears perked up. He began to take notice of the situation, and began to smile, oh so evilly. He took another sip from his glass, and kept his eyes on the spider.

…

…

First, it appeared as though the cat was just playing with the spider—having some fun. Kuroneko pawed at the huge long legged spider, and the spider tensed up a bit, before rolling over and scuttling away. The cat followed, pouncing again, releasing the spider and pawing again.

"Aw, how cute…" Vash said, watching the scene.

The routine continued for awhile, but then, things got _ugly_.

Kitty _suddenly_ grabbed the spider by his body with its teeth and took hold of his _legs_ with his paws and pulled _really_ hard.

"!" Vash's eye's went-wide.

Meryl gaped at the scene.

"Meow!"

…Here a leg, there a leg, everywhere a spider leg.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHhh!" Vash screamed in horror as poor Mr. Spider was being torn limb from limb.

Knives wasn't helping the situation. In fact, he was giving an enthusiastic play-by-play.

"And the spider is down!"

"…and there goes one leg!"

"…and another!"

"And here comes another hilarious move."

"HaHA! The cat pulls off the last three legs all at once!"

Vash then watched in shock as Milly's sweet Kuroneko bit the spider's head off.

"Why?" Vash sobbed, "oh..WHY?"

Knives was beyond amused at the carnage.

Milly was staring off into space, dreaming of _other_ things.

Vash was losing it.

Meryl was beginning to get suspicious as she saw the kitty waltz over to Knives and give him a high five.

"The horror…" Vash sniffled, sobbing into his drink, "the _Horror_!"

As the kuroneko wandered away once again to parts unknown, leaving Vash unhinged and Knives trying not to giggle evilly and uncontrollably, Milly finally snapped awake from her own little world.

Looking around, and noticing that not every one seemed to be in good spirits, Milly made was she thought was a most _wise_ suggestion.

"Hey!" Milly yelled, smiling all around, "Let's play strip poker!"

…

…

"Strip…poker?" Meryl said slowly with curiosity.

"Yeah!" Milly said enthusiastically, throwing her arms in the air.

"Huh?" Vash sniffled.

"Milly," Meryl started, "Where did you learn to play such a game?" She eyed her friend questioningly.

Knives blinked, vaguely paying attention to the new turn in the conversation.

"Oh," Milly said with dreamy eyes, "Mr. Wolfwood taught me."

"Wolfwood taught you?" Vash asked with interest.

"Yeah," Milly smiled, "He said that it would be a _new_ and _interesting_ way for us to take our _clothes_ off."

Vash nearly choked on his drink at that statement.

Meryl nearly _spit_ her drink _out_. She swallowed hard.

"Milly, we really, _really_ didn't need to here that." Meryl stated for the group.

Vash gulped down another glass.

Knives stopped sipping his beer. "_Clothes…off?"_ he pondered, "_Hmmm…"_

"Human female," Knives suddenly addressed Milly, "I say that we should all play this…_Strip_ Poker."

"WHAT?" Meryl said in surprise at Knives' outburst.

"Wait…" Vash said, narrowing his eyes at Knives, "We don't having any playing cards."

"No problem!" Milly exclaimed, thrusting her hand down her shirt.

Knives, Vash, and Meryl watched curiously as Milly hummed a tune while searching parts unknown.

"Ta da!" She exclaimed at the surprise of everyone, holding up a deck of cards retrieved from her bra.

Vash clapped at the "performance" and gave Milly a standing ovation.

Meryl sighed, "What the heck kind of person keeps a _deck _of _cards_ in her _bra_?"

"Humans are such _peculiar_ creatures…" Knives mumbled.

…

…

And after Milly had already gone through all the trouble to deal out all the cards—

"Wait a second," Meryl said with aggravation, "We don't even have any chips to bet with!"

Milly thought for a second, then smiled.

They gaped in shock as she stuck her hand down her pants.

Meryl shook her head, '_there is no way…there is just no way that…I can't believe this.'_

Vash leaned over the table to get a better view.

Milly then giggled and removed her hand and shrugged her shoulders.

"Just kidding!"

"Uh!" Meryl slapped a hand on her own head, "Don't do things like that Milly."

"Well…Nicholas said that—"

"Oh, no…" Meryl said sternly to Milly, putting a hand over her mouth, "Let's not have any more 'Wolfwood said this' 'Nicholas said that', for the love of God….please don't say any more."

"But—" Milly replied.

"Well, personally I am curious to know about—" Knives began.

Meryl shot him a death-glare.

Knives gave an aghast look like 'How dare _she_ give _me_ a death-glare!'

"Guys…guys!" Vash decided to pipe up, "Love and _peace_, people!"

"Love and peace my _ass_!" It was becoming clear that Knives was starting to get agitated. That, or his medication was wearing off.

"Ugh!" Meryl yelled in frustration as she gulped down more alcohol.

"Hey!" Milly smiled, "I've just figured out how to make Strip-Poker fun-er!"

And then Vash, Knives, and Meryl watched Milly hop up, run over to the far side of the room.

"Fun-_er_ is not a _word_, Milly!" Meryl called out to her.

Milly came back with a full keg of beer under each arm.

"Milly!" Meryl exclaimed.

Milly laughed as she refilled everyone's drinks and spoke giddily, "Here are the rules to Milly's Fun-er Version of Strip Poker:"

"1. If you have the winning hand, you get what's in the center of the table."

"2. If you continue all the way through, and lose, you must take off one item of clothing and put it in the center of the table."

"3. Bets are sips. The stakes are raised by number of sips. It starts with just one from the glass, and the max is 5 sips from a glass before everyone has to show their hands."

"4. You can fold, to keep your clothes, but you have to finish your entire glass off."

"5. Free refills!"

"6. You lose permanently by becoming totally buck naked or having to go to the bathroom to pee."

"Let the fun begin!"

Vash smiled.

Meryl laughed nervously. "_I have a bad feeling about this."_

Knives smiled evilly. "_Perhaps, seeing the females naked is just the encouragement that Vash needs!" _He thought to _him_self.

…

…

2 and one-half _hours_ later:

"Eeeewwweeeuhhh…" Vash smacked his lips and looked blurrily at his cards. He was starting to get worried.

Meryl twitched slightly as she saw that her hand wasn't that good. She tugged at the itchy pajamas. "Ugh."

Milly smiled at the straight flush that she had in her hand—clothes piled in her lap.

Knives was wearing a sock.

…and everyone was glaring at Milly with some level of aggravation.

"I raise everyone by 2 sips!" Milly called out.

Vash tried to hold himself together. He was left with only his underwear—plus a lone sock on his right foot. He didn't want to think about where the other sock had ended up.

"I call." Meryl slurred. She was slightly better off than Vash—clothes wise. She had acquired Vash's pajama top, and she was thankful she still had her bra. Another thing she had was Knives' boxer shorts—which she was currently wearing since she lost her panties a short while ago.

"Fold." Knives said flatly. He only had one piece of "clothing" left—Vash's sock that he had won during his one and only win. He had lost everything else.

Milly was the only one that still had her original clothes on. She was on a winning streak. On the occasion that she did lose, she had a pile of everyone else's clothes as fodder.

"I…fold…" Vash said, whimpering as he drank up his glass.

Meryl cursed herself as she looked at Vash's bare body—he was naked, save for the underwear. She had been winning some—_winning_!—until Vash started losing all his clothes. "_Damn you Vash and your hot sexy body!"_ she said to herself. She just couldn't think straight anymore.

And, after another bet…Meryl too, folded.

"I don wanna play no mo…" Vash whined.

"I agree…" Meryl slurred at Milly.

"I am in need of clothing." Knives stated strongly.

Milly smiled, "Ok! I win! Let's play something _else_!"

Everyone sighed with relief as clothes were dished back to their rightful owners.

One keg down…another to go.

…

…

One thousand bathroom breaks later:

"What now?" Meryl addressed Milly as she returned to the table, somewhat sad to see that Vash was fully clothed again—save for one sock that he did _not_ want back under any circumstance.

"Let's play Truth or Dare," Milly exclaimed excitedly, "But…with _beer_!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, like ask a question, or make a dare, if the person doesn't wanna answer or do that dare, they can chug a mug!" Milly explained.

And so it began.

…

…

"I'll start." Milly stated. "Meryl, truth or dare?"

"Truth." Meryl replied, taking the safe route.

Milly pondered for a second before squealing excitedly, "When you and Vash have lots and lots and lots of cute little babies…what are you going to name them all?"

Vash choked and Meryl nearly fell out of the chair.

Milly noticed that Meryl was just gaping at her.

"Speechless?" Milly continued, not really giving Meryl a chance to answer the question in the first place, "That's ok, because I've already thought of the most adorable names!"

Milly started giggling and squealing all high pitched again.

Knives started looking around at the mention of _procreation_, while Vash and Meryl were giving each other glances of "wha?"

And then Milly whipped out a _list_ that she started to read: "There's Vashy and Vash Jr. and Vash Jr. jr. and Meryl Jr. and Vashykins and Veryl and Mash and little Vash and little Meryl and little Nicholas and little Nick and Nicky and Nick Jr. and little Wolfwood and Wolfwood Jr. and Wolf and Wood and Wolfy and Woody…"

Vash suddenly spit out his drink, "You may want to rethink that last one."

…

…

A little while later…

"Ok, Mr. Vash's brother, it's your turn!"

"Vash." Knives called to his brother.

"What?"

"Truth or Dare?"

"Truth. I don't wanna think of the dares that _you_ could come up with."

Knives grinned his evil grin, "When was the last time you had _inappropriate_ relations with a human?"

"What?" Vash slurred.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Meryl looked offended, "I thought you _wanted_ Vash to have relations with humans—lots and lots of humans at that." Meryl made a face at the thought. '_I want him to myself!' she cried mentally._

"Well, it _is_ inappropriate. We are superior beings. That's why he's going to be doing the _doing_ and not me. You puny insects are diseased, I'm not about to—"

Vash was getting angry at Knives rant, but he thought up a good drunken retort, "Knives!" he interrupted him, "Truth or dare."

Knives answer nonchalantly, "Truth. But as I was saying—"

Vash cut in with his question, narrowing his eyes at his brother and grinning slyly, "When was the last time _you_ had inappropriate _relations_ with _yourself_?"

Knives shut his mouth and turned his head to glare into his brother's eyes, speaking out of turn:

"When was the last time you had inappropriate relations with **_your_**self?"

Vash scrunched up his face at Knives in aggravation, but before he could make a witty comeback, Milly suddenly exclaimed:

"Oooooo! BURN!" She slapped her hand on the table in excitement, "Ha HA ha! Zzzzzz…"

She then fell over in her chair—leaving only her dangling feet visible as they jutted straight in the air.

"Oh, Milly…" Meryl sighed in embarrassment.

Vash and Knives looked like they were about to wildly lunge at each other at any second.

…

…

To Be Continued…

…

…

Up Next: Truth and dare gets out of hand and even crazier stuff happens! Why did Milly have a list of children's names handy? Will they ever get back on track with the escape plan? How much longer till they run out of alcohol? Will Meryl ever get it on with Vash? Will Knives ever get it on with anybody? Will questions ever stop being asked? Did Knives enjoy wearing a sock?

…

…

Disclaimer: Don't try this at home. Don't do drugs and alcohol. Don't go streaking. Stay in school.

…

…

Reviews make me want to Update! Thanks!

…

…

Author's commentary:

Ch.7. Billy Bob's pajamas are yellow, because he peed on them (as in wet the bed). I'm sure you got that. The names of the old people here are mostly just what I thought sounded like average old person names. Except: Petunia is the name of a semi-old lady on Futurama that kind a pops up sometimes & Crazy Pete is in reference to a crazy man that had a bird named Pete on Red Dwarf. Captain Picard is the captain of the starship Enterprise on Star Trek. Jenkins is the name of an old-man fish on SpongeBob and Pooty-pant's pants are brown for the same reason that Billy's are yellow.

Ch. 8. The happy song was an annoying song I heard on Rugrats. Knives' medication high was partially inspired from a scene in Futurama where an Alien ate a hippie that was high on drugs.

Ch. 9. For the janitor and his weird accent I was going for, I was thinking of a cross between Mario "It's a me a Mario!" and some guy with a weird accent on Futurama. His names Jan cause he's a Jan-itor. How creative of me(!). The elephant thing…well, I figure that in his life Knives hasn't seen many truly old people. Coming up with the weird-ass names was one of the most fun things for me in this fic. This was the chapter I left off on for a long while. When I came up with the idea, I had it all in my head through this point.

Ch. 10. Bushoukarashinseikuyurasuamatatabako basically stands for, roughly translated (I was using an online dictionary translator thingy) means "Commander of God's oath to smoke many cigarettes" & _Mickoret_ as like Nicorette gum. BMW like the _car_ BMW. Wolfwood's parents spontaneously combusted because they smoked so much. Where do salmon sandwiches come from when there are no salmons? They are eating kitty cats. AAH!

Ch. 11. Dr. Happypants is a reference to "happy tree man" that painter guy on TV that paints happy trees and happy bushes and happy mountain streams. Shiro-neko White cat. Honoo-neko Flame cat and with 2 tails is a reference to Kirara from Inuyasha. Pooneko's the color of poo. Legato and the toucan. Don't think about that one too hard ;)

Ch. 12.  The flashbacks were stand alone stories I came up with while working on this, but I thought it would add to the hilarity to stick them in here. I think the Legato origin one is so funny. Kenshin as in Rurouni Kenshin. This is funny because Kenshin has a similar personality as Vash.

Ch. 13. Staccato is the opposite of Legato in technical musical terms. For some reason I think it is hilarious to threaten characters with being neutered. It's too funny. The blonde girl that Vash talks to is somewhat a jab at "Mary-sues." More chapters next time.

…

…


	25. Truth Or Dare

…

_Vash cut in with his question, narrowing his eyes at his brother and grinning slyly, "When was the last time _you _had inappropriate _relations _with _yourself_?"_

_Knives shut his mouth and turned his head to glare into his brother's eyes, speaking out of turn:_

"_When was the last time you had inappropriate relations with _**your**_self?"_

…

…

Chapter 25

…

…

…

Vash jumped up to attack Knives, but at the last moment lost his balance and whacked his head on the table on his way to the floor. Knives laughed at his brother loudly before going back to sipping his drink. Poor Vash slowly made it back to his chair and looked at Knives who was staring him down. Vash tried to remember why he jumped up a second ago, but the hit to his head had jumbled his brains a bit.

As soon as Vash finished recovering himself, they realized it was Milly's turn. By some miracle, Meryl managed to get Milly awake and up off the floor and back to the game at hand.

Truth or Dare…

Milly looked around smiling silly and yelled, "Dare!"

"But Milly," Meryl said confused, "It's your turn to ask the question, not answer it!"

"Dare, dare, dare!" Milly chanted blurrily, grinning ear to ear, and swaying from side to side.

"Oh, alright!" Knives grunted, growing aggravated at the annoying noise coming from the big girl, "I'll recant my last turn and give you a dare…"

Meryl watched Knives cautiously, wondering what horrors he could possibly say.

Knives brought a hand up to his chin, rubbing it in deep thought while staring at the ceiling, before bringing his eyes down to rest on the insurance girls.

He smiled slyly and stated with a perfectly straight face, "I dare… you two human females to _kiss_."

Vash's eyes went wide.

"…" Meryl was shocked speechless. She shot a glance at Vash as if to say, '_Is he serious?'_

Vash misinterpreted her glare and quickly started shaking his head and waving his arms, "_Oh no, nono…I didn't have anything to do with this! Not my idea! Notmyidea! I didn't do nothing! Please don't hit me with anything!"_

This was certainly an unexpected turn of events. Who would ever have thought that Knives could come up with something so….

"Ok!" Milly said nonchalantly.

"Eh?" Vash and Meryl screeched in unison, taking a double-take at Milly.

"Heh. Heh. Heh." Knives grinned. '_This oughtta get Vash's motor running.'_

Vash narrowed his eyes at Knives and turned to look at him, raising a hand as if to scold him.

But, in the blink of an eye, before Vash or Knives or Meryl could react, Milly jumped up, grabbed Meryl, picking her up, pecked her on the cheek, and sat a stunned Meryl back down in her chair before returning to her own seat.

"Yay!" Milly exclaimed happily, as she went back to drinking.

Meryl blinked.

Knives gaped.

Vash turned his head from looking at Knives to looking at Meryl and Milly.

"What happened?" Vash asked.

"Milly completed the dare." Meryl stated unenthusiastically.

Vash blinked, "I missed it?" He said somewhat sadly.

Meryl shot Vash an aghast expression.

"He missed it?" Knives complained.

Vash nodded.

Knives pointed at Meryl and Milly smiling hopefully, "Could you maybe… do a do-over?"

Milly blinked.

"ARGH!" Meryl screech as she attempted to jump over the table and attack Knives.

This time, Vash had to restrain her from getting too close to Knives, but that didn't stop Meryl from grunting with anger while reaching her arms out over the table as far as they would go, making choking gestures in the direction of Knives' neck.

"Well I never…" Knives stated as he shifted in his seat, crossing his legs and taking another sip from his wine-glass.

…

…

It took a while for Meryl to cool down, but once she did, she began formulating her plan of attack.

"Ok, Meryl," Milly said cheerfully, "It's your turn to ask the question."

"_Hmmm…"_ Meryl thought, "_What should I do?"_

She looked over at Knives and his crazy self. "_I could go the obvious route get sweet revenge…"_

"_Or…"_ Meryl thought, looking over at Vash, "_I could try to use this ridiculous game to get back to why we came here in the first place."_

"Vash!" Meryl called out.

Vash twitched slightly, "Yes, insurance girl?" He slurred.

"Truth or dare?" Meryl said hurriedly.

"Uh…tru—"

"Say dare, Vash." She commanded.

"Huh?"

"Say dare!"

"Why?"

"It's important."

Vash looked over at Knives, worried at what dares Meryl might come up with.

"I don't wanna…" Vash whined pathetically.

Meryl grinned playfully, "I'll _leave_ you _here_ to _rot" _She said in a sing-song tone.

Sniffle. "Dare." Vash relented.

Meryl pointed over Vash's shoulder, "Vash, I dare you to get that old lady over there to fork over her blue lipstick."

"WHAT?" Vash said in confusion, "But…why?"

"I've had enough of this wasting time, Vash" Meryl sighed, "Me and Milly came here to rescue you. In order to do this, we should get back to the plan."

Vash nodded slowly.

"And, in order to complete that plan, we need blue lipstick to make you dead-looking so that you can get out of here in Billy-Bob's-body-bag." Meryl continued.

"And also kitty will pee on you to make you smell bad!" Milly chimed in.

Vash grasped his tummy and looked ill at the comments.

"So, Vash" Meryl gestured, "Go on and get the lady to give you the lipstick."

"But," Vash began, getting up from his chair, "Why would she give it to me?"

"I dunno." Meryl said, shrugging her shoulders, "Pretend you're effeminate or something."

"WHAT?"

…

…

Vash sighed, "Do I have to?"

"It is a dare after all."

Vash summoned his courage and wobbled away from the table, heading over to a couch across the way in which was seated one very old wrinkly woman.

As Vash grew closer, his eyes went wide in recognition—it was the same old woman with triple thick glasses who tried to seduce him, and nearly pulled his arm off during his escape.

"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no." Vash mumbled as he drew closer.

But, this was the only old lady in the immediate vicinity with the sky-so-blue shade o' lipstick, so there would be no escaping this time.

Knives watched curiously at Vash's predicament. He noticed that his brother was shaking. A little old lady causing such fear in his brother? Unacceptable.

Without giving any explanation, Knives got up from his chair and followed Vash, giving only one comment to the insurance girls:

"I'll _help_." Knives said evilly.

…

…

"You want my _lipstick_?"

"Yes, ma'am." Vash spoke with caution, his eyes darting nervously all about.

The old lady scowled at him, "Look, _sugar_," She looked him up and down, "You _hott_ chunk of _man_, first you run out on me and now you demand my lipstick?"

"Uh…um…" Vash fumbled.

The old lady smiled, causing her face to wrinkle twice as much as before. "How about a compromise…You and I go back to _my _place, and _I'll _put on a whole extra gob of my blue lipstick on…_just_ for _you_." She spoke in a disturbingly sexy voice.

"Eep." Vash squeaked.

"What do you say, _sugar_?"

"I say…uh" Vash looked at the old woman who was staring at him with hungry eyes as though he were a piece of meat. His mind raced for a reply, "Uh, uh… I'm…I'm already seeing somebody else?"

"Oh, _toot_!" The woman exclaimed, "How dare you!"

Vash opened his mouth as if to say something, but he was interrupted.

At just that moment, Knives came up behind Vash suddenly, draping his arms around Vash's shoulders and clinging onto him tightly. Knives rested his head on Vash's shoulder and grinned evilly, moving his eyes over to look at Vash's horrified face.

"'How _dare_ you', indeed." Knives stated playfully.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh!" Vash screamed.

…

…

"How's it going, _sweety-kins_?" Knives cooed at Vash, hugging him tighter.

"Get off me!" Vash cried.

The old woman started to get the idea.

She sighed sadly, "Oh, _I _see."

"Nooooooo…" Vash pleaded shaking his head, "You _don't_ see!"

Knives was breathing in his ear.

"Ugh," The old woman complained, "Why…oh why do all the men I _want_ turn out to be—"

"Hey!" Vash exclaimed as Knives grabbed his butt.

Vash quickly swatted his hand away, "Stop it!"

"What's wrong, _pumpkin_?" Knives smiled creepily, and held out his arms like he wanted a hug.

As Vash attempted to hold Knives-at-bay at arm's length, the old woman offered Vash her lipstick.

Vash watched as she placed it in his hand.

As she began to walk away, Vash cried out, "You don't understand… he's just my brother!"

The old hard-of-hearing woman called out to Vash, on her way down the hall, "I'm sure the lipstick will look great on your _lover_…it'll match his pretty eyes."

"Ack! I said _bro_-ther not _lov_-er!" Vash screamed at the top of his lungs.

Knives smiled at Vash's torment and took advantage of Vash's moment of inattention, to hug him again.

"Ack!" Vash muttered in surprise.

Knives smiled at his brother, "I wuv you" he said with playful sarcasm.

"Knives!" Vash complained sternly, "You're _creeping_ me out!"

Knives laughed maniacally, as he finally let Vash go.

Meryl, watching from afar, was beet red and wide-eyed from the display.

…

…

Another round of truth was completed without incident. And once again it was Meryl's turn. Her mind returned to the incident a few minutes ago, when Knives draped himself all over Vash in order to help the group acquire the lipstick that much quicker.

"Knives."

Meryl was extremely embarrassed to admit to herself that not only did Knives' actions make her somewhat _jealous_, but seeing the extremely attractive Vash the Stampede and his twin like that actually turned her _on_! In denial, she chalked up that last bit as being because of all the alcohol.

"Truth or Dare?"

Still, she wished some sweet revenge for what Knives' had dared Milly to do earlier, and Meryl herself was curious…

"Dare."

_He's making this too easy_, Meryl thought.

"I dare…," Meryl said amused, "I dare… you and Vash to kiss."

She just couldn't help herself.

"Hell, no" came the swift reply simultaneously from both parties.

And in some part of her mind, Meryl was a little disappointed.

…

…

Vash was not amused. After how Knives had scared him for life, Meryl goes and tries to make it worse? Oh, no. Vash decided he would have some fun with his next several turns.

"Meryl, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"How many boyfriends have you had in your lifetime?"

Meryl scowled at him at his cheap-shot question and downed her glass instead of dignifying him with an answer.

Knives decided to follow Vash's suit with his own, more crude line of questioning.

"Height-deficient human female?"

"Ugh. Truth."

"How many boyfriends have you **_had_** in your lifetime?"

Meryl grumbled, and chucked her empty glass at Knives' head—which he easily dodged—before downing another glass to avoid the question.

Milly was starting to loose coherence again as it became her turn. She liked drinking a little too much. Since she lost the ability to form her own thoughts, she decided to ask her question along the lines of Vash's and Knives'.

"Meryl, when was last time got kissy _kissy_ with a boy hehehe?" Milly slurred.

"Ugh." And Meryl downed yet another glass as Milly continued to babble:

"I have 3 separate stomachs, one for sandwiches, one for ice cream, and another one for alcohol, BURP!"

As Meryl was forced to take many drinks, she began to think she was quite drunk. And so, with her next turn, she decided to ask the question that she was afraid to know the answer to.

As Vash answered her call, with 'truth,' she asked him—in not any where near a state that could be called calm, "So how many girlfriends have YOU had in YOUR lifetime, **total**. _Huh_?"

She was starting to lose her usual emotional composer and was starting to get a little too invested in the questioning.

Vash was a little surprised by the question. He looked at Meryl worried. She sure was acting strangely. Plus at the moment, Meryl was making a weird face.

Vash paused to think. He was taking a little too long for Meryl's tastes—way too long. Meryl took another drink—like that's a smart idea. She began to see things that weren't there. Meryl looked at Vash's expression and all she could read into it was:

"_Oh look at him…he has to count, I bet he's adding them all up in his head. So many girlfriends…way too many women…so many others…taking him away from me…_hiccup_!"_

By this point Meryl figured that she had had so many drinks that she must be blitzed enough out of her head to spill her guts to Vash about how she feels about him. "_Why not?" _she figured.

And, for a while, there was a long pause of silence in which Meryl downed 2 more glasses of beer.

"Well…I dunno…" Vash said slowly as he attempted an answer to Meryl's truth question.

To say that he was quite shocked when a crazy-eyed Meryl suddenly leapt from her seat onto his lap and grasped him around the chest was an understatement.

Vash didn't even have a chance to voice a "Huh?" before Meryl—

"GIVE ME YO' BABIES!" She screamed in a slurred manner, tugging at Vash's shirt.

"…"

"I _want_ yo' babies! _Give_ me your babies!" Meryl started shaking him by the collar of his pajamas.

Vash could only gape at her in pure shock.

Milly was also at a loss for words.

But Knives…oh Knives, is never at a loss for words.

"_What_ are you _waiting_ for man?" Knives pointed at Meryl, "Give her your babies." He said while making quote signs with his hands.

…

…

Vash blushed profusely at Meryl's outburst before turning to roll his eyes at Knives's rude statement before looking again at Meryl who seemed to have passed out and was currently drooling on his pajamas.

Milly, who came over to help remove Meryl from Vash's lap, ended up just sending Meryl falling to the floor.

Thud.

"Ow…" Meryl managed sleepily.

Knives leaned back and took another sip of beer from his wine glass.

Vash hiccupped and burped. He took a moment to survey the slurry of empty glasses on the table—many of them recently downed by Meryl.

Some old guy happened to pass by the group's table.

He takes a look at Meryl, sprawled out in the floor.

"What's going on here?" the bald wrinkled man asked, adjusting his glasses.

"She's had a few too many, I think." Vash replied.

The man blinked.

"What are you talking about?"

The old man looked at their curious faces.

"You _do_ know that this is _non_-alcoholic alcohol, right?"

"…WHAT did you say?" Vash exclaimed, suddenly sitting straight up in his chair.

Knives snickered as he simply smiled knowingly while sipping his glass.

"The drinks are non-alcoholic." The man laughed, "They ain't _crazy_ enough to give _REAL_ alcohol to senior _citizens_, don't ya know!"

"WHAT?" Meryl suddenly bolted up off of the floor, perfectly sober—which was _news_ to her.

"Hmmm?" Milly tilted her empty glass upside down and peered into it curiously. She pouted slightly.

"I can't _believe_ this!" Meryl shouted, pulling herself together, "I can't be_lieve_—"

Suddenly her eyes met Vash's and she remembered her "drunken" statements to him moments earlier.

Meryl closed her eyes and muttered, "Someone…please…just kill me now."

"I'd love to." Knives said matter-of-factly, sipping away at non-alcoholic beer in a wine glass.

…

…

To Be CONCLUDED

…

…

How will it all end? Shall Vash finally taste freedom and donuts? And what of Knives? What is going on with Milly? And, will Meryl get what she wants? Will these questions truly be the last ever asked?

…

…

Review Please! I appreciate all my reviews! Thank you all so much!

…

…

Author's Commentary:

Ch.14. I always wanted to do my version of how Vash and Knives got their names. Gerald just seemed like an average yet inexplicably humorous name for an imaginary friend. I randomly came up with the worshiping Knives' as a god thing. It's even funnier to me that after writing those chapters I read one of the manga volumes that mentioned that some humans worshiped the Plants. Huh.

Ch.15. Knives, god of sexiness and cool things. Cool things because I could think of nothing…cooler? Heh. I dunno.

Ch.16. The barbeque reference has to do with one of my other fics in which Knives decided to eat and barbeque humans. The poor Thomases sure get eaten a lot. "One two blowup my shoe" is a filk from one of my other fics. Oh, dear. Knives plan. I think that the whole second half of this fic was written just so that Knives could say that line to Vash at the end of this chapter.

Ch.17. Knives plan. I was surprised by how some people didn't get how horrific it would be for Vash. Not only is it bad because of the multiple counts of incest involved but their children would end up pretty stupid due to the genetics of it all. Also, when Knives said all the females he meant _all_ of them. And not all of them are going to willingly get with Vash. You catch my drift? Very, very bad stuff. And the gate? Wizard of Oz reference.

Ch.18. This chapter was written in kind of a hurry. Knives' dreaming was inserted to add more humor.

Ch.19. I came up with the chapter title, which then led to said chapter. Ah, nekkid Vash. They serve corndogs and tater tots far too often at college.

Ch.20. The females nurses are all in love with Knives because he is the hottest "old man" they have ever seen. I bet you wanna know what went on during _his_ spongebath. Heh. Heh. I'm sure you can guess.

…

…


	26. Knives & the Old Folks Home

…

…

Chapter 26

…

…

"_You do know that this is non-alcoholic alcohol, right?"_

"…_WHAT did you say?" Vash exclaimed, suddenly sitting straight up in his chair._

_Meryl closed her eyes and muttered, "Someone…please…just kill me now."_

"_I'd love to." Knives said matter-of-factly, sipping away at non-alcoholic beer in a wine glass._

… …

… …

… …

Grand Finale

… …

… …

… …

Meryl was dying from the embarrassment—the words she had uttered to Vash so "drunkenly" haunted her. Knives was wallowing in the groups suffering and confusion, and what was to him, a quite hilarious situation. Vash was dumbstruck as usual—he too thought that he had been drunk. But then, He realized that if it had been real alcohol, he would have been throwing up all over the place. Milly's eyes bubbled with tears. She wanted some real alcohol damn-it!

Vash sighed and looked over at Meryl who was twitching all over the place in a nervous breakdown.

"Um…Meryl?" Vash questioned, smiling a friendly smile.

"UmI'veGotToGoooooo!" Meryl spit out and she high-tailed it to the nearest bathroom.

Milly watched Meryl before her eyes got really wide. "Wait, Meryl!" Milly yelled as she ran to the bathroom as well, "IneedGoPeeeeeeeeeeeeToooooooooooooo!"

Knives twitched slightly and scratched at his ear, looking over at Vash in an unamused manner and narrowed eyes.

"The large female is quite shrill on the ears," Knives frowned, "It seems her brain makes no distinction between real and fake alcohol….ah…huh?"

Knives blinked.

Vash was gone from his chair, yet it was spinning around.

Knives grunted as he saw Vash in the distance gripping himself in an unseemly manner as he danced along in a hurried attempt to make it to the men's room.

"He makes fools of our _species_," Knives sighed in an aggravated manner, "I'll have to be sure and kill him once he's done spreading several generations of genetic material all over the planet."

Knives pondered a moment, "Hmmm…no…" Knives smiled, "I _could _just cut out his tongue…"

Knives grunted as he saw Vash in the distance chatting loudly with a group of old men exiting the bathroom.

But, then, something caught his eye—a newspaper on the table, that had a very _interesting_ advertisement.

…

…

"Milly! Hurry up, we've got to go!" Meryl waited impatiently in front of the bathroom mirror.

"…" Milly replied finally, "Uh huh…"

Meryl took a long look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was in a mess and her face looked weary and tired. Meryl blinked a few times and poked her face.

"Is this the face of someone that _he_ could fall in love with?" Meryl mumbled.

"Yep!"

"Gah!" Meryl yelped as she heard Milly's resounding voice and a toilet flushing.

"You've just got to get his attention," Milly quipped happily, leaning down to Meryl, where she could see her face at eye level, looking into the mirror, "Vash may be different, and more intelligent than a human…"

"…_allegedly_—" Meryl managed to get in one sarcastic remark.

"…but he's still a man!" Milly patted Meryl on the back a little too enthusiastically, and Meryl shot her a glance that she did not see before gazing into the mirror again, "And as a man, Vash is as _dense_ as a _brick_."

Meryl blinked and looked in the mirror, "That _man_…that idiot…" Meryl smiled.

Milly smiled, "You've just got to do something so obvious that he can't miss it."

Meryl decided to give up trying to hide her feelings about Vash from Milly, after her crazy outburst earlier, the entire Old Folk's Home must know that some crazy broad wants the mighty Vash the Stampede to "Give her his babies."

Meryl sighed, "What should I do?"

Milly pondered a moment.

"You could always flash your breasts at him!" Milly smiled.

"WHAT?" Meryl was shocked that Milly would say such a thing.

Milly was oblivious to Meryl's shock, "Yeah, that always worked real well back in my hometown when they celebrated Maid-_ee_-Graw…which was a celebration handed down from earth or something in which we played Old Maid a lot and got free ice cream and cake tossed at us by cute boys that rode on Thomases who had their faces painted and marched down the main road in town…"

Meryl gaped at her.

"…but then one time I made the mistake of lifting my shirt at my little-big brother who was in the parade, and my big-big sister and my little-big sister caught me and my mother was very upset with me and..and…

Meryl sighed, "And?"

"They wouldn't let me eat ice cream or cake for a month!" Milly sniffled as her big eyes filled with tears.

Meryl was about to comfort Milly, when suddenly she sucked up her tears and started smiling.

"Plus…Wolfwood always loved it when I—"

Meryl's blood vessel on her forehead was about to pop and she slapped a hand over Milly's trap, "What did I tell you about telling me stories about you and Wolfwood's bedroom antics?"

…

…

"Vash."

"What?" Vash asked casually, as he strolled back over to the table that Knives was sitting at.

"I grow tired of the company of these pathetic creatures."

"Meaning?"

"I want to take a nap."

"…"

"…"

"Knives?"

"What."

"I've been meaning to ask you…"

"Yes?"

"Why is it that you have been wearing a fluffy pink bathrobe with bunny slippers, instead of pajamas like everyone else?"

Knives fumed, "Be_cause_, I was wearing the clothes you brought me in, until I was…so rudely…_bathed_…in which I was stripped of my clothing, and left only with my underpants and…with…with _this_."

Snicker. Snicker. Snicker.

"Stop it, Vash! I mean it!"

Snicker. "I…um," Vash was trying desperately not to laugh, "I'll take you by the front desk before we head back to our room."

Snicker. Snicker. Snicker.

Grrrrrrr…

…

…

"Mer…Meryl"

They had almost made it out of the bathroom when Milly started to whine.

"My tummy hurts…" Milly clutched her stomach.

"Milly?" Meryl looked at her friend with concern, "What's wrong, Milly?"

"I…think," Milly gulped, "I…think I drank too much."

Meryl blinked.

"I gotta throw up…"

Milly rushed to a stall to do so.

"But…" Meryl pondered, "That doesn't make sense…it was non-alcoholic alcohol!"

Blech. Bleeeeeeh. Bluuuuuuh.

"I…think I'll wait outside."

…

…

Meryl walked outside, and was surprised to find that Vash and Knives were gone. She waited a few minutes outside the bathroom before figuring that they had gone back to Vash's room.

Soon Milly appeared—a tad green in the face, but feeling better.

After a few moments, they were on their way, Meryl figured that they could all use a rest in Vash's room.

As they rounded the walls of hall 3, they were met by a few Thomases still being herded out of the building by nurses.

They were somewhat surprised to find that during their several hours of incapacitation at the hands of wild partying—if it could be even called that—the gaping holes in the walls around the Old Folk's Home, left by the Thomases had been mostly plugged up with temporary boards, quick dry foam, and plaster—including the huge gaps in the walls of Vash's room.

As they opened the door they heard raised voices—the tail end of a conversation.

"I…snicker…haha…I'm sorry Knives, that was the only…snicker…one they had left!"

Several more rounds of muffled laughter were heard as well as a rising growl.

Meryl opened the door to see quite a sight.

Knives on one bed—Vash on the other, and Knives…Knives…what was he wearing?

"Uh, Hey Meryl!" Vash waved.

"Hmph." Knives grunted.

"Oooooooooooo!" Milly exclaimed in fascination as the walked over to where Knives sat.

"Begone, human female!" Knives growled and threatened her with a spray can of Raid.

Vash blinked, "Knives, where did you even _get_ that?"

"Oh, Mr. Vash's Brother!" Milly smiled, "Those are such _precious_ pajamas!"

Meryl smiled slyly, feeling that Knives _was_ up for some sweet revenge for that kissing dare he made.

"Love the shiny purple 'jammies with red polka dotted love hearts, _Knives_." Meryl smiled evilly.

Knives grunted and pulled the bed sheets over himself so that they couldn't ogle at him.

…

…

Suddenly, Knives remembered the newspaper clip that he had saved that he had stuffed in his slippers.

Meryl was once again speaking to Milly about how Milly was doing when Knives interrupted the group.

"Attention, filthy vermin, and brain deficient sibling!"

Meryl rolled her eyes, Milly smiled, and Vash frowned slightly.

"Dear, Vash," Knives said creepily as he handed his brother the ad clip from the newspaper, "I do believe I have found the answer to my plan, the salad to my fork, the Thomas to his rider, the Legato to its ice cream."

"_What_?"

"Just read it." Knives rubbed his temples in frustration.

Vash looked at the newspaper piece and blinked.

Meryl and Milly watched Vash with curiosity.

And in the most slow and monotone voice, Vash began to read the advertisement.

"Ahem, 'Are you having man trouble? Can you not find a suitable husband? Do you want to settle down and have lots of wonderful children but cannot find a suitable mate? Is your mate impotent? Has your husband gotten into a gunfight which has left him with a free vasectomy? Is medication not an option? Are you at the end of your rope? If you answered yes to any of these questions, come on down to Dan's blowout sale at the Gunsmoke Sperm-bank of Gunsmoke!' Uh?"

Vash blinked, "What does this have to do with—"

"Read the end of it!" Knives corrected.

"Ahem, 'male volunteers are welcome, encouraged even, especially intelligent, famous, or semi-famous specimens'."

"Um, Knives," Vash had a worried look as he began to put 2 and 2 together, "You're not thinking—"

Vash looked over at Knives who was nodding his head evilly, and then glanced over at Meryl and Milly who had some quite strange expressions on their faces after listening to what Vash read.

"See, Vash," Knives began triumphantly, "This would be much easier than you having to chase down every female on the planet. All you have to do is drop a load off at the Sperm-bank, and let them put out an advertisement to the human female population that the famous, elusive, amazing Vash the Stampede's goods are available for purchase, and the females will flock to the place just to get in line."

Vash was almost smiling as it seemed that Knives was complementing his brother—that is until _Meryl_ spoke up.

"Are you talking about _this_ Vash the Stampede?" Meryl said in disbelief as she pointed to poor Vash, "This guy here. This man? Women, flocking to Vash—the man who can't even get a date?"

Vash frowned, looking hurt by Meryl's words.

"Meryl," Milly called softly in the background trying to get her attention.

"The man who I've seen turned down by a dozen women just on our travels together?" _Including me._

"Um, Meryl?" Milly looked ill.

"You must be joking!" Meryl growled at Knives, who narrowed his eyes at her.

"Besides, I'll never let anyone have him, but me!" Knives raised an eyebrow as the words came out of Meryl's mouth. "!" _Did I just say that out loud?_

"Meryl!" Milly yelled in pain as she fell on the bed.

"Milly!" Meryl forgot her words and herself as she asked Milly what was wrong.

"Meryl," Milly began, "I think…I think…"

"Is she gonna hurl?" Vash asked, concerned.

"I…think I'm pregnant."

…

…

"You bastard!" Meryl, without another thought, jumps to extreme conclusions and slaps Vash hard across his face.

"Ow!" Vash yelped.

"Good going, Vash!" Knives exclaimed in excitement, which of course spurred Meryl on.

"You bastard!" Meryl slaps him again.

"Ow, ow, ow…I didn't do nothing!" Vash yelled.

Meryl growled at him. Milly was trying to say something but was too weak.

"_Ac_tually, Vash," Knives began, "By using a double negative, of 'didn't' and 'nothing' in combination, you are _in fact_ saying that you _did_ do something."

"You bastard!"

This time Vash caught her hand, and looked at her sternly, his face aching, "Little insurance girl, you sure do carry a lot of anger within that tiny stature of yours…"

"Meryl," Milly managed in a whisper something that only the three of them could hear, "Meryl, don't be mean to poor Mr. Vash, it's Knives' fault, all the ideas he has put in your head about Vash and mating with all the women on the planet. But, Meryl, you should know better. You should know better."

"Why didn't you correct me earlier?" Meryl questioned.

Milly smiled, "I thought you didn't want to hear about mine and Wolfwood's kinky antics."

Meryl nodded.

Meryl looked up at Vash and whispered, "I'm sorry."

They all turned and saw Knives gloating; He was still under the impression that his brother had in fact begun implementing his plan by knocking up Milly. Luckily they did not correct him.

"Vash, Milly," Meryl said as she thought quickly, "I think we can use this to our advantage."

The three all went outside and shut the door, in order to have a private conference—out in the hall. Knives looked at them curiously—their shadows flickering outside the softly tinted window that was on the door. He soon lost interest, and took his nap—in his purple, heart-polka-dotted, 'jammies.

…

…

"This aught to give him the impression that his twisted plan is being implemented."

"And that's good how?"

"He won't go looking for you, he'll be less likely to go back to his genocide plan."

"Oh, right."

"You know, when we rescue you from here."

"Yes."

"Do you really think he'll fall for it?"

"I hope so."

"He's not as stupid as I am."

"You're not stupid."

"When we were little, he told me that babies grew on apple trees and I believed him!"

"Point taken."

"You mean they don't?"

"Oh, Milly…"

"…"

Knives stirred slightly from his nap as he heard the three enter. He had been asleep for only an hour, and wondered why they were bothering him so soon.

Knives awoke to a pleasant surprise, Vash standing in front of him with the two human females on each side—each with stomachs 10 times the size they were before.

"See, Knives," Vash acted, "I got done…um reproducing with this one…earlier," He pointed to Milly who smiled, clutching her huge stomach, "And so, um…I just went and copulated with…um" sweat was dropping from his brow as Meryl was giving him a funny look, "this one here."

Knives looked at them quizzically, and poked Milly and Meryl's large stomachs. She prayed quietly that the oversize pillows wouldn't fall out.

…

…

"Fascinating…" Knives said slowly, "They sure got fat really fast." He rubbed his chin as he scrutinized them both.

Vash laughed nervously.

But, Knives was satisfied.

"Good job, Vash," Knives said as he leaned back in the bed, "Although next time I would suggest procreating with them both at once so as to speed up the process. I don't want to wait _all_ of this next century."

Knives then went back to his nap: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Vash, Meryl, and Milly let out sighs of relief as soon as they were on the other side of the door.

"Vash," Meryl called out.

"Yes," Vash whispered because Knives _was_ on the other side of the door.

"I think I'm going to take Milly to the nurse's office, to make sure her baby is doing ok."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, find someway to distract Knives for a few hours," Meryl replied, "Today is the day that the bodies are shipped out, we've got to make the switch, Vash, we're getting you out of here."

"…What about Knives?"

"What about him?"

"How are we going to get _him_ out of here?"

"Get _HIM_ out, VASH? Are you CRAZY? I plan to let his butt _rot_ with the old people for _eternity_!"

"But, Meryl!"

"Vash, as long as Knives stays here, we are safe, as long as he believes you are fulfilling his plans we is safe. Knives must stay in the Old Folk's Home…"

"…Forever."

…

…

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Meryl and Milly listened to the sounds that filled the nurse's office—the random beeping of machines.

"Well, it appears the analysis has been completed," the nurse lady said, "But there appears to be some bad news."

Meryl clutched Milly's hand tightly as they awaited the news.

"Is her baby going to be alright, ma'am?" Meryl asked with worry.

"Baby?" the nurse seemed confused, "She's not pregnant."

"WHAT?" Meryl exclaimed.

"But, she has a serious case of gastrous-monstrositous-fartilicious-nous."

Milly gulped.

"Translation please?"

"Gas."

…

…

Vash was waiting patiently outside of the room that Knives rested in when he suddenly heard some voices.

Vash looked around the corner to see too blonde nurses giggling and gossiping about something. They were only a few feet away from him. He was surprised he had not noticed them until now. Edging closer to them, he happened to catch snippets of their conversation.

"Yes."

"I know."

"Me too."

"I would give anything to see _him_ again."

"His body was so firm and trim."

"I would give _anything_ to rub a _soapy_ sponge across his _naked _body."

"_Oh_, yes."

"I never thought that working here would turn out so _fun_."

"Me either…wait…do you feel like someone is _watching_ us?"

"Aaaaah Aahhhh AaaahhhhhHHHHH CHOOOOooooooo!"

Vash covered his mouth quickly, but it was too late, the two women came hurtling around the corner and confronted him.

"Were you getting off on listening to our conversation, old…." They paused looked at Vash, "man?"

"Hey, he looks a bit like our Blonde-y-kins, does he not?" The blonde woman smiled at the other one.

"He sure does." She titled her head, "And, he don't look like an old man none either, just like _him_."

Vash stared at the two blonde women. There was definitely something familiar to him about them.

"You wouldn't happen to be speaking about the guy, in the room behind me, would you?" Vash gestured to the room in which Knives slept.

"Yeah," They said, "Our Blonde-y-kins was reassigned to this room, so we came to…uh…visit him…yeah."

Vash looked at them quizzically.

"_Blonde_-y-kins?"

"Yeah, that's our name for him because he wouldn't tell us his real name."

"Huh."

"Yep."

…

…

"Hey!" Meryl called out.

Vash spun around.

Soon, Vash, Meryl, and Milly stood across from the two blonde nurses.

"What's the news?" Vash asked.

Phft. Zip. Zhopht. Phhhhhhffft.

Vash blinked.

"What's that smell?"

"Well," Meryl sighed, "long story, short…Milly's not '_with-child'_ she's 'with-_gas_'."

Phft.

"Excuse me." Milly said, with a tinge of embarrassment.

"Uh…_huh_." Vash stated.

…

…

Meryl noticed the two blonde nurses.

"Um," Meryl poked Vash, "Who are they?"

Vash looked at them closely; he _knew_ he had seen them before…somewhere. But, where?

Then, a sliver of a darker shade of hair fell from underneath one of the women's blonde hairs, and Vash realized that the blonde hair, for both of them was fake—they were wearing wigs.

"Now I know where I've seen you before," Vash spoke to the 'nurses', "Weren't you like prostitutes on some sandsteamer or something?"

They looked mildly shocked for a moment before relaxing. "Well, now. Our secret is _out_."

It took Meryl a few moments before her brain put together "Vash" and "prostitutes."

"You bastard!" Vash got slapped once again.

"That's your _favorite_ phrase today, huh, _Meryl_." Vash stroked his cheek.

"Little missy, I _do_ believe you are mistaken," one of the 'ladies of the evening' stated, "This here _doofus_ was _never_ one of our clients."

"He wasn't?" Meryl felt guilty again.

"Doofus?" Vash mumbled.

"We took this nursing job because good looking men were in short supply; all that's left is fat ugly ones."

"So we decided to change our profession."

"Until of course we met the _hott _stud in there." They gestured toward Knives' room.

"WHAT?" Vash was traumatized that humans would find his brother attractive and not him.

"Calm down, now," Meryl tugged on his sleeve, "This is _just_ the diversion we were looking for."

Vash nodded reluctantly.

"So," Meryl cunningly addressed the prostitutes-turned-nurses, "How would you like to win the affections of the man in that room?"

"Yes! But he wouldn't give us the time of day earlier."

"What about if I told you that if you said a few specific things he would be _all_ over you."

"We would do it, anything for Blonde-y-kins!"

"Listen carefully."

…

…

After Vash and co. had taken off down the hall, the two women in blonde wigs went into the room.

"This is insane."

"You're telling me."

"Will this really work?"

"It's what they told us to say, even if it makes NO sense."

"Nothing to loose."

"A lot to gain."

…

Knives awoke to find two beautiful blonde beauties in his room at the foot of his bed.

"Who are you?"

"I'm…um….we're…um…

…your nieces."

…

…

Vash, Meryl, and Milly, ran down the hall to the morgue, as time was running out. Soon the body of Billy Bob would be shipped out, with the name label of Mr. Vash Stampcollector.

Milly spotted Kuroneko wandering the hall they ran down, and scooped him up in her arms. He had an important part to play.

Vash whined.

…

…

"Wait," Knives blinked, "you are telling me that you are Vash's _daughters_?"

"Yep, unkie-Knives, we…um," She took out a piece of paper and glanced at it a moment, "My mamma's the short one, and her mamma's the tall one."

"And they gave birth to us several hours ago."

"Really?" Knives scratched his head, "I was asleep that long?"

"Yes, the…humans…came and slipped you some medicine."

He growled slightly, causing the two women to swoon and blush.

Knives blinked at them.

"We grew real fast."

She nudged the other one who said, "I learned to talk 5 minutes ago!"

"_Oooooo_Kay…" Knives murmured.

"Am I dreaming?"

"No, you are very much awake."

"Have I seen you two somewhere before?"

"No…no. nonono." They laughed nervously.

"Your hair is the same gorgeous shade of blonde as Vash's."

They smiled, and sat on the bed, scooting closer to him.

"It is…" Knives sniffed the air, "almost intoxicating to actually be so close to plant females…though you be only half."

The two women looked at each other like 'What the hell is he going on about."

"Are the daughters of Vash prepared to mate with me?" Knives smiled at them evilly.

"Oh, hell yes!"

And so the two prostitutes pounced upon Knives.

And for quite a long time, Knives was…_distracted_.

…

…

With Knives occupied—very occupied, Vash and the others stood in front of a door labeled "Morgue."

They stepped inside.

Vash looked upon the body bag, the one that held his roommate-for-a-day, Billy Bob—a 93 year old man who thought he was 39 years old.

Tears streamed down Vash's face. Milly sniffled. Meryl rolled her eyes slightly, "You barely knew him for one day!"

Vash gulped, "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…"

"Mr. Vash," Milly pointed out, "that's the wrong one. It goes, 'dearly departed we are gathered here to pay respects to…um…'"

Meryl sighed, "I think that's still the 'wedding' one. You just changed a few words."

"You say it then."

"Nobody is going to say it," Meryl replied sternly, "We don't have time."

Meryl unzipped the body bag to reveal a blue Billy Bob. At her bequest, Milly helped pull him out of there—since Vash was blubbering like a little school boy.

"Ok, Vash. Hop in." Meryl pointed in the bag.

Vash whimpered as he got in.

Milly sat her cat on Vash and smiled, "Go to town little kitty!"

Vash whimpered, as the smell of kitty pee pervaded his cute red 'jammies.

"And now, for the final touch." Meryl whipped out the blue lipstick, and carefully, gingerly moved it across Vash's lips.

She played with Vash's lips for a good 5 minutes before Milly told her "I think that's enough."

Meryl's mind had gone to a _whole_ different place.

Vash blinked. "I smell bad."

"And you look good and dead."

Meryl and Milly zipped him up.

"See you on the outside."

They were walking toward the door when suddenly they realized something—the dead body of Billy Bob on the floor. They couldn't just leave it there!

…

…

"Vash!"

"What?"

"What do we do with Billy Bob?"

"I don't know! Put him in the lounge area or something!"

And so they did.

…

…

An old lady with fluffy hair and thick glasses adjusted them on her face as she noticed her new seat buddy in the sofa next to her, as she awoke from a nap.

"And who might you be?"

"…"

"You seem a might…blue."

"…"

"And stiff."

"…"

"Are you…a smurf?"

…

…

Once Meryl and Milly had returned to the morgue, the body bag of one Mr. Vash Stampcollector had been shipped off to the cemetery on the edge of town.

"He's gone!" Meryl exclaimed.

"Meryl," Milly stated with worry, "How are we going to make it in time before he smothers?"

Meryl glanced at two Thomases wandering the halls.

"Let's ride."

…

…

"This is bad. This is bad. This is bad." Vash panicked as he could feel dirt pilling on top of his body bag.

Once he could no longer feel the light from the suns, he heard the wheels of the car that transported him drive away.

"Am I really going to die here?" Vash wondered as it became more difficult to breathe.

Suddenly a familiar sound reached his ears, the sound of large feet and crunching ground and—

"Wark! WARK! Waaaaaaaaaaaark!"

"Thomases!" Vash exclaimed.

"Vash!"

"Mr. Vash!"

Vash began to feel the warmth of the suns as soft hand dug him out of the dirt and pulled the body bag to safety.

Vash was greatly relieved as the first thing he saw was his insurance girls unzipping his prison.

"Vash." Meryl ran up and hugged him, "You're free."

Vash blinked and looked around. All around him was the middle of nowhere—no Old Folk's Home in sight.

"Mr. Vash," Milly began, "I was really worried that we would have gotten to you too late and you would have taken _root_ already."

Vash blinked. Meryl sighed.

"Milly, I'm not _that_ kind of plant."

…

…

Meryl, Milly, and Vash were ridding off to the nearest town on the Thomases when suddenly Vash realized something—something truly important that he had forgotten.

Vash started hyperventilating.

"Vash!" Meryl yelled, "Vash, what's wrong?"

"D—Donuts!" Vash's eyes went wide, "I can get doughnuts now! I can eat them! Oh. My. God. I must have them! EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii! Their sugary coated sprinkles and icing and—"

Meryl was about to sigh, when Milly nudged her suddenly. Meryl looked as Milly winked at her.

"_You've just got to get his attention."_

Meryl took a deep breath. This would take all of her resolve.

"Vash?"

"Yes, insurance girl?"

"How about you rest up, and I'll go to the bakery and pick up a dozen donuts."

Vash smiled a really big smile, "Okay!"

Milly hopped off the Thomas she was sharing with Meryl, and got up on the one that Vash was riding.

Meryl took off in a different direction; "I'll meet you both there!" she called out.

Milly decided to take the long route to the house they planned to rent for awhile.

…

…

A couple hours later, Milly and Vash arrived at the place. It was dark out. Both of the suns had set. Milly figured that something was up—that Meryl wanted to surprise Vash with the donuts of something of the like, so she quickly said goodnight to Vash and went upstairs.

Vash felt confused. Where was Meryl?

"Vash?" Something smelled good. Vash could hear her voice behind the door at the end of the hall on the first floor.

Filled with curiosity and a hunger for his donuts, Vash waltzed casually down the hall.

"Hey, Vash!"

"Meryl?"

Vash opened the door.

He instantly lost the ability to breathe.

In front of him, in a room, was insurance girl Meryl lying on a bed completely naked—save for three strategically placed chocolate sprinkled donuts. Not only that, but Vash's racing mind quickly noticed that not only was she completely naked, but her naked body shined in the moonlight—she was covered from head to toe in delicious donut glaze.

"Gah!" Vash sucked in a breath before gulping. He couldn't form words.

There was more. Next to the bed was a box containing the remainder of the dozen donuts.

Meryl smiles at Vash. "Have I finally gotten your attention?" He managed to nod, and she gestured him to come closer.

Vash looked upon the scene, and felt as though all his dreams have come true.

"Think of all the fun things we can do with these donuts, Vash. Oh, all the wonderful things."

…

…

After that night, Vash never looked at a donut quite the same.

…

…

…

A few days later, at the Old Folk's Home:

"Mr. Butterknives? Mr. Butterknives?" the announcement speaker called out, "Please report to the medical wing. Now."

Knives grumbled but went anyway.

As he sat in the chair, the doctors looked at him quizzically.

"What is it?"

"Um," the doctor began, "Something rather strange turned up in your routine physical yesterday."

"Like?"

"Did you know that you have contracted 6,347 separate sexually transmitted diseases?"

Knives blinked, "Is that bad?"

…

…

…

Fin.

…

…

Vash and the Old Folk's Home

It's been fun. Thanks for all the reviews! Just because it's over, it doesn't mean that you can't keep reviewing and telling me your thoughts. Remember, every review touches the inner sanctums of my soul. Review, and make an authoress happy? Yes? Please? Pretty Please? More reviews mean a better chance that I'll write more exciting Trigun fanfictions and stuff. This fic was made possible by reviewers like you. Once again, thank you thank you thank you!

Author's commentary:

Ch. 21. – The idea with this chapter was to present the opposite of an old cliché in which the audience believes that hanky panky is going on. In this chase, the audience knows what is really happening, and a character, Milly is confused. Also, I like making up funny alternate names for Vash and Knives. Stampcollector, Butterknives. Heeeeee.

Ch. 22. - The gesture Knives was making was that of one finger going through a circle made with the other hand. I like the word buttspiderflys. A clue on the last Knives dreaming in the chapter…he's dreaming about when he was getting a bath. Yes, yeah. Really.

Ch. 23. – The old guy had short term memory lose. Couldn't remember anything for much longer than a minute or 30 seconds. "The points don't matter" Whose line is it anyway. The idea for the "WARK" sound of the Thomas, is actually the sound effect of Chocobos from the Final Fantasy games. There seems to be a great many weird giant chicken + something else critters in anime and videogame lands. The code red that the nurse cites "15 8, 19 8 9 20" corresponds to letters of the alphabet, and in fact reads "Oh, Shit"

Ch. 24. – I always wanted to write a fic with strip poker, and alcohol.

Ch. 25. – The Knives on Vash scene was inspired by an episode of Grounded for Life. I always wanted to have them play truth or dare.

Ch. 26. – Nearly 3 times longer that any other chapter, I hope you enjoyed this Grand Finale.

…

…


End file.
